How to Lessen Core Belief? Niceness = Sex & Sex = Love

[LeiaFlower]

I feel like my inner child liked the sexual abuse because they got aroused. I get aroused when I’m genuinely terrified. Even with talking about this in my in person support group I felt the fear arousal.

My abuser made me feel special. She helped me with my loneliness. I loved her. As my other questions about wanting to sleep with my friends, I think my exile is still searching for that toxic relationship where Niceness = Sex & Sex = Love.

Which comes to the negative core beliefs “Because I responded in a disgusting way, I feel repulsive and I’m worse than my abuser.” and “If I have sex with my friends, then our relationship will be better.” and “If I have sex with my friend then they won’t leave me.”

How do I fix all of this in therapy? Where do I start? Is exposure therapy needed? What are your views on exposure therapy or EMDR?

 

[arfie]

gentle empathy, leia. in my own case, i adored the power of being able to literally bring adults to their knees. and i said, "my, my" like a spider to a fly. "jump straight ahead in my web." i reckon you can say manipulation comes quite naturally to me. i feel more guilt over that fact than i feel over having torn new orifices into the playmates who called me, "one of those girls."

i haven't found a way to "fix" these skewed core values, but radical acceptance helps sort the talents from the destructive uses of those talents. sexual manipulation is bad and grows uglier with time and development. being able to manipulate a smile from a depression victim has potential. maybe. works in progress. . .

exposure therapy is a very effective tool for me when i travel with a chaperone. the exposure all too easily leads me to psychotic places that are hard to recognize on my own. my chaperones/supporters/accountabilibuddies can often see more of that shift than i can with more clarity than those psychotic places in my head will allow,

 

[Sideways]

Is exposure therapy needed? What are your views on exposure therapy or EMDR?

These are both gold standard for ptsd. In my case, the decision is very easily made by the quality of professional support that’s available - several excellent trauma-specialists available to me who do exposure therapy, and really only generalist therapists who do emdr.

 

[LeiaFlower]

These are both gold standard for ptsd. In my case, the decision is very easily made by the quality of professional support that’s available - several excellent trauma-specialists available to me who do exposure therapy, and really only generalist therapists who do emdr.

How is exposure therapy in relation to sexual trauma? Do they just continuously ask me questions about sex? Do I imagine having sex?

 

[Sideways]

How is exposure therapy in relation to sexual trauma?

Each therapist will have their own way of approaching it, which they will usually tweak to deal with the individual and their circumstances, particularly their coping skills and underlying mental health.

The exposure is actually to the specific trauma you experienced, rather than the beliefs they’ve caused (pull out the foundations and the building collapses type approach). Some of the trauma we experience, which leads to ptsd, our brain didn’t ‘store’ the right way.

Unlike ordinary experiences and memories, which it files for future reference, traumatic experiences don’t get processed into an ordinary memory’. This means they end up floating around causing things like flashbacks, cognitive distortions (like core beliefs), and over-activate our amygdala.

So, a rough outline is:
1) you’d nail your distress tolerance and self soothing skills
2) you identify the traumas you experienced (some people use a trauma Timeline)
3) you identify which experiences are causing cognitive issues (your T should have the skill to identify which ones these are - not every trauma necessarily needs processing), and then
4) for each of those, your T guides you through talking about it in a way that helps your brain file the memory in a healthy way, so that it stops disrupting other healthy brain functions, like assessing what our core beliefs genuinely are, and how to make healthy choices based on those.

 

[Friday]

How is exposure therapy in relation to sexual trauma? Do they just continuously ask me questions about sex? Do I imagine having sex?

Here’s an example of how I handled one small aspect of my rape history, dealing with oral sex triggers. It’s textbook exposure therapy, I just didn’t know that, at the time. Step4 in @Sideways list above.

It took about 6 months in total, and the first 5 months had “nothing” to do with sex or rape. My body was still responding as though they were (triggers), so that’s where I started. On the outside and worked my way in.

This is just what I did, surrounding my own issues, just making shit up on the fly. Essentially every time something bothered me, or triggered me? I'd do it more, on purpose, to trigger myself into nudging the boundary further away/ increase what I could do without wigging out. Kept playing with it, and poking at it, as things came up.

Physically - Oral Sex

Gave my mouth a helluva lot of sensory experiences
- Talking with my mouth full, or around ice, or under water
- Singing ditto (mouth full, or around ice, or underwater)
- Eating while walking (That was unexpectedly difficult. When I found that out I refused to eat sitting down for a few weeks, and started carrying lolly-pops and sunflower seeds to really trip my brain out!)
- Playing with my tongue (from flipping it upside down, to spinning spaghetti, to counting my teeth, to clicking).
- Playing with my face (blowing my cheeks out, sucking them in, Elvis lips, etc.)
- Different food textures
- etc.

Gagging
- Trained my throat to swallow thick liquids, to pills, to whole grapes, etc. (I actually researched how drug-mules train themselves to swallow balloons).
- Brushed my teeth & tongue with a washcloth (ironically, works better than a brush).
- Used Chloraseptic (mild topical anesthetic) when necessary.
- etc.

Breath Control
- Swimmers tricks ((One of the primary rules of swimming is that if you can talk? You can breathe. I've actually always used this with panic attacks... But they also came in handy when dealing with my oral sex hangups.)) From gargling to "gulping fishes" (that mixed air & water choking feeling), to snorkeling, to rebreathers. Anything that creates the need to breathe weird, on purpose.
- Singing.
- Whistling
- etc.

(Lastly) Once I was completely copasetic with all the non-sexual aspects of oral anything and everything I could think of... I went on a fellatio mission.
- Researched everything I could about it (lmao, before Internet! That was an adventure)
- Talked to a bunch of people (guys mostly, gay guys even better).
- Took lessons / Practiced with friends
- Learned to breathe through my nose (that was a lightbulb moment! Shazaam. LOL)
- Learned to flip a condom around in my mouth / how to put one on
- etc.

^^^^THIS^^^^ is called “in vivo” exposure therapy, as they were all things I was doing in real life.

Other kinds of exposure therapy are spoken, listened to, written, read, drawn, etc.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/using-a-diary-for-exposure-therapy-cbt.74417/ <<< Discusses the reading/writing version, in great detail. And touches on the other versions.

 

[LeiaFlower]

So it was mostly you doing exposure on yourself? Should I expose myself to a relationship all the while developing self consent. Or should I develop self consent first then start exposure therapy with sex.

When you engaged in the second stage where you were exposing yourself to the actual oral sex, was it with a partner who knows your history or a stranger? Should I sleep with strangers to discover my sexuality?

 

[Friday]

So it was mostly you doing exposure on yourself? Should I expose myself to a relationship all the while developing self consent. Or should I develop self consent first then start exposure therapy with sex.

When you engaged in the second stage where you were exposing yourself to the actual oral sex, was it with a partner who knows your history or a stranger? Should I sleep with strangers to discover my sexuality?

Sorry. That screeching sound you just heard was my brain falling out of my head, slamming across the highway, and crashing into a barrier, we just flipped a 180 -or 360, or 720- so fast. Aieeeeeeee! Splat.

Okay! So just to recap?

Before even TALKING about sex, when processing sexual trauma, leading into core beliefs around sex …there are these steps... which each have many moving parts, and their own outlines, themselves.

So, a rough outline is:
1) you’d nail your distress tolerance and self soothing skills
2) you identify the traumas you experienced (some people use a trauma Timeline)
3) you identify which experiences are causing cognitive issues (your T should have the skill to identify which ones these are - not every trauma necessarily needs processing), and then
4) for each of those, your T guides you through talking about it in a way that helps your brain file the memory in a healthy way, so that it stops disrupting other healthy brain functions, like assessing what our core beliefs genuinely are, and how to make healthy choices based on those.

But even when you get to number 4 to begin processing?

It took about 6 months in total, and the first 5 months had “nothing” to do with sex or rape. My body was still responding as though they were (triggers), so that’s where I started. On the outside and worked my way in.

There’s a whooooole lot more, that still has nothing to do with sex.

And yet we’ve somehow jumped past all that to… having sex with strangers?!? What?!?

Don’t get me wrong, I have zero problem with anyone who wants to f*ck around, f*ck for money, abstain until marriage, or take vows of celibacy. You do you. Or the regiment. Whatever, and more power to ya.

But that’s not exposure therapy. Or working on triggers, stressors, cognitive distortions, or core beliefs. That’s lifestyle.

When one of your biggest problems right now is thinking you’re obligated to have sex with anyone who is nice to you? Pole vaulting over ALL the steps that don’t involve actually having sex… Shakes head. Nope! Put the pole down. Step awaaaay from the pole.

 

[Friday]

So it was mostly you doing exposure on yourself? Should I expose myself to a relationship all the while developing self consent. Or should I develop self consent first then start exposure therapy with sex.

When you engaged in the second stage where you were exposing yourself to the actual oral sex, was it with a partner who knows your history or a stranger? Should I sleep with strangers to discover my sexuality?

In answer to your q’s though…

So it was mostly you doing exposure on yourself?

Yep.

Even when working with a therapist, roughly 86% of the exposure therapy I do is in my own time, at my own discretion. The 14% leftover? Is spent doing things like working with a therapist to identify core beliefs & cognitive distortions, triggers & stressors, stress management skills, stabilization, reality checking with friends, venting, etc. Normal life intersects, with therapy stuff.

When you engaged in the second stage where you were exposing yourself to the actual oral sex, was it with a partner who knows your history or a stranger?

Yes. No. Neither. Both.

It took about 2 years? Maybe? (In total, and not all in one go, spread out over about a 5 year timeframe. During the other years I was doing other things) to fully process all my rape & sexual assault trauma. The example I gave to you up above was just one small piece of it.

During that time I dated a few people. Was f*ckbuddies with a helluva lotta people. And MADE most of my friends, by sleeping with them first. So, I suppose some were technically strangers when we slept together the first time? Very few remained strangers, though. My instincts may be f*cked in a lot of ways, but my snap judgments tend to be stellar.

I was neither open about my history (except when I was taking lessons), nor had anything to hide, about it. In the circles I ran in rape was a very common thing, so it got discussed from time to time, but it was never someone I sat my lovers down with and had a discussion about before sleeping with them. Some people DO do that. I’m just not one of them.

Should I sleep with strangers to discover my sexuality?

Honest Question : Why do you think sleeping with strangers help you discover your sexuality?

^^^ I know the leap from working on beliefs around sex following sexual trauma to “should I sleep with strangers” made my brain fall out of my head, earlier. But just because I can’t see the connection, doesn’t mean there isn’t one. And the reasoning behind it may be useful in and of itself.

 

[anthony]

@LeiaFlower, sexual arousal during abuse / trauma is a normal physiological response, it does not mean that you liked or wanted the abuse. It's the body's natural response to sexual stimulation, even when unwanted. It's important to understand this in order to work through guilt or confusion. Sex with friends does not lead to closer or better relationships, and is not a substitute for emotional intimacy or connection.

That is the common-sense reasoning to your negative core beliefs.

 

[LeiaFlower]

Even when working with a therapist, roughly 86% of the exposure therapy I do is in my own time, at my own discretion. The 14% leftover? Is spent doing things like working with a therapist to identify core beliefs & cognitive distortions, triggers & stressors, stress management skills, stabilization, reality checking with friends, venting, etc. Normal life intersects, with therapy stuff.

I think I would prefer to stick with the 86%b if exposure therapy. Though I can understand the benefit of using a therapist. I have a list of current stuck points, cognitive distortions. I also written down some of my triggers.

Yes. No. Neither. Both.

It took about 2 years? Maybe? (In total, and not all in one go, spread out over about a 5 year timeframe. During the other years I was doing other things) to fully process all my rape & sexual assault trauma. The example I gave to you up above was just one small piece of it.

I know it’s going to take me a long time to princess my trauma mostly because a lot of it is repressed image wise though I have the emotions towards certain triggers. As well as green common C- PTSD.

Honest Question : Why do you think sleeping with strangers help you discover your sexuality?

^^^ I know the leap from working on beliefs around sex following sexual trauma to “should I sleep with strangers” made my brain fall out of my head, earlier. But just because I can’t see the connection, doesn’t mean there isn’t one. And the reasoning behind it may be useful in and of itself.

I don’t want to have sex in general. My aversion towards sex is my main stuck point but it’s caused by more than emotional reasoning. It physically hurts to have intercourse with a man. I haven’t had consensual sex with a woman. But a lot my beliefs are to women.

 

[Sideways]

Though I can understand the benefit of using a therapist.

Yeah - apart from being waaaaay more effective, they help make it safe (as in, don’t do stuff like ruining important relationships with dysfunctional behaviours and stuff).

Learning how to “meh, not gonna pay attention to that thought” is a quick process done right. Changing the beliefs that cause the thought, is a loooooong process!