How To Stop The Mean, Punishing Voice In Your Head

[Yvy]

Hi everybody,

These last months I have panick attacks that have become worse because I started working and am afraid to do things wrong or hurt people. My mind keeps coming up with mistakes I must have made in my earlier jobs.

I have this mean part or voice in me. And it's not another voice: it's my own voice. I've always had that but now it's really strong and if I listen to it and are going to think about mistakes or controlling thinks I get this awful panic. I am not allowed to make a mistake and I have the idea that if I *do* I need to be punished and am not allowed to live. I notice that I find that I don't deserve to be happy or relaxed. As if I need to be punished all the time anyway. So the family I grew up in did this 'for' me when I was a child. Now I do it myself... I'm trying hard to stop but it's soooo difficult. It frustrates me so much that it keeps coming up again and again. Is there anyone who can relate to this please? The people close to me don't really understand it. I feel as if I'm in constant danger. The smallest things that happen make me overreact.

What I do about it is writing: but sometimes that makes my panick bigger. Or I try to say 'stop' and try to think about something else: I'm memorizing a song so I can think about that. I drawed, talked about it. I try to focus on my breath (find this really hard) or on my hands. I try to do grounding exercises. Breathing exercises, meditation. Mindfulness. All things I'm busy with. I know it takes time. And I know that I shouldn't resist because that causes suffering, but I have to admit I'm still resisting.

Did anyone manage to conquer this voice?

 

[sun seeker]

These last months I have panick attacks that have become worse because I started working and am afraid to do things wrong or hurt people. My mind keeps coming up with mistakes I must have made in my earlier jobs.

I strongly relate, as you know. I refer you to a thread I started last night that says basically the same thing in a different way: Fear for the Safety of Others.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I was in a deep depression a few weeks ago and had myself convinced that I was a burden, not worthy of love and no one would miss me. For me, my faith drew me out. I know not everyone shares my thoughts or views and I respect that. Please know your feelings and fears are valid but we all make mistakes. Wanting to do better is a great step forward. Wishing you positive thoughts and to know you are worthy of love and happiness. Sendings hugs to you and your child self.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I am not allowed to make a mistake and I have the idea that if I *do* I need to be punished

I can relate to this. I don't have this problem in relation to my job, but in relation to other things (I like to control my own body, what moves about it, in what way it moves, and I like to control items laying about....). If I allow it to be anything different, or if it goes out of control, chances are I explode and take it out on myself for letting it happen.

I'm also working on changing this reaction. When I am less stressed, it's easier -but when I am very triggered, it's nearly impossible. My method is to stop in my tracks, observe what's happening with me, and breathe. And then try to continue with whatever what I was doing, and try to be more moderate with my reaction the next time I get triggered.

 

[Yvy]

@shrinkingviolet thank you so much! I'm happy your faith drew you out! So horrible that you had such a deep depression!! I don't have that faith for several reasons I won't bore you with. But I also respect everyone's opinion. And I'm really glad it helps you! It's so awful when you feel as a burden and no one would miss you etc... I hope you'll keep believing that you are worthy and people would probably miss you a lot! Take care!

@Radise That sounds difficult for you! So difficult yes when you are triggered... Does that method work for you? I tried stopping myself but it keeps coming up. I've also read that you have to practice this a lot of times so maybe I should have more patience... Did you notice change when you kept practicing this? And does it help to do this only one time? Sometimes I have to shout 'stop' like 20 times, it feels like I'm going crazy.

 

[Nam]

Ack. This is so hard to change. I've noticed that it's more loud when I'm down and depressed. Lack of sleep also makes it loud. It's exhausting trying to defy what it says. Especially if it's a new skill or new surrounding you are trying to learn. I've learned that most of the time, the voice usually takes on the style of someone that I knew as a kid. (My mother.) I know that she didn't say half the things that sprung to my head but her actions pretty much proved what I had thought. Before long, I didn't even need "the look" from her to feel her scolding me. Now, as an adult, I hear her words but in my voice. Very hard to ignore.

I personally think this is a symptom like the startle response. It's not one that we can help individually. It goes away with more therapy and processing. It's nice to have a person that knows you really well to bounce ideas off of in case it seems like you don't know how to feel about it. When I don't know how to feel, I get panicky.

Try very hard to treat yourself the way you would treat others. Remember that.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

The trouble with learned instincts from childhood (I have them too, also had super fun parents) is that they are exactly that -instinctive. Changing an instinctive reaction takes time, and lots of it.

For me, it sometimes works. The other day I "made" myself go outside for a walk even though I would really rather not, so I'd be aware of my body and deal with it in public. It worked, but on the way back I got a different bodily trigger. Yet, the next day both triggers had lessened. So exposure works. Same goes for the method of stopping & breathing.

Sometimes I feel like it doesn't work and yet the next morning I wake up feeling better. So you never really know when you're gonna notice a change, but there will be a change if you believe in your effort. :)

 

[Yvy]

Thanks. Yes, I have to believe in my effort, that's a good one!