We've been married almost 10 years. However, I hurt before we were married. (My first marriage was ruined this way-the memories coming thru, though much stronger back then)
He just thought that I was "holding myself" for marriage. Then right from the beginning it hurt. He just figured that it was "dryness" or some other medical problem. Then a few years back 3-4, the memories started coming back. To stay. He was not happy. He hates the idea that he has to deal with the results of some one else.
Did he know you found sex painful before you got married? If he didn't, and it ended your previous marriage (i.e. You knew it would likely be a problem), I can understand him being angry.
There is nothing wrong with him wanting to have sex in his marriage, a healthy sex life is important and asking someone to never express that side of themselves is a big deal. Giving up that part of yourself is also a big deal.
That doesn't mean he gets to force you into something you don't want to do, of course not, but you do both have a responsibility to work on having a mutually satisfying sex life. Can you both go into couples counselling to start communication about intimacy in your relationship in a way that you don't feel scared and he doesn't feel shamed?
Perhaps look at some psychosexual counselling too which can help with exercises that gradually help your sexual responses and can help with the feelings about sex that you've been left with. I guess what I'm saying is there are ways to work through sexual problems that you both need to commit to but blaming and treating him like a monster for wanting intimacy in marriage isn't going to build a strong relationship any more than him putting pressure on you to do something that's so painful will.
If you've been together for 10 years and sex has always been an issue, it's going to take work to resolve, not least because of the shame, anger and resentment that builds up in any long term disagreement.
If you think that sex is never going to be an option for you, that you can't or won't find a way through then you do need to be honest with him so that he can make a decision about whether he wants to stay in a sexless relationship. That's only fair.
Folk can make judgments about how awful someone must be, how selfish, or shallow or even how abusive someone is to leave a relationship because one partner can't or won't meet their needs sexually but sex in partner relationships is a reasonable expectation (even for wheelchair users...).
It's fine for you not to want to have sex ever again if that's how you feel, but in a marriage when you make that decision you're making it for yourself and your partner, and it's ok that he might decide he's not ready to give up that part of his identity.
