Relationship I’m stumped please help

[JM318]

First off, I completely agree he’s being a major asshole, right now. Not in question in the least....

Just to clarify although I absolutely know what you mean.. he told his mom about his diagnosis. My brother was there during his breakdown but I don’t speak to him about it, and our close friends knew from our last breakup (or two) and once we got back together he told me he didn’t want “our business” out there and I’ve respected it since. I have not spoken to anyone besides you guys, and friends that already knew and want what’s best for both of us. He has it in his mind that I’m telling others this time around bc of the prior breakup experiences, but I have not.. he is being paranoid. But thank you, I do understand

 

[Confused_84]

I think it’s hard as a supporter because you have someone that you should be able to talk to about all of this but that person is in denial and it’s like talking to a brick wall. You need someone to vent to, and when you’re upset you naturally go to the person you might trust the most such as family and friends.

 

[shimmerz]

He doesn’t want the “stigma” and he is paranoid about it. I told him we care about him and no one looks at him negatively like he thinks.

The stigma that he is concerned about and that you appear to be mocking is a very real deal. It is absolutely not paranoia thinking in this way. It does happen. All.the.time.

And honestly, you can`t speak for other people in this regard. You can`t make promises for how they will treat him! No one looks at him negatively like he thinks? Crazy dismissive thinking and actions on your part.

He has PTSD -- he isn't an imbecile. And if he says he is not comfortable with you divulging his personal information - he has every right to be completely pissed if you trump him on that card. And your shot at him for posting it on facebook himself is ridiculous. It is information about HIM and he can do whatever he wants with that. You can't. That attitude shows a complete lack of honouring his boundaries, which is a familiar thing I am seeing these days.

want what’s best for both of us.

I can't believe you are still justifying this. He explicitly set boundaries that have nothing to do with 'what is good for US'.

I’m telling others this time around bc of the prior breakup experiences, but I have not.. he is being paranoid.

Ah, so he has a reason to doubt your integrity based on past experiences. Interesting how you are completely in denial as to your role in this. And the pluralized experiences, quoted above mean it has happened more than once.
I am sorry, can you explain again how that makes him paranoid? To me, it means he has learned his lesson insofar as your potential for damaging him.

It's like anyone with a mental health disorder can't possibly know what is best for them. That's such bullshit.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Its not easy to hide PTSD from close friends and family if there is a lot of erratic behavior involved. I didn't see where she said she was the one who disclosed his diagnosis to anybody... She just said she talks to these people about it. This isn't the same as saying she told the neighbors, his boss, his family, his coworkers, or the mailman he had PTSD when he was totally peachy keen and these people had no idea anything was amiss.

As far as her therapist goes... she can discuss whatever she pleases with her therapist.

Seriously, chill out on the supporters here to learn please. Link Removed

 

[grimalkin]

I apologize if this comes across as ranty and/or bitter, but sometimes something is said that just...pisses me right off.

There's a line we, as supporters, have to walk - are we supposed to have these huge issues in our lives (because, yes, our sufferers are part of our lives, and what they are going through affect us immensely), and just...shut up about it? If our sufferers had, say, cancer, we supporters would be considered well within our rights to say, "Sorry, I'm going through some stuff with my spouse as they are very sick," or, "I have to take some time off work for my spouse's illness," and we'd PROBABLY have to divulge what that illness is. We could tell our own support system, "Shit. My spouse has cancer and I'm SO SCARED right now."

But instead, my (still not ex! More on that maybe someday) husband decides he's done being married because of PTSD, and I'm just supposed to go along with the lies he told to his own family about how it's a mutual decision to end our marriage, when they ask? f*ck that. While I didn't go into detail, I did tell them that, no, it wasn't a mutual decision, it was his, and it hurt. When pressed farther, I just said "He's ill, but that's not mine to tell. If he wants you to know, he'll tell you."

I'm not supposed to tell my mom why I'm heartbroken at my marriage ending (beyond the obvious)? "Well, he just decided he was done, so oh well." No. He has PTSD that he is refusing to get help for, and he threw our marriage away because it was too hard, and it Broke. My. Heart. My loved ones wondered why I wasn't more angry - and oh, I was pissed. But I was hurt more than anything.

You want stigma? If I'd said nothing other than, "He decided he's done," RIGHT after my dad dies? THAT would cause the other people in my life to look at him like an idiot or an asshole.

To be honest, I'm not sure WHAT I would have done if he'd added the layer of "Never tell anyone" to it. He managed to realize that while it's his illness, and he's a private person, that I have as much of a right to rely on my own support system, and when my heart is being torn into a million pieces, I'm going to need all the support I can get.

At least people seem to agree that therapists are allowable because hot damn she saved my life, and I might mean that literally.

 

[shimmerz]

and just...shut up about it

No. Therapy for you would be an option that would honour both of you though. Especially if he won't get it himself. That is - if you decide to stay with him and his 'do not tell anyone' rule. Because it is a next to impossible rule to keep. Right?

And that is what I am trying to get across here. I mean -- those decisions are yours. To make, to act upon, and to take responsibility for. Is it not? It isn't for you to trump what he has asked for in privacy. It is up to you to decide whether you can work within those boundaries. And then to make a firm decision within the relationship to honour what your decision is. Even if that means leaving.

And it feels wrong that he is getting a label of paranoia from you based on him thinking that something that had happened already is going to happen again. I read that right, right? That makes absolutely no sense to me that the label paranoia is put on him.

I get that it is super hard to be a supporter. But I honestly shake my head sometimes because I feel like I have noticed that there are rarely posts where there isn't black and white stuff going on. And I can't help but thinking that as hard as being a supporter is, it can't be nearly as difficult as being a supporter who is looking to somehow change the sufferer only. PTSD or not, nobody can change anybody. If he isn't living up to your expectations and you aren't happy and neither is he -- then it probably isn't all about his external stressors.

7 months is a big transitional time in relationships too. Just around the end of the honeymoon period. That happens with and without PTSD. Happened to me many times without PTSD. And it sucks and sometimes (most times) someone wants to bail at that time. Because it was the endorphins keeping it going.

If he is saying that this relationship is holding him back and that it is making him unhappy -- have the both of you spoken specifically about this without you looking through a 'he has PTSD' filter? Like - what if he really IS unhappy with the relationship? Situations, not just PTSD, can make us unhappy too. And I am sorry but from what I have read, this relationship doesn't sound like a match made in heaven.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@shimmerz you do realize you're talking to multiple people here, and not the same supporter, right? As well as chopping bits of sentences to make quotes that fit your "supporters violating trust" narrative.

Perhaps it's time to bow out of this thread. You've made your point understood.

 

[JM318]

I apologize if this comes across as ranty and/or bitter, but sometimes something is said that just......

Thank you, you basically hit the nail on the head