I Believe I Am Part Evil

[Deleted member 12723]

bright-morning Big hugs to you. I am deeply touched. You made my day.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thank you all for your replies. I am still struggling with this very much, and don't have a lot to say. I do want you all to know that I very much appreciate what you have written and I am processing it all. I'm afraid that if I were to specifically reply to any one response, that I would just end up arguing that yes, I am evil because blah blah blah, but that's not where I want to go. So yes, this is very much an issue for me.

I tried to talk to my priest about it and she said something along the lines of isolating isn't giving other people the ability to see the good in me and determine for themselves if the good outweighs the bad. By my way of thinking is that this puts responsibility on the other person. I mean, what person willingly says "yes, I want to get the crap beaten out of me?" (Just and example, I'm not physically violent)

 

[Hashi]

I feel that this evil is like a virus inside of me, and every time I get triggered and have an episode, saying horrid things to people, I am spreading the evil that was given to me.

I don't agree that you're evil or are spreading evil, but I do believe in evil and evil energy. It's because I believe in it, and have experienced it, that I know you're not doing the same thing. Saying horrid things is regrettable but it's not evil. It's a different issue, and can be dealt with as one.

I think virus is an interesting word for it. I read an article called "Take back what doesn't belong to me", about how the intention of a rapist is to transfer their own self-hatred, anger etc onto their target - to infect someone else with them. But that's a perception, not reality. The idea of the article is that we have to hand those things back to where they belong, ie to see that they're not part of us at all.

After I read that, I wrote a symbolic letter (ie didn't send it) to my attackers, handing back the horrible things they'd "given" me. I would have been too scared to imagine being with them in any way, so I wrote how I was putting each thing down in [the place], leaving everything there, and walking away. I don't know if it could help you to do something like that but it got me past the stuckness of my thoughts/feelings about it, which until then hadn't had anywhere to go and were becoming more and more entrenched.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know if I will ever get over this. How can I when the simple fact is that I cause great pain to anyone who knows me?

My life is hell. I can't in good conscience bring anyone into my life as it would be selfish of me. I have no right to ask anyone to make such a sacrifice. I know I'm part evil. I wish I wasn't but I can't change that.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

The person who did this to you was evil but that person's evil has not spread to you. You are a victim just as if you were hit by a car. The car isn't evil. Maybe the person driving the car is but just because you were hit by a car doesn't mean you will grow headlights on your head and a car horn on your chin.

IMHO your reactions to others is a defense mechanism. When you are stressed you react in a way to prevent your stress from growing. Your glass is full and you don't want others adding anything to that glass. Many including me will isolate to prevent others from adding to that stress. When I can't isolate myself I will often react to people by letting them know they need to go away and leave me alone. Like my Icon the Hulk he never bothers anybody until they bother him.

It doesn't make the Hulk evil. If his glass is full he turns green and ugly. It makes people leave him alone. I have to work on (constantly) not turning green in order to have people leave me alone. I have developed to some extent other means to deal with others.

If you broke your leg when you were hit by the car you wouldn't want people going around poking that leg would you. I imagine you would tell them to get the hell away from my leg. Same thing as fussing at people when they stress you out. It's a normal reaction. Work with your T and maybe your leg won't hurt so bad and one day when somebody bumps your leg you can just move your leg out of the way instead of yelling ouch.

 

[Hashi]

I don't know if I will ever get over this. How can I when the simple fact is that I cause great pain to anyone who knows me?

Because its not a fact.

You're not evil. You're just struggling, like most of us.

We know that and appreciate you. And we're wise on this point, please trust us.

Sending you lots of love,

Hashi

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know I'm suffering. It would be nice if someone or something put me out of my own misery. A freak accident would be nice. (No I wouldn't do anything to myself)

But the bottom line is that nobody deserves to have a lesser quality of life because of me. I can't live with that guilt.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Sometimes the pain is bad but long term it will get better. As far as the quality of life of others isn't your responsibility. I think your projecting your pain on others but in reality it's not that bad. I don't want to minimize but sometimes it's hard to see the way out of the forest. I remember the story of the man in the desert who died of thirst 100 yards from the water. The only reason the man died of thirst is he gave up. Is there any doubt had he known the water was only 100 yards away he would have survived?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

But isn't that the same as an abusive person who continues being abusive, relinquishing responsibility by saying if they wanted out, they're free to leave!

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I think your confusing being abusive with reacting in a difficult manner. Abusive relationships are all about power and control. Are you attempting to use power to control a person or acting out because your glass is full?

By asking the question it means you wish to deal with your issues so you can improve your personal relationships. If it was a power and control type relationship you wouldn't wish correct the problem.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am not trying to exert power or control over anybody.

I don't see the difference as the end result is the same, that others are hurt. Kwim?

And nobody else sees that I'm struggling, I'm just a crazy girl who has a lot of issues.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I've made tons of Domestic Violence calls and yes there is a huge difference. Do you deliberately abuse others so you can control them? I think not.

If others are hurt it's because you are struggling. It's unintentional. No one goes through life without causing ripples. Just existing causes ripples. Sometimes good ripples sometimes bad ones.Your accepting this huge amount of guilt that's not deserved.

It's often true others don't see your struggling. I know that often I have trouble living inside my own head. I think that is often a large part of the problem.

If I broke my arm it would be in a cast. With PTSD it's concealed and there isn't a cast and most of the time others never know what your struggling with. Sometimes it takes awhile for us to figure it out ourselves.

Just because you have PTSD doesn't mean your crazy. If you were crazy you wouldn't know it. Everybody has issues sometimes those issues make us feel crazy but it's just part if the disorder. There is a whole forum of people who suffer the same things you do. I just checked and there are 368 people actually on this site right now. There are thousands of members. Your not alone.