I don't deserve this because i'm not worthy.. the same repetitive internal dialogue

[J_trustno1]

From my title you probably would've guessed what I am asking today.

I struggle a lot of with this "I don't deserve this because I'm not good enough, or I'm dumb, not worthy,,," and the list goes on and on.

Here are some examples:

Whenever I had good grades I felt that they gave me those grades probably because the exam/test was too easy, or they have lowered the standards maybe because the paper was tough.

If I am getting called for an interview or given any opportunity I feel that they called me because they couldn't find anyone better and I'm the only loser left or they pity me or feel sorry for me. I drive myself insane with this statement.

The next one is the worst one. In this one whenever I find any guy attractive I end up thinking that I am ugly, he's out of my league, I'm not up to his standards, not good looking, or tall or fit or whatever the reasons maybe. I end up downgrading myself that I actually feel ugly inside to the point that I end up ignoring guys. Even if I get any attention, I have so much going on inside my head that I feel that no guy would want to be with a loser like me. After my experience with my so called 4 day relationship, I now feel that I will be dumped/thrown out by a guy like you throw a rotten apple out of healthy ones. I see myself as a miserable horrible person.

I feel that I will never get accepted by anyone, my future kids will even hate me because my own father has never accepted me. They all hated me and who will accept me? Whenever I get any opportunity in life I doubt myself to the point I cry for hours and sometimes for days. The exact same thing happened when I had a scholarship for masters, I felt that I will never come up to the standards of my supervisors and will fail masters. The same happened when I was offered an admin job by my supervisor for a month last year, I felt that he felt sorry for me for being unemployed and that's why he hired me.

I am crying as I am writing this because I don't feel that I am good enough for anything. I feel that my future will be full of misery, my partner will dump me like my father and that ex did to me. I don't think I will ever have a stable job because it's already been more than a year being unemployed :( :depressed: :cry:

 

[anthony]

In this one whenever I find any guy attractive I end up thinking that I am ugly, he's out of my league, I'm not up to his standards, not good looking, or tall or fit or whatever the reasons maybe.

What evidence do you have to support these statements? What evidence do you have to counter these statements?

 

[J_trustno1]

@anthony : I'm pretty much evaluating my present situation based on past. My father gave me names for bein short 5'3). I was always judged by my weight, height, looks. I was told by all of them that my brother was better looking than I am (including my father ) and others ( mother or father's siblings ) want to have kids looking like him. I grew up feel ugly and accepting it. Whenever I have some guy looking at me I tell myself that there must be something wrong with his eyes. It's all making me crazy :(.

 

[anthony]

Ok, so if a guy is looking at you because they find something about you appealing, is that for you to decide, or them?

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

This breaks my heart because I'm there with you.

I was never good enough by anyone's standards and had to lower expectations and lower my morals just to "fit in". I was the fat girl in the corner of the room. Everyone LOVED the skinny charismatic friends I had but of course, I was nothing worth talking about. I was the shadow, everyone else was the light.

Today, I still feel that way however, in many ways, I've turned the tide to say, "Screw them if they only see what is on the surface." I found out today that a budding friendship was nothing more than BS (can't cuss, it's Lent) as this man bragged about talking to women in private message and here I thought I was special. I NEVER ONCE commented on how good looking he was, or how big his "guns" were, nothing. I was just a friend that looked on the inside but apparently, even at his age of 52, he still wants women to ogle over him. FFS, I was PISSED! (Yes, he is a celebrity that I've talked to on a regular basis) I felt worthless and worse yet, the feelings of worthlessness YOU felt I too felt but then again, I stepped back from the situation and said, "Me first."

Sweetie, you are SOMEONE TO ME! You are WORTH EVERY BIT TO ME! I don't care if no one else tells you this-someone loves you for you! You do NOT need anyone's approval to be who you WANT to be. We've been beaten down by a-holes who had an inferiority complex surrounded by narcissism, mixed in with wrong judgment and smeared on the wall by insecurity.

Tell that person you see in the mirror that YOU ARE LOVED BY SOMEONE-YOU! You are worth everything plus more!

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I too feel sad that you feel this way, unfortunately these bully's who continuously put us down to make themselves feel and look better are nothing but insecure , heartless, selfish, mean and full of crap twats!! Everyone is beautiful in their own rights , so what gives these twats the right to make comment on others . So sorry but makes my blood boil when I hear experiences like yours. I'm of Asian descent and my skin colour is darker than my siblings and other cousins etc, I've spent my whole life with issues around my colour, then my abuser used my colour too to completely Make me feel like crap, I hate the sun because it will give me a tan and in my childhood I even tried bleach to make myself whiter. I have serious issues about anyone putting people down in any way, and have had to work so hard to build my confidence and self esteem to believe that I'm just k. I'm very good at giving out advise but find it hard myself to believe in me . Please don't allow anyone to make you feel insecure about yourself. You are beautiful , your are intelligent , you are who you are and don't let anyone tell you anything different x

 

[J_trustno1]

@anthony : it's just difficult to believe that future won't be like the past. I've been a reject my entire life, tried pleasing the person(my own father) entire life who will never be pleased. I have given up on pleasing others now but I don't understand what I deserve and what I am here for. Been rejected thrice (2x Internet and 1×real life). I don't feel I have hope in anything. I start crying 2 days prior to an interview thinking I will be rejected, I lose sleep due to anxiety and after the interview I cry the entire week thinking I will get a letter saying that I don't meet their criteria.

I don't know what I'm fighting against anymore. I'm sorry for sounding depressive.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Namenotdiagnosis & @Ladyghosthunter: Thanks for really supporting me ans encouraging me. I really appreciate your help.

What really scares me is future. I fear dreaming about good things. I just think that i have been dumped all the time and now I don't want to given any guy a chance to reject me just simply by ignoring them. I know it's not right but I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. I feel defeated from life. I keep feeling that no one wants me and the guys that look at me will not Like me for me because I have always been rejected child and now rejected adult. Every new experience be it interviews, guys looking at me , my life just scares me. I'm afraid to dream good things anymore because what is the guarantee that things will turn out well?

A guy was constantly looking at me today and I felt he was too good looking for me and I simply ignored him. I felt that I am an average Joe for someone that good and what's point of looking at him when I'll be rejected again.

I have seen disastrous relationship : my parents, pedophile and his wife (mum's sister) where he ran away when she was 8 months pregnant , mum's brother's relationship and his affairs, abusive chef beating his wife...

 

[anthony]

it's just difficult to believe that future won't be like the past.

Is your present like your past? Honestly?

 

[J_trustno1]

Not really. I currently don't have my abusers living at home thankfully. But I keep fearing that things will turn out to be like past. I'm equating past relationships to future relationships. I keep fearing my future will be like my childhood and my relationship will be like my parents or pedophile and his wife or whoever was involved in my childhood.

 

[anthony]

So, using your current situation, your present isn't like your past? Have you had any good relationships?

 

[J_trustno1]

Nope, not really. Only between my mother and I (yes, we have our odd misunderstandings or disagreements but which relationship doesn't? ), brother and I (yes, siblings argue and fight but he's million times better than my mum's brother to her or her sisters) , my grandfather (father's father, he died 8yrs ago) who didn't treat me like doormat.

Last but not least my uncle (father's brother, who died 6 years ago), he was a true gentleman who NEVER treated me any different to my brother, in fact I was his favorite child and he was, is and will always be the only man who was worthy of being my uncle. I wish he hadn't died. He never treated his wife like how my ruthless father treated us and our mother. He was a true gem of a person and I have never and will never speak ill for him because he is truly worthy of respect. Writing about my uncle today here on the forum for the first time reminded me of him and I really miss him today :(.