I don't deserve this because i'm not worthy.. the same repetitive internal dialogue

[J_trustno1]

I beat up myself too much to the point where I lose all my energy thinking about what ifs and telling myself that I am not good enough. This battle is always within my mind and me which stops me from being confident and allowing myself to think that I can have a good future. I tend to find faults in my body or looks. I know that I have good ethics and strong morals but I am letting materialists things to put me down. When I see someone looking at me , or the opposite I tend to think that I don't have the looks for this someone, or I'm not up to their standards or I'm too short or I have stretchmarks from being overweight in the past or I'm as fair skin as the other person or the worst one that Iam not intelligent enough to have them and the list goes on.

Now I feel that I will never be able to shut this internal dialogue because it's been with me my entire life. Whenever I'm about to achieve something good that I thought I couldn't, I always give the credit to others or luck or destiny BUT myself. I don't know if I am worthy of good things or not. I was NEVER allowed to be proud of my achievements instead I was given a new challenge each time to beat.

This guy I saw yesterday, there was eye contact going on from both parties but I did I am good at which is Ignore and move on. My internal thoughts are paralysing me from achieving goals in life be it mental health, or other goals in life (i.e. getting a job or doing well at an interview or future education ), last but not least having the courage not to ignore some. I present myself as a snob or an ignorant person which I am not, in fact I am 180 degrees opposite of a snob but that is what is coming out of me. I'm too shy to meet people or have high anxiety levels when I comes to being in a crowded situation.

 

[anthony]

Well... for starters, write down your what if's.

 

[anthony]

Ok, so confirm for me, are you a snob or shy?

 

[J_trustno1]

I'm actually shy :(. I'm no way near a snob. I thought I present myself that way.

My ifs are:

1. What if I am rejected
2.what if I'm not good enough for this person?
3. Why would anyone want me when they had other options.


Omg , I can't think of anymore ifs. I thought I had a huge list but no these are the only concerns I have which self-doubt and self-esteem.

 

[Rumors]

When you say your it's out loud, do the seem untrue? Do you find yourself thinking, "that doesn't sound right?"
I can tell you turning those words around and saying to yourself everyday, "I am awesome and he is pretty damn lucky to have me" is just as powerful as saying the negative things. Here is the thing, I can tell you with absolute certainty the 3 negative beliefs you wrote above are untrue..period. So, even if you don't believe it now, my positive statement is true. Try it on for size for a month. Instead of reaching for a negative statement about yourself, use a positive statement. From experience alone I can tell you it makes a difference. It isn't a cure, but it puts your mind in a place where you at least don't think you are a piece of sh*t!!!

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Rumors. I'm sorry for replying late because I was trying to reflect all the emotions I was going through. In the end it turned it that it was all part of my guilt and fear which has been engraved into me since childhood. This what I usually follow when any opportunity, interview, new change/view or meet someone new or this time this guy:

1. At first I am very excited and happy and over-think to the point that I am actually present in the situation which hasn't happened.
2. I keep thinking and feeling happy before anything real has happened, i.e. interview, or an attractive person or anything.
3. Slowly towards the end of the day 1, I start feeling if I am too happy and excited about something which never happen for me i.e. be with that someone or get that job I was going to interview on say day xyz.
4. I start worrying to the point that I start feeling guilty and fear starts building. Both these emotions dominate my mind. I feel guilty for being overly happy and excited something which may not happen in my life and I being stupid for thinking that I will get a job or think that I am desperate to look at someone who also looked at me.
5. I beat myself up too much that towards half of day 2, I am totally stuck with guilt and fear of rejection in both cases which hadn't happened yet.
6. Towards the end of day 2, I am sitting there and crying because I think that I will be rejected no matter what because I have been unsuccessful for 1.4 years in life. Then what is a guarantee that someone will accept me or like me when my own father and relatives hated me all my life. I am stupid and shameful for having those such high hopes.
7. Still crying on day 3.

How do I tell myself that I deserve something when I don't have any evidence to back it up? I was dumped three times (twice on internet and once in real life), job rejections, rejected by own father and then other assholes. It's just hard. I'm not trying to suck life out of anyone here but I am actually struggling with the feeling of feeling worthy. I feel guilty of looking back at the guy who was looking at me because I feel that he was out of my league and he deserved better not me. I am guilty of having hopes of having a job when I have been rejected for 1 year and 3 months till now.

I'm sorry everyone, but I'm not feeling good :(

 

[Rumors]

I can tell you without reservation that EVERYONE gets dumped from something in their life. Not once, but many times! What you are experiencing, and you need to tell yourself this, are normal fears and experiences. The compelling factor here is that you lack the coping skills to be able to navigate through this without having negative thoughts. I can absolutely feel where you are because I have been there and likely will be back there again at some point! I have to work hard daily to overcome the feeling of worthlessness. It is a lonely place J!

We didn't have parents who helped us learn how to navigate life's hard times so we were left to figure it out on our own. My guess is that from a very young developmental age you were embedded with fear and guilt. My T told me that at a young age kids believe that everything is about them whether it be positive or negative. If your highly developmental mind is jaded by messages that your dad was unhappy it must be your fault, in your mind. That message carries in to adulthood and leads us to believe that all bad things happen bc we aren't worthy which is NOT true! In a healthy mind, which I don't have but I often think about, one would realize that relationships happen, break ups happen, jobs can be lost, but at the end of the day it doesn't chip away at their core.

When I face adversity, I often think to myself, "I wonder what someone with healthy thinking styles would do?" Then, I often try and repetitively do those things until I can become more comfortable with the situation and see it for what it is, just a sh*t day. I try not to hang on to things anymore and dwell on them. I am married now, but I had tons of relationships some of which I ended and some I am sure the other person ended. I don't even remember now!!! I try and focus on the here and now and not the future or past too much. Keeping those things in check helps me not have unhealthy thinking styles. It is work! It isn't automatic! My automatic self would be to first say "boy, you eff'd that up you big dumb as*!" Now, I am able to say, "lots to learn from that experience some of which I may handle differently if faced with that again." THE END! No wallowing in it, and certainly no blame and negative thoughts!!! It has been the most powerful thing I have done in my healing experience. If you can't move beyond negative thinking styles, I don't think you can really move beyond the pain to heal. If I can do this, anyone can!!!! Promise!!!

 

[J_trustno1]

@Rumors: Wow, thanks. This makes a lot of sense. A lot of problem lies with my dwelling or you can it my obsessions. I have trouble letting go even if I try hard not to be affected by something I eventually become affected be it someone's comment or negative battle with my own mind. I find it difficult to win from my mind because I feel that my mind is taking over me and controlling me like a demon whereas it is supposed to the opposite where I am the who needs to be in control. I am going to have to dig deeper into this in therapy and find out ways to deal with this or else I will end up where I was a year away from now. Thanks for giving me positive vibes. Your messages have helped me quite a bit and I know now what I need to tackle before I complicate my life even more.

 

[Rumors]

You rock! Sending good vibes your way and lots of strength!

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Rumors :hug:s :)

 

[Rumors]

There is a poem I like to read by Kipling called "If"
It is about all of life's "if's" and if you are able to do them how you are kind of this whole person. I don't know...I read it and think maybe one day I can conquer most of them. Anyway, if you are in to reading poetry, take a peek.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Rumors, I'll definitely having a look. I love reading especially things which give me insight on into positive living. There is a very old poem called desiderata which was given to me by a very good friend and it helped me heaps. Thanks once again for thinking of me :hug:s :).