I expect him not to get angry. Is that fair?

[PreciousChild]

Out of curiosity.... Do you get that’s what most of us have been saying?

That the choice isn’t between explode or suppress, that there are a lot of different ways people experience, deal with, and express anger... that are totally healthy, functional, & sustainable? That never rises to the level of out of control, much less abuse?

Yes, I see that. I think I differ in that I'm tougher than most on yelling and venting.

Things like this, you cannt run into research outcomes. You are not running an organization.
Find your peace in anger uniquely suited for your unique relationship. You cannt throw research says to get out of situations. That is not how intimate relationship works.

You know how some people always date men who cheat or vice versa... Anger is the same. If you find it is on the surface, then it is for you not every man you meet. And you will find men with anger meaning they are mirroring you.

I feel you are close to turn fundamentally cause here we are having intense discussion.

The research shows that the more angry you get, the more angry you get. I think that's just common sense. If I want to get better at writing, I write a lot more. If I want to get better at acting charitably, I do more acts of charity. How we act when we get angry, and whether we get angry at all at a given a situation also teaches us how to act the next time we're in that situation. If you yell at your partner when you get frustrated, and you do that repeatedly, you will build up that habit.

Peer-reviewed research showed that when people are angry, doing nothing made people feel better over venting. To repeat, even doing nothing is demonstrably more effective than venting to cope with anger. The idea of "catharsis" or letting off steam is false. If you want peace, you act peacefully. If you want to create tension and conflict, yell and vent.

I want to reiterate that I believe that there is a primal rage we develop when we grow up under traumatic conditions. I don't want to diminish that or make people feel guilty for having had crap dumped on them that left them with anger. I think the goal is to heal and be able to better manage anger even if not perfectly. I don't agree with some people on here that venting and ranting is inevitable and partners and children are the ones that have to deal with it. I think we can be more proactive about how we deal with anger.

 

[EveHarrington]

The absence of anger isn’t necessarily healthy.

My ex couldn’t / didn’t show anger and it was hell on our relationship. My therapist told me that I was left with the burden of holding the anger in the relationship.

Anger can be the fuel needed to really hash things out and move forward.

I know they say it’s not good to have an ex who constantly bashes their ex’s, but at the same time he couldn’t even show anger toward his ex who treated his children like shit, amongst many other things. After leaving that relationship I realized she was in the same boat I was, dealing with a man who was la de da about everyone and everything, showing zero anger about anything. (No wonder she was so pissed about things.) IT IS MADDENING! Showing zero anger, getting heated about nothing, isn’t healthy at all.

I may get angry, but it’s part of how I get fired up about things, both good and bad.

 

[Sideways]

The research shows that the more angry you get, the more angry you get.

Watch out for the anger/agression overlap.

I think the research is more about: aggressive behaviour breeds more aggressive behaviour. It opines (and it is still in its infancy) that reacting to anger aggressively will encourage further aggressive responses to anger in the future.

For me? Anger is great. Most often I’m angry because I’m seeing something I consider unfair or unjust. I love that. It not only tells me where my morals are, it motivates me to act. To try and make the world a fairer place for the people I care about.

There’s actually not much that’s monumental about research that shows that if you engage in Behaviour A, you’re more likely to engage in Behaviour A in the future. And if your partner has exhibited no signs of Behaviour A (aggression), then you’re sweet!

Something to consider? What does getting reeeeally angry feel like to you (imagine someone injuring your pet). Have you ever felt anger like that on your own behalf????

 

[Fadeaway]

I admittedly skimed over some of this thread. I maybe compleatly out of touch with not feeling anger in the way therapists think I should, but I do know what 10+ years of different therapists saying the same thing, I think the experts disagree with you. Also, I am witnessing first hand the damaging results of what you want.

After being married to an openly angry man (first husband) I was attracted to the fact 2nd never expressed anger... or so I thought. He was horribly passive aggressive because he never vented, expressed, or reacted with anger. Now the damn has broken and I have to deal with decades worth of repressed anger and passive aggressiveness at the same time.

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is always triggered by a primary emotion. More than one therapist was concerned enough that I was to caught up in the primary emotion that I couldn't move on to anger to release it. Those primary emotions when there is no outlet get stored in the body. Clincaly I know this, in actuality I haven't had much success, as I think it comes out in panic and stubborness. I have a very hard time identifying what anger actually feels like. and that results in unhealthy thinking and behavior.

Habits are totaly different and it seems you are trying to equate that with anger. Anger doesn't breed anger, shit that triigers the primary emotion breeds anger.

 

[Hojay]

This thread is super valuable. I too am currently dealing with issues around anger, appropriate expressions of it, and appropriate self protective mechanisms when faced with out of control anger etc.

Just to briefly return to your original thoughts on disclosing your boundaries around anger to your partner: I’ve learned that when I try to broach subjects like this prophylactically, it’s not so much about my worry that the other will behave in certain ways, it’s about the fact that I, myself, don’t trust myself enough to have appropriate reactions to inappropriate behavior.

In other words, I’m trying to predict and control the others potential behavior because deep down I know I will struggle to have a healthy response for myself if it does occur. It’s also a way of putting the upholding of my own boundaries on the other in order to avoid having to make tough choices should the behavior occur.

If we trust our ability to leave, uphold boundaries, have appropriate self-protective mechanisms when stuff like this occurs, we don’t need to coach the other into complying with what we need. We’ll know what to do should it happen. I hope this makes sense.

 

[Mach123]

It's 100 % reasonable for you to expect anyone it a lover in particular not to get angry. That being said people make mistakes. I spent most of my life in horrid fear or anxiety lapsing into massive anger and shouting.

Healing is the calming of the waves. Even things out. Calm down.

What is anger for? It's for violence. It's an attempt to protect yourself or prevent someone from harming you or punishment.

I always struggled so hard with this because I thought of non violence as the highest state attainable for a human but I could never quite see how to do it. For me, getting into my female (ness) makes it seem more doable.

Anger has always gotten me less of what I want, bottom line.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Mach123 anger doesn't equal violence. Some people get violent, most don't. You can't tell someone e what to feel, be it sadness, anxiety, or anger. It is how the person expresses that anger.

Maybe the compromise is that the angry person avoids the other when angry?

 

[grit]

Sometimes anger means needs were not met long time ago and may not have anything to do in the present tense - it is called trauma. Unfortunately.

Watch Who is afraid of Virginal Woolf? and you may get a glimpse of simmering anger from the past dressed like today's princess.

 

[Mach123]

I'm not saying I'm gonna be violent because I'm angry I'm saying every time I've experienced violence there was anger but, that's just for me.

 

[user27357]

@Sideways

" What does getting reeeeally angry feel like to you (imagine someone injuring your pet). Have you ever felt anger like that on your own behalf????"

Okay, so if someone hurts my pet and I don't get as angry as I do if someone takes my parking space, am I somewhere on the psychotic axis? No......

theres the argument that I can't unhurt my pet no matter how much I dent the head of the person that hurt my pet, but maybe I can get some space stealing scum to think about it next time........which I don't really buy into

or maybe I am supposed to say that hurting me is preferrable to hurting my pet and of course it makes me angrier, but generations of people ahead of me that survived and proliferated through basically being selfish and self serving tears that argument apart....

Something to consider? What does getting reeeeally angry feel like to you (imagine someone injuring your pet). Have you ever felt anger like that on your own behalf????

Whats the answer?

Yes, I have been as angry as I was when I saw someone hurt my daughter, on my own behalf. hard to measure the difference between 9.9999999 out of ten and ten. yes, I have even been to 11. And back, no jail time. hard to answer and I am not sure if there is a good answer to the question, Sideways.

 

[scout86]

One of the things I learned from watching the movie "Inside Out" was that anger is the emotion whose job is to keep other people from running over the top of us. It's a perfectly valid and useful emotion. From there, though, you have to consider the various shades that come up related to people respecting and valuing each other, or not. There's a difference between shouting "Stop!" and shouting "Stop you stupid pig!" for example. There's difference between expressing the feeling, and going on and on in what amounts to punishing the other party.

 

[Sideways]

Whats the answer?

It was a question specifically directed to the OP, and there is not only no correct answer, but I think you may have read inferences into it that weren’t there.

The question was about exploring (a) finding an example of an experience that has made you really angry; and then (b) whether the OP has ever experienced angrr to that extent on their own behalf. For example, did you get that angry about the abuse you suffered?

I literally have no idea where your reference to being ‘psychotic’ comes from. The example of the pet being injured was simply an easy example of something that a lot of people would relate to feeling really angry about.