I Feel I Deserve To Die

[Ronin]

Maybe I deserve to die because of the things I've done.

If everyone deserved to die for minor infractions on anything, there'd be no one left.

I hate myself so much and can't deal with knowing I'm so evil.

Depression lies. You're not evil.

I'm afraid to be happy in case I get found out as the fraud I am.

Faking anything, if you were, realistically, still isn't a reason to deny yourself the happiness. You deserve to be happy because you're a person. Everything else secondary.

I keep googling what are the characteristics of child molestors and they all say that on the surface they seem like nice people.

Maybe stop googling that, because they're really not talking about you. One thing child molesters aren't concerned with, is the effect on their victims.

Being caught masturbating isn't nowhere near that. You're not a child rapist, don't paint yourself for one.

Another thought? That victim / perpetrator blurriness is pretty common. You're not those people, don't slide deeper into thinking you are just like them please.

 

[Ronin]

I feel I have betrayed myself and others and that really hurts.

Betrayals are such a feeble and temporary thing at times.
&
Lost confidences can be regained, so work on regaining them if that's a reality instead of a feeling, instead of dwelling on the loss.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Thank you @Cashew for your replies. Much appreciated input. I hope to get past all this shame and guilt with adjusted meds and a good therapist.

 

[Ronin]

Fingers crossed medication changes and therapy help you, @SoSadGuilty.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Fingers crossed medication changes and therapy help you, @SoSadGuilty.

Thanks for your good wishes and support @Cashew Tomorrow is another day and maybe after reaching out here today my mind can rest a little easier for just a while at least. It is tiring hating yourself and rethinking almost 20 year old memories repeatedly day after day. Thinking doesn't make it easier to accept or process.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Today is mostly anxious but I feel a little less like I want to die. The guilt and shame will not abate or leave me and anxiety is high but maybe I don't deserve to die.

 

[PhD2beMaria]

I don't know, doesn't that sound like an excuse? I know my dad was mean but I had a pretty normal an...

Please understand, monsters are made, not born. If something you did has resulted in self hate, it is a sign there IS goodness in your soul. True evil never feels guilt for past behavior. Therefore, if you act in a way that seems beyond your control, you may be struggling with suppressed memories (or emerging memories) that your brain is desparately trying to understand. Now is the time to explore those memories with a professional trained in the area of your struggle, as this is the point of crisis. In my training, we are taught to look for this point of crisis with anticipation. It means healing can begin!

God gives us these crisis so our souls can heal from past trauma because you cannot take medicine if you do not know you are sick. You were created by a good and loving God to be good. When something or someone injures your soul, God patiently waits for just the right moment to make you aware of it, in order to properly heal you. He doesn't condemn you. He loves you and wants to help you heal but you cannot do this without knowing you need healing.

If you cannot find a good therapist you can afford, go to your priest in confession and ask for help. They have resources available to them. If you aren't Catholic or Anglican, see a minister or social services. They can refer you to the right person.

But don't be discouraged! Guilt and shame are signs that goodness still resides in your soul! Rejoice!

I shall pray for your healing!
Peace!

 

[MariaTPhD]

Today is mostly anxious but I feel a little less like I want to die. The guilt and shame will not ab...

Your journey to healing has begun! Many feelings of guilt and self loathing are caused by the internal voice of a hyper-critical parent. If that same parent inflicted sexual trauma on you, it will be a very loud internal voice, especially if you have not fully recalled or processes the trauma. However, even if it was not sexual trauma, if the hypercritical parent caused you to feel as though your past trauma was your fault, the internal voice can be very loud.

If you know what happened in your past, you can try this exercise and it should help you. Take two chairs and set them face to face. If possible, get your husband to watch at a distance to interject a second voice of reason. Sit in one chair and allow the voice you hear telling you of your guilt or shame to speak. Then change chairs and RESPOND to that voice as yourself. Defend yourself, whatever it is, by saying what comes up for you. Go back and forth withe the two chairs as the voice emerges. At some point, you may begin to speak to that loud voice as the person who was critical in your past. This is good! It means the fragmentation of your soul is healing.

While you do this, speak of whatever trauma of the past comes up. Tell the empty chair how you felt at that time and what you needed (or still need) from the other voice. When done right, it will give you insight and reconciliation with your past.

We call this the Empty Chair Gestalt Method of self healing. Also, look for Art Bohart's book on self healing. He is a brilliant facilitator of healing and all healing is really self healing.

May God bless your healing!

 

[Ronin]

Would you hate me if you just heard my story on the street?

Look, I'd be probably more concerned you cross the street safely. People need to not be hit by cars whether they're depressed guy or convict on a run. I'd probably have my reserves about the latter, but in that very moment, there's so many other priorities, and judgment isn't one of them, keeping you alive is.

 

[blackemerald1]

Evil people, truly evil people do not feel guilt, shame, regret, disclose their actions or feelings... as you have done & intend to do.
Evil people delight in getting away with what they have done & if nothing such as Law Enforcement intervenes they quite often continue their actions or escalate.
Evil blames & gloats over their abilities to harm & is repulsed by being held to account for their actions. Evil people show no mercy & exploit others purely because they can.
Evil people are good at changing their personas to suit their desire to cause more harm. Evil people never want to die!
Nothing you have disclosed describes a truly inherent Evil person.
Confused, depressed, distressed & dozen over lapping emotional reactions all pushing your rational mind around. Stop Googling, start therapy & in the meantime try the above suggestions. I think you are trying to find an instant fix for a long term problem.
Not one of us has never done things we do not regret. I have for sure. But though I either knew at the time or, later realised what I had said, done or not done was inappropriate, bad... whatever, I know I am not Evil because I have no delight, excuses or intent to do that again.
God is a forgiving God. You need to explore forgiveness for yourself.

 

[Ronin]

I like that list, @blackemerald1. Please continue, when you feel like it. I'd love to read the rest.

 

[MariaTPhD]

Evil people, truly evil people do not feel guilt, shame, regret, disclose their actions or feelings...

Spot on!