I Hate Everyone I Love, But I Want To Feel Loved

[EveHarrington]

My advice?

Strap yourself in for the ride.

The name of the game when it comes to PTSD is learning to go with the flow when you have ups and downs. And yes, the ups and downs will continue to happen, but with treatment they won't be so pronounced.

:hug:

 

[LoneWoIf]

Hi @LoneWoIf and welcome to the forums. By reading what you wrote on your name ta...

Um....This is a little frustrating. I'm not judging anyone. I was feeling suicidal and wanted to vent my feelings. Maybe it's not rational so...sorry?

I'm not judging anyone. I felt like no one cares and my life didn't matter. Yes in turmoil, my life feels unnecessary. I don't like being attacked. I wrote this seeking help but your response makes me feel really weird.

 

[LoneWoIf]

My advice?

Strap yourself in for the ride.

The name of the game when it comes to PTSD is learn...

I've accepted this. And realized the more you fight, the worse it is. I think you feel better when you can actually accept it.

 

[LoneWoIf]

I've had PTSD probably since age 10, I'm 63 now. I was The angriest person there was. I flew off the ha...

I think you're right. I'm trying to find a doctor soon. Someone professional who can sort all this crap out. You know it's not right if you feel guilty after going off on someone. I tried everyone's advice today and walked away without blowing up. And screamed in a pillow. It's amazing how you recognize what you're doing and how to keep from being an unnecessary asshole.

I realize it's not their fault and it's not okay to take your pain out on them.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@LoneWoIf Good for you, acknowledging is the first step, and then you took action to not hurt other people. That's awesome!!!! Yes, PTSD is tough, it's hard, and at times it just plain shits. But all of us have to find ways to overcome, deal and to strive for better ways. It ain't easy, but you have to start somewhere and at sometime.

You did good!!!!

 

[Gs172003]

I think you're right. I'm trying to find a doctor soon. Someone professional who can sort all this cra...

It doesn't sound to me like you hate them. It sounds like you are frustrated that you aren't getting your needs met.

 

[LoneWoIf]

It doesn't sound to me like you hate them. It sounds like you are frustrated that you aren't getting you...

I think you are exactly right. Honestly, it's frustrating because everyone is so happy go lucky and more resilient than me (I guess is the word I'd use). It's frustrating because I try to explain what's wrong and I feel like they don't completely understand it. Like, oh just go for a walk and "healthy activities" will fix everything. Or just hit this HAPPY button, and the bad feelings will disappear. It's very frustrating. Instead of trying to elaborate, I just shut down, go hide in some hobby, and kinda numb myself until I feel a little better. It's a vicious cycle.

I keep a lot of my feelings inside for fear of looking/feeling weak. I know they care but I don't think they know how to help me. Which is why I feel like a trained doctor can figure this crap out and kinda guide me in the right direction. I know A LOT of the problem is the way I think. I'm aware of it but in the moment of turmoil, it's hard to change. Like I'm fully as I'm writing this that my thought patterns are illogical, but when I'm in stress/anxiety it's all jumbled up.

My mom calls me usually right back, but it's hard because I fear she's tired of hearing my 'problems' and I know she's not but it's just a constant battle in my mind reaching out to people. :( My boyfriend is supportive but he's very strong and I don't think really comprehends what I'm feeling. My friends help but I usually just hangout instead of talking about my feelings because I don't want to bother them.

 

[LoneWoIf]

@LoneWoIf Good for you, acknowledging is the first step, and then you took action t...

Thanks She Cat. :) I'm trying. Like you said, it's not easy. Do you think you're better than you once were? Or is it just something you have to be aware of to keep from taking things out on loved ones?

 

[Gs172003]

I think you are exactly right. Honestly, it's frustrating because everyone is so happy go lucky and mo...

I'm sorry

 

[DharmaGirl]

Or just hit this HAPPY button,

I once told my therapist not to go on with the happy thoughts shit. He laughed. and that got me laughing.

All of my friends have PTSD or chronic pain. Mainly because I met them at groups. We know that it's ok to give each other space and/or support. It is so much easier with someone who understands. I have been where you are, and now I'm doing better emotionally but I have to keep my world small, and I can't work. It sucks because I loved working, but it is what it is. I hope you are feeling better and not so suicidal today.

 

[WillyKat]

The thing is, everyone is not happy go lucky. It's funny how, now that I'm in my 50s, people I grew up with stop putting on airs and start opening up about how tough life is. No question people fake it, all the time, but I think deep down many, many people hurt inside. I keep praying that there will be a revolution where all that pretense ends.

 

[Gs172003]

The thing is, everyone is not happy go lucky. It's funny how, now that I'm in my 50s, people I...

This.