I just need some care and support

[FauxLiz]

I am traveling tomorrow (Friday) back to my previous community for my qtr check up with the super hard to see headache specialist I see. I had to come down earlier this month for blood work do to a new med but after this I have no legitimate reason to come over until my next appt in 3 months. I had requested a copy of my medical records from my old T two weeks ago and as I am paying I reached out to his office to offer to pick them up while I am in town to save money on postage.

Unexpectedly old Therapist responded to my clerical request and said he was just about to send then but he would hold them and if I was available between 2 and 3 he would enjoy seeing me when he gave me the records. I want to see him I am just so scared that I am going to breakdown and cry I started to at our last session but I never really broke down like I have since.

So I am just asking for support to not fall apart, I want our alliance to end on a happy note not sad I don't want any guilt or shame or embarrassment to ruin it for either of us..

 

[Teamwork]

It’s almost as if I’m missing the rest of the story. If you break down and cry so be it, he knows what to do. How very kind that he wants to see you. Go see him. Sometimes what we suppose will happen doesn’t so it’s best to just say to yourself wait and see what happens. I hope you will try to spend less time on what could happen and just let it happen. Seems kind that he invited you in, so he wants all of you, not the cover up that can’t let the guard down. I hope this makes sense. I think I’m trying to say not to prejudge any of it, what you may or may not do and how he may or may not feel about it.

 

[Justmehere]

That sounds hard! I know you have been trying so hard to let go of this therapist and work with the new one. That being said, his office seems like a good place to cry. I hope he supports you well if that happens. You and him have nothing to be embarrassed about. :hug:

 

[scout86]

I'm glad he said that! What ever it will be ok. Really! If guilt and shame show up, they are coming from inside your own head and will be based on cognitive distortions. He can probably help with that. I'm hoping you have a good visit! (BTW roads always run in both directions and we never know what's going to happen in the future. I wouldn't get too hung up on thinking "never again" because you just never know.)

 

[FauxLiz]

@Teamwork, @scout86, @Justmehere ans everyone else thank you for the support and encouragement every time I think of seeing my previous T this afternoon I tear up so I know this is going to be worse than I expected but it will also be good. I terminated with my P-doc at my appointment this morning as they are changing insurances accepted and as of tomorrow my new insurance isn’t one of them. All these changes the last few months thank heavens no one has tried to mess with my meds.

 

[Justmehere]

Oh damn. So sorry you had to end with your p-doc too!

 

[FauxLiz]

Just my luck, honestly I am terrified I will go to appointment with headache specialist and the same thing will happen

 

[hithere]

how did it go? Hope it went well. I think that is really nice of the therapist.

 

[FauxLiz]

Thank you everyone. It wasn't what I expected. I have worked really hard since our termination session on 8/4 to not reach out to him in any manner. I didn't email him when I felt things were not going well with the new T, I didn't text him when I was struggling with SI and SH instead I kept those issues to discuss with new T. The only thing I did do was send him a hand written thank you know for the help with the work we did. I sent it to his office and other than contacting the office for a copy of my records to which he emailed me and asked some follow up questions which I briefly answered.

Today, he called me back and what had the potential to be a very cathartic meeting left me feeling hurt and confused. He strongly suggested that I don't read the files until I can do so in the company of the new T. Which has had me wondering just what the hell he could have said in his file that would be so traumatic that I need another T to help me process it. So for now I am just staring at the box trying to figure out if I want to open Pandora's box or if it really is Pandora's box.

 

[hithere]

I wonder why he would give it to you if he doens't want you to read it unless you are with the new T? goodness me. He should have mailed it. I know what I'd do because I have low impulse control. I wouldn't be able to handle waiting.

 

[Sideways]

Try not to go to the worst case scenario - your T’s suggestion that you only read the notes with the help of another professional is a sound and standard recommendation.

Remember that your T’s notes aren’t likely to simply be a record of what you’ve said during your appointments. They are a medical record, of medical (not personal) observations and very likely to be misinterpreted without the assistance of a professional with training in how to understand them.

Hope things pan out okay with your headache specialist. And with your new T.

 

[Justmehere]

He strongly suggested that I don't read the files until I can do so in the company of the new T.

That's normal, and not anything unusual, for psychotherapy notes. This is a standard recommendation simply because it can be really hard to see how another person took notes on trauma sessions in a clinical way. It isn't a recommendation specific to you, but generally given to anyone requesting and obtaining psychotherapy records.

I was accidentally sent my psychotherapy records once. I read them. It was weird. It wasn't surprising to me, but it somehow still got under my skin. It affected the therapeutic alliance. I've been very reluctant to read through psychotherapy notes again. I figure it's up to the therapist to tell me what I need to know.