I Ought To Be Phoning The Crisis Line

[Sandstone]

So what actually happened? I'm missing so much of that day and the next that I don't really know. I thought the actual crash was at about 11am, but it seems it was after 3pm. I remember making the first post, but few of the responses and certainly none of my subsequent posts. They were a complete surprise when I logged back on.

To clarify one thing, when I said "no-one's worried about driving under the influence" I was referring to the incident last June when I recognised I would deliberately crash if I drove, tried to go to sleep, took several Zopiclone and then woke a few hours later and drove home, plainly in no safe state to be in control of a vehicle. Although I reported it the next day to my MH team, they weren't very interested, and no follow up ever ensued. I do care about driving safely, never drink and drive.

I have faint recollection of taking pills at home and then none at all of apparently collecting more, putting them in a basket with a bottle of water and getting into the car. It seems I took, Zopiclone, diazepam, antihistamines, Naproxen, Sertaline, Venlafaxine and some others. No memory of negotiating major roads and junctions, including passing my second desired place to crash. I have a faint picture of shocked faces in a line coming out of the reception office, an aural memory of someone saying " She's still necking them" and then "Give me that basket" and then someone saying " Can't we get her out the side" It seems the car was jammed solid between two sets of doors leading to a vestibule. Apparently they had to winch it out backwards

No memory at all of A&E, which is a blessing since I know most of the staff. Next thing I recall is an interview with my husband and three men. I'd swear two had beards, but it seems not. Then being in a hospital bed and being given a sleeping pill, and asking if that was good idea. Then the first clear memory is of waking in the night, reviewing my dreams as my therapist has asked me to do, and opening my eyes and seeing the cubicle curtain supports in the ceiling and thinking " Oh shit it actually happened." I got out of bed and tried to get to A&E to ask if my memories were true, but was restrained in the corridor because I was section dot the Medical Assessment Ward.

As someone who focuses on self control and presenting a calm exterior no matter what, it's a horrible disgusting, terrifying mess.
Much worse, as someone who values human life, indeed all life, and literally can't kill a fly. I'm appalled that I treated other people with such callous disregard fro their safety and stability.
The first thing I did when I had enough drugs out of my system was to write and apologise to the staff of the building I crashed into.

 

[ms spock]

Making amends is a good start stenni.

Be compassionate towards yourself.

 

[Sandstone]

Took another overdose last Monday, while my Care Co-ordinator and someone from the Crisis Team were at my house. I'd been very desperate for a couple of days, and had written it all down - my husband had taken the note to MH and as a result they'd come out.

They'd been rabbiting on about waiting lists and it was clear nothing was going to happen. I have two sorts of OD's, one I call precautionary, where I sedate myself so I can't do anything more extreme, but this was the full scale, want to be dead version.

As a result I had another assessment with a Psych., a nurse and someone else from the Crisis Team on Tuesday. I have no recollection of it apart from two moments - a man said I shouldn't drive, and everyone wanted me to agree to something. The whole period from Monday afternoon to Thursday morning has vanished - my family say I was in and out of sleep all that time. I find it incredibly disturbing to know that I have been assessed but have no idea what I said. Since there were nine Lorazepam amongst the drugs I took, I was probably much less guarded than usual - I've observed the dis-inhibiting effect on myself when I take just one.

What makes it worse was that my daughter was there, and I don't know what she now knows. She knows my diagnosis, but not the causes and I've worked hard to keep it that way. Just to improve things, she's now told me she's referred herself to her local MH service.

I got a visit from someone, but she said they are busy with people who are really ill, with schizophrenia, psychosis and the like. The outcome, I suppose, is beneficial. I'm very shut down so I'm not experiencing any feelings. That should help if therapy ever materialises.

I'm getting phone calls every other day from the Crisis Team, but they are being relentlessly cheerful. It's a bit like being phoned by Tigger, and just as exhausting.

 

[DharmaGirl]

My God! You overdosed and they didn't hospitalize you? That is nuts! You are also really ill, PTSD can be fatal, and you know this because of the suicide attempts. I overdosed before, and a friend took my son that night and wrote me a letter about what he did and said. I was so upset that the thought of going through with it prompts me to go to ER, even if I hate it. Go to ER next time, maybe they can help. I feel for you and I'm hoping you feel at least a tad better every day.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @stenni they will just be glad when you feel better, please go easy on yourself, last thing you need is self-blame for pain. And as to what you said or did, for one thing in that state everything should be taken with a grain of salt. They will just be thankful you made it. I'm glad if your daughter can get support - that's good as she loves you & is afraid, & you need support as well.

((((((((((((((((Dear dear stenni))))))))))))))

 

[DharmaGirl]

Sorry, I thought you were having a new incident. If I could list the stuff I've done when I'm in crisis, you would be laughing so hard. I had to go to the ER where I worked and I was unconscious so I have no idea what I said to my coworkers either. Yikes. I think I told my therapist I loved him. I haven't the guts to ask. I had taken 27 lorazepam so I'm sure I said whatever came into my brain.

You will get through this even though is totally sucks. It will be hard, but you can do it. You really can. We can be your support. I wish I could come over and sit with you for awhile. Cyber hugs.

 

[Hashi]

@stenni, meaning this with nothing but sympathy and support, what have you decided about getting an appropriate private therapist? Even if that's email/telephone/Skype?

You sound beyond desperate. The NHS sounds beyond dreadful. How can this change and you get proper support?

I want it to change, for your sake. I don't believe the NHS services are going to do that. Do you believe the NHS are going to come through for you? Do you think something else is needed, or is that just me?

I really, really don't mean to be harsh. I'm very concerned about you. I'm concerned that you still seem to be looking to the NHS, and I don't see any way that's going to work. If it could, I would be incredibly glad.

If I'm very honest, I worry that all this drama around the NHS is distracting you from getting what you need elsewhere.

 

[ms spock]

Thinking of you @stenni.

 

[Sandstone]

I had a private therapist, who I believe to be the most experienced and reputable in the area, but we've agreed to stop as she doesn't believe I can be treated safely without scope to admit if things get bad. The NHS therapist I saw for an assessment in February sounds as though she would go along the right lines, and at least would have the ability to refer me for admission if needed. That's not to say there would be a bed, or that therapy could continue while I was admitted, but it would be a step in the right direction. There is no inpatient therapy service on the NHS in this area, and I can't pay thousands of pounds a week for a private admission.

I'm becoming clear though that my responsibility is to refuse to go any further with therapy until the stabilisation stage is properly under my belt. Reading about it just isn't enough for me, I need someone to work through it with me.

I've been reading The Work of Stabilisation in Trauma Treatment by Janina Fisher, yet again

"Trauma survivors cannot teach themselves how to be safe and stable because they have no baseline, no meaningful experience of what the words "safe " or "stable" mean. They desperately need a teacher: someone who will provide structures for learning, a wealth of information, and feedback….

A trauma survivor can have a meaningful, productive life without ever remembering or processing the trauma, but she cannot have such a life without doing the work of stabilisation The message for the patient is a simple one: no recovery from trauma is possible without attending to issues of safety, care for the self, reparative connections to other human beings, and a renewed faith in the universe. The therapist's job is not just to be a witness to this process but to teach the patient how." http://www.janinafisher.com/pdfs/stabilize.pdf

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow @stenni , I think you are really correct. That is amazing info from that book, reading what you wrote makes a big difference for me, thank you. :hug: I think that is so.

I hope each day you feel better & better, XOX. :hug: :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I think the second paragraph you quoted is where I'm at, or true for me. I don't know 'how' or 'how much' or 'what' processing exactly always means (except for technically) but I think she's right as far as the rest leading to happiness & feeling better, as well as 'life'. :hug:

Not sure if it's helpful but I've just looked her up (her work) & amongst many articles she has one on self-harm & suicidality (that's what it's called) that might help? The little I read seems very true.

I think it's sort of like cracking a 'trauma code'. ((((((Dear stenni))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

There's a term used in that PDF ^ 'post-traumatic self-destructiveness'. And a safety-plan layout and such.