General I recently discovered my wife was raped. how to deal with her secrecy?

[user27357]

Just some basic background- I am PTSD sufferer, childhood abuse, physical trauma, EMS first responder. She is also childhood abuse and crime victim PTSD sufferer. We have a thirty year marriage that has been rough but has produced great kids and is still hanging on but by a thread. Worse over past few years as we deal with empty nest and her being physically disabled, worsening PTSD due to some things I knew about and now her secret rape a year and a half ago.

I want to be supportive, i want to help her, I want to hunt down and kill her rapist, I want to at least report this to the police, lots of what I think most husbands would feel. I feel like ALL of the things I would/should do have been cut away from me as options. The only thing I have a firm grasp on is that she didn't trust me to.....be supportive? Act appropriately?
The only thing I know is that she didn't trust me to keep her secret, and now that I know, it is just that much worse, she still wants this to be a secret, she still wants to go on like it never happened.

I guess I can do that, I dont have any choice, but how do I live with the fact that she didn't tell me?

What can I do for her besides absolutely nothing? can anyone explain to me why she didn't tell me?

I am here because I need to be a supporter now, but how do you help someone who went against everything you thought a marriage was and denied you the ability to help? That doesn't want help? That doesn't even want you to feel like you need to help? She seems to resent me wanting to talk about it at all. I can't keep it all in, I feel like I am in a whirlwind all alone.

I feel guilty even asking for help . like I am a sufferer of her rape, but I don't know what to feel or do and need your help here supporters. help me understand this please.

Just to save time- I was fixing a computer problem, her printer quit working and we had to print out some tickets for her and our daughters quickly. She left with the tickets, printed on my PC, and I set to work on her PC. I downloaded new drivers, blew out a half dozen old printers from the device files and set her printer to be primary, opened the first document in her docs folder and sent it to her printer- it was from her counselor to her lawyer regarding her disability and there it was, her traumas starting with sexual abuse as a child and as an adult- I probably should have stopped reading but I had just heard that my wife was sexually abused as an adult- doesn't that mean I am an abuser? I had to read on...raped 18 months ago. I closed the document and walked out of her office, the next day she saw what I had printed and here I am...asking you for help. the consequences of me finding out are innocent enough, she sees that it was the first document in the list, it was only titled with the date sent, I wasnt sneaking and she trusts that fully, and i deserve the trust. I am not a sneak and she obviously wasnt concerned that I might be, This explains why she lied about me not being allowed in to her disability hearing but I knew it was a lie and figured it was just her pride, not wanting me to see all of her weaknesses on display, but not thinking that there was a horrible secret.

I might get in to see a counselor this week, waiting to hear back, these are her weekend days and i wont hear back for 2 more days about possibly seeing her in 5. Meanwhile, I am living with this alone, waiting for my wife to talk more about this. Please help!

 

[Suzetig]

Oh my goodness, I hear your pain and confusion about all of this, and no wonder.

I can’t tell you why your wife specifically didn’t tell you but I know that rape feels incredibly shameful which makes it very difficult to tell anyone, especially the people we are closest to. Rape takes away control and one way to get back a sense of control is to decide what you want to do about it, whether you report it, tell other people about it or deal with it yourself. It can be hard to deal with your own reaction, it can feel like you literally can’t cope with how anyone else might feel about - so you’ll talk to your therapist because you don’t need to support them but not your partner because you would need to support them and you can’t cope with that.

Rape also still comes with lots of values piled on, you feel like you could have/should have been able to prevent it, to protect yourself, to stop it happening - telling someone close that you’ve not been able to keep yourself safe is very difficult. Sometimes rapists threaten their victims not to tell - and if the rapist is someone you know, is someone close to your daily life or someone you fear even adults will worry about the consequences of telling anyone. They also may fear not being believed.

Please notice that none of this is about the person they’re not telling - in this case you. Some of the thought processes aren’t rational and go against our usual thoughts about close relationships but that’s what rape does, it makes you doubt everything you knew about yourself and the people around you.

This isn’t a reflection on you or the quality of your marriage - it’s about what your wife can cope with. Have you talked to her about what you found?

 

[Freida]

First - don't feel guilty for being here! I applaud that you came here - because it means you truly want to help.

I want to hunt down and kill her rapist, I want to at least report this to the police, lots of what I think most husbands would feel.

This. ^^^ I agree it is how most hubbies would feel. And there was no way she could deal with this on top of everything she was already feeling. You would have had question. You would have wanted answers. You would have wanted explanations. You would have drug her into a police station and demanded she talk about it. You would have been angry. You would have wanted to do something to fix it. Because that's what loved ones do. That's how they want to help.
And none of that would have helped her.

Plus you said she already had ptsd as a crime victim. So this is another crime for her to deal with? holy crap.
I don't think its a question of trust. I think its a question of fear and disgust and shame and anger. If you read the journals you will see victims almost always blame themselves. So they expect others to blame them also -- even those closest to them. And someone with an abuse history? Even more of an issue.

You want her to talk to you, but what do you want her to say? Sometimes there are no words. Especially after a trauma. She may want to talk but not be able to. She may be using denial -- If she ignores it then it will go away. She may not know what she needs,so she doesn't know how to ask. This is where you you getting into therapy is a great thing. Hopefully your T will be able to answer your questions and help you see that her not talking is more of a self defense mechanism than an indication of no trust.

Hopefully that helps a bit....

 

[user27357]

thanks for the quick help Suzetig and Freida.

Yes, she knows I know.

I just got an email from a counselor I used to see, going to get to talk at least on the phone very soon.

your replies are helping me with this and i appreciate it. I will do my best to get it to trickle down to the real sufferer here.

 

[Suzetig]

Ah no, you are a real sufferer here too - knowing your wife was raped is a huge thing, please don’t dismiss what you’re coming to terms with. You too are left angry, powerless and questioning - those things are very real, the realty is you both will be impacted by this in your own right. It’s natural for you to have feelings about this too.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I was molested as a teenager...I got married, we had a child, and I didn't tell my husband. It was something I was told as a child by my mother to "forget" so I thought I'd put away the past and start my marriage as the person he said "I do, to." It's definately not one of those comfy sharing moments, tarnish (that you somehow feel you might have prevented if you said or did something differently)...something you never want your kids to know about (so not sharing helps to secure the information into the past)....and not bring that part of you into a family. There were awful memories that I didn't want to share with anyone, and especially not risk potential betrayal or rejection by my husband. I liked the image he had of me....not one of a helpless pitiful victim. I couldn't fathom telling him, because I'd project so many possible ways he might act......and of course the most negative ones....kept me from telling.

If her previous support system didn't handle it well and she didn't get good counseling, that's sets the stage for not telling anyone else... it is not a memory many choose to discuss or maybe even feel they have the strength or ability to disclose. Memories are painful, shameful, and as for the flashbacks disclosure causes...the sleepless nights....the parts of memories intruding during the day.....jumpiness and anxiety....the reoccurring smells and visuals.....for these reasons and many more, I did choose to keep quiet and not tell the husband. It was not a risk I wanted to take.

Try not to judge her so harshly for not telling you, as those things did happen pre-marriage, and her decisions may have been her way of protecting herself from your hurt and shame you might feel....and your anger at the perpetrator....as well as her personal identity....her own image as a mother, wife, and family member. Not telling is protective and a way of self-preservation. You can only move forward, support her, and get support together in therapy. Good luck.

 

[Muttly]

It's understandable you are upset and confused. Part of why rape is so incredibly damaging is that it warps the fabric of intimacy. So you are suffering in a real way. The person who caused the damage isn't your wife (I know you aren't blaming her) but the rapist. Keeping something like that secret from you, doesn't have to be lack of trust. Shame, fear, confusion, protecting you, trying to keep the relationship untouched by what happened, keeping some sense of control of her body, and on and on... there are so many reasons she may not have told. The unfair thing is, those reasons may well have nothing to do with you. I know that there have been things about my sexual abuse I have wanted to tell before and literally could not say the words.

I am glad you are reaching out for your own therapy. This is going to be a painful time for both of you and getting support will be important.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you were in stress cup overflow/explosion mode at the time, she may have seen it as something she didn’t want to stress you about. I think it’s important to look at this from all sides and not immediately jump to the conclusion that it’s ALL about her shame. That doesn’t seem fair given that we don’t know the dynamics of your relationship and don’t know what was going on in your relationship around the time of her rape.

 

[barefoot]

I didn't tell my partner about my past sexual abuse and assault. I didn't tell anyone at all until I told my therapist about three years ago.

And then, about a year ago, I accidentally revealed it to my partner because I sent her an email I'd drafted to my T and I wanted her to just read it and tell me if it was ok (I was writing it in a highly anxious, losing my shit kind of state so I wanted my partner to just check it to make sure it made sense and that it was 'measured') And I meant to delete a short paragraph in the middle - those three or four lines didn't get into any great detail but it did make it clear that I'd experienced sexual abuse as a child in a couple of contexts. But then, I forgot to delete it - and as soon as I pressed send, I realised my mistake and it was a hideous moment but it was too late. The message sent and she read it and I can't begin to tell you how awful that felt. It felt awful because I had 'outed myself' and shared something deeply personal that I was still really struggling with and it felt so exposing and I just wasn't ready to have anyone else know. And I felt awful for her because, if I was going to share it with her, I wouldn't have done it that way. And I felt awful because I knew how hurt she would be that I had kept this "secret".

So, I can completely understand how hard this is for both of you.

In case it helps at all, I can tell you some of the reasons why I didn't tell my partner:
- I hadn't processed what had happened myself. I hadn't come to terms with it at all - all I felt I could do was hang on to it myself. That's all that felt manageable.
- I was in massive denial. And, with my T and when I was just thinking about it by myself, I minimised and minimised - and then used to convince myself that it hadn't even happened and that I must be making it up. And, even if it had happened, it really wasn't that bad. So then, that wasn't a big deal, was it?! So then, there wasn't anything to tell.
- I had no idea how to bring that up. How does one start that conversation? I've still no idea...
- I didn't feel that I needed her help with it - I had my T to talk to about it if i wanted to and that was enough. I didn't want it being part of my relationships with other people - especially the most important person in my life.
- Mostly, I wanted to forget about it - not tell people about it.
- I felt ashamed.
- I felt confused.
- I didn't want my partner to think/feel any differently about me.
- I didn't want to somehow "spoil" our relationship.
- I didn't want it to affect our sex life. Even though it already was.
- I didn't want her to be upset. I didn't want her to have to deal with it. I didn't want her to be stressed about it. Or worried about me. I didn't want her to have to know something about me that was horrible. Whether it was that it made me horrible. Or whether it was her having to deal with something horrible happening to me at some point. My partner doesn't have PTSD - if she did, I would probably have been even more determined not to stress her or upset her with talking to her about traumatic stuff.

And these ^^^^ are just a few things I can think of right now, very easily, off the top of my head - there are probably more.

My partner and I did have to talk about it a bit at the time because, you know, she'd read the email so the stuff was just right there. She wanted to talk more and find out more but I just couldn't and didn't want to. I was mortified that she had found out - and about the way she had found out, which was far from ideal. And I was furious with myself for making such a mistake because I really didn't want her to know. It's something so incredibly private and personal and...mine...for me. When I pressed send and realised what she was going to see, it was honestly like the bottom of my world just dropped right out from underneath me in that moment. It still makes me feel absolutely sick to think about it. If email-gate hadn't happened that day, I probably still wouldn't have told her now.

This is probably a very hard, upsetting, painful, stressful time for both of you. Be gentle with yourselves and with each other - great that you have therapists to share this with. Wishing you both the very best.

 

[user27357]

So what you are saying @EveHarrington, is that my state at the time could have contributed to her suffering, but not to jump to conclusions because you don't know the dynamics of our relationship? You don't know what was going on, but don't rule out my possibly being at stress cup full at the time?
You are a piece of work. Good luck with your progress. No more advice needed please.

Thanks @barefoot. That was a lot of help, will be as this goes on further. You took some time for me and I appreciate a great amount of sharing you did there. Thanks.

 

[user27357]

If her previous support system didn't handle it well and she didn't get good counseling, that's sets the stage for not telling anyone else... it is not a memory many choose to discuss or maybe even feel they have the strength or ability to disclose. Memories are painful, shameful, and as for the flashbacks disclosure causes...the sleepless nights....the parts of memories intruding during the day.....jumpiness and anxiety....the reoccurring smells and visuals.....for these reasons and many more, I did choose to keep quiet and not tell the husband. It was not a risk I wanted to take.

This I get. thanks. she has been dealing with this by boxing up the attack and her lack of relying on her support groups at both times the attacks occurred in her life together because just dealing with it alone like it never happened has been her only successful coping mechanism basically her whole life. Her dad was her strength as a child, The kids and I are her support now, none of us knew about any of it. It wasn't because she didn't trust us, it was because she didn;t trust anyone, including herself.

Still hard for the"lets go kill someone" guy to get used to not having a reason to exist. It's hard for me, I solve problems for a living (in a mechanical field), I used to be a firefighter first responder and put out fires and put victims on helicopters and solve problems through willingness to do for others what they couldn't do for themselves. I want to solve this the only way i knew how, you are helping me see new ways to help.

I am home from work the rest of this week and we are going to start building a new future with a past that includes memories of this rape together and how we got past it. my part is to get over being unable to act on the ideas I had about this kind of thing up until it happened and to start acting on the new ideas I am working on now, as we move forward together. Thanks for sharing.

 

[TruthSeeker]

If you were in stress cup overflow/explosion mode at the time, she may have seen it as something...

With almost all rape comes shame. It is a dynamic of the event. With most trauma- comes shame. Rape is traumatizing. Shame binds us to the past- so we hide it. That’s my opinion and my experience having been raped myself. Never discount shame..... it is a powerful force- emotion within. It is hard to deal with and overcome.