Other I Saw My Family Last Night And I Panicked Like I Child

[scout86]

My therapist, in speaking of my biological family, keeps saying, "I wish you could just think of these people as 'interesting'." We have sort of a plan. I think of my mother as "just some wacko old lady who shows up in my life from time to time." Like any difficult little old lady who might live down the road. Your situation sounds worse than mine. (I live 5 hours away from them. This is the closest I've lived to them in YEARS. There's a reason for that! LOL) Thinking of them that way actually helps. It keeps me from getting sucked back into an earlier dynamic that isn't all that good. Still happens sometimes, but less often. This is an area where my T has been a lot of help. If things get too complicated, I can email him and he will suggest ideas and alternatives that I don't think of on my own. On one occasion, where there was a series of confusing and worrisome emails from my mom, I actually forwarded the email to him so he could read them and offer advice. In the end, to get her to quit, he flat out told me, "Tell her this." I quoted him word for word (she doesn't know I'm in therapy, she thought it was coming from me). That ended the situation.

Can you try to follow the "think of them as merely weirdly interesting" idea? They really aren't your family any more and it's not your fault you were born into that mess. It's not like you had a choice. You're an adult now. They can't make you do anything. They sound like people best avoided, to be sure. Maybe, if your paths cross, react as you would to anyone else you don't know and don't want to know. If they won't let it go at that, you actually COULD tell them to back off or you'll call the police. Just like you would with any other crazy person who accosted you on the street.

 

[GWhizz]

@scout86 they're definitely crazy people who would accost me in the street! But I'm not so sure I'd think of them as 'interesting'. Maybe confusing as I just can't understand them. Thank you for sharing this idea with me though - I'm glad you find it helpful. You're T sounds very helpful.

You're right I was born into it without choice. Do you ever see those bookmarks/magnets etc that say 'if family were like flowers I'd still pick you' - I can certainly say the opposite of this is true for me lol.

My T was away and said she'd contact me when she returned so that I knew I wasn't 'hassling her' as I always feel I'm annoying her if I seek her advice/support. I have 2 emails from her but I've been too afraid to open them to see her reply to my last email. I also stubbornly try to go it alone - wanting to know I can do it myself. I just don't like relying on anyone. I know it's silly but I only trust myself ultimately.

 

[scout86]

I honestly don't find my biological family "interesting" either. "Confusing" is much closer to my actual experience.

My mom, in particular, I tend to find scary, if I'm not paying attention. I've begun to realize that the "relationship" I had with her as an infant and a small child wasn't what the experts recommend. Once I got to school age, I think she pretty much ignored me, which was better. And I learned to stay out of her way. But, to this day, when she starts in on something, and I have no idea where she's coming from or what she wants, but I can tell she's upset, I tend to panic. What I "feel" is that there's a problem and I have to solve it and have to do that RIGHT NOW, or the world's going to come to an end, and I'd better get it "right". I'm piecing together that there probably actually WAS a time when, if I didn't come up with "the right solution" to what ever her problem was, things were going to get bad. The thing is, NOW, she's a fragile old lady who's actually very afraid of a lot of stuff. She still expects others to magically read her mind and fix what ever it is she wants fixed. (My T says that he suspects she usually doesn't know herself what the "problem" is. She just knows she's not happy and expects someone to do something about it.) So, when I've had to go visit (My dad, who I actually liked, was sick and recently died, so there have been reasons to make visits.) I've tried to look her like I was just meeting her. She's definitely not someone I'd chose to spend much time with, but I can see her as a fragile, difficult old lady, instead of some kind of monster. Being able to give myself that mental distance and objectivity doesn't change her (not much hope of that anyway), but it relieves my own fear, and moves my reactions to being based on present day circumstances. In my case, the fear is based on a situation that "was", not a situation that "is". That helps.

I don't especially like relying on others either. In this case, it's like I'm dealing with someone who speaks Martian and I desperately need a translator. My T is a great translator. I can't count the number of times I've said, "Wow, I never thought of it that way!" in response to something he's said. He says "that's why they pay him the big bucks." LOL There just seem to be a lot of blank spots in my knowledge and understanding of this stuff. He gets that (and doesn't seem to be put off by it, for some reason) and makes a sincere effort to help fill in the gaps. There's not a big risk involved, for me. I can always ignore him and he seems not to mind the questions.

 

[GWhizz]

@scout86 sorry to hear about your Dad.

My parents are only in their early 50's so I find it hard to consider them 'fragile' or 'old'. They're pretty dumbed down to life due to their self-exclusion for the social world outside of their house. I'm the only one who actually left and got myself together and have something of a life in the 'real world'. Sometimes I even question how I am related to them. I don't bear any resemblances or similarities whatsoever. I just wish I could forever avoid them. For years I planned to emigrate. But I decided to stop trying to run, it's only an attempt to escape it rather than deal with it for me. I have a decent life outside of them. But knowing the people that they are - there would be nothing from stopping them from trying to speak to me (probably to throw more abuse and allay more blame and shame onto me) and act as if I'm the one with the problem because 'who cuts off their parents?' or 'after all we did for you, this is how you repay us', along with the fact that I'm apparently a compulsive liar so who'd believe me anyway. This is why they get away with it, why they're free to walk around and still look down on me and continue the pretense that they never did anything abusive. Uugh it just sucks, I still long for a that family I'll never have. I know this is studied but it still leaves an emptiness. Like @Momofthree previously mentioned that they only see their family so their kids can have some contact. What do you tell your kids if you don't have that?

 

[scout86]

Yeah, your parents are a little younger than I am, from the sound of it. I'm not fragile or old so, by definition, no one younger than me can be either!

But, they sound like sad, messed up human beings. The important thing is, they don't have the absolute control over you now that they did when you were a kid. When you were a kid, you depended on them for the basic necessities of life. You don't need them for that anymore. You should have been able to depend on them for all the emotional stuff kids get from parents too (I'm a bit out of my depth on exactly what that is!). You more than likely didn't get what you should have, but you made it through anyway and are working on repairing the damages, You don't need them for any of that anymore either. They no longer how the power they once had. Unless you chose to give it to them.

What do you tell your kids if you don't have that?

I think you tell them the truth. An age appropriate version of the truth anyway. And the truth, in your case, is that their grandparents are troubled hurtful people who are better avoided. You would be protecting your kids by keeping a distance.

No one has a "right" to see their grandchildren, if they are a danger to them. There's nothing a kid is going to gain from growing up knowing unsupportive, erratic grandparents. When your kids get older, maybe they can have the chance to meet them and make up their own minds. To expose them to your parents when they are little seems to me a lot like making them sit down to watch pornography as some kind of family gathering.

"Family" can be a lot of things. The best "brother" I've ever had was a guy I met through the internet. I have a small and diverse "family" now and none of us are related by biology. "Family is the place where they 'have' to take you in, no matter what." Maybe it's the place where they WILL take you in, no matter what. But "family" is about love and relationships, not biology.

My T gave me a really weird homework assignment awhile back. He began by saying, "We can avail ourselves of resources we weren't born with." I have one, biological, younger brother. My T asked what I thought it would have been like to have older sisters. He created this pair of older sisters. A marine biologist and an astronaut. (He likes dolphins, so he started with "marine biologist who studies dolphins". I decided on an astronaut.) He said to use my imagination and create imaginary families and consider what I might have learned from growing up in those different scenarios. I have NO idea what the purpose was, but it was fun and kind of interesting. You might enjoy trying that too.

In your case, it might be kind of fun if, if your parents accosted you on the street someday, you DID call the police. Then told them you have NO idea who these people are or what they're talking about, could they please do something about it? How are the police going to know? You'd be calm and cool and rational. They'd be raving like lunatics. Might be fun?

I definitely feel for you! Myself, I've always lived where I wanted to live. It's just that where I wanted to live was "a long ways from my mom".

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks @scout86 I live by my honesty so I think telling children the truth is the best way. I could never say 'they're dead' or something anyway, as that'd blow up in my face probably. I'm actually reading a book 'the whole brain child' at the moment. It basically teaches you the balance of being nurturing to your child whilst also letting them understand things age appropriately. Rather than being overprotective by say withholding the truth or ignorant of their emotional needs by say giving them an icecream to distract them if they're upset or confused. Children need explanations. And yes I definitely agree that there is no benefit in exposing my child to them at this point.

The exercise your T gave you sounds pretty interesting. I guess it's natural that we all crave this 'family' no matter what. Even if it makes me feel stupid, I guess I have to at least remind myself that I'm not craving them, moreso grieving the loss of what they'll never be to me. I do thankfully have my own family now and my own life. I really like your definition about family having nothing to do with biology - thanks for that.