NotTooLate
Confident
This will be long and unedited. I just need to put this out into the universe. I don't expect anyone to actually read it.
Where to start?
My depression and anxiety became unbearable a couple of months ago so I finally decided to see if a counselor could help me figure out a couple of things. I had no intention of delving into my past and for the first month, all of the sessions were very superficial to current issues. After one particular session, something got triggered and I brought a whole list of things I wanted to get out to the next session. That list included the risky behaviors, promiscuity and rapes that occurred over 25 years ago during high school and college. The list lead us to talking about how I've always felt the rapes were my fault and that I should have never put myself in the situations. The session ended with a bunch of raw, open wounds and I was numb for a couple of days. A few days later I woke up at 4 am, wide awake with the need to write out a plethora of thoughts that were in my mind. That's when it all came spilling out. All of the things I've been trying to ignore for decades.
Timeline:
-My dad beat my mom while she was pregnant. I was born a month early.
-She stayed with him until I was 2. I don't really know anything about what that period was like. I only know that at one point, he was really physically sick and held her hostage with a rifle so she couldn't get away. I also know that he beat her and at least broke her nose.
-from 3-5: she worked a lot (waitressing) and my grandparents and an older woman took care of me while she worked. I'm not sure what else happened during that time, but I do know she hung out with a biker gang so there were undoubtedly some pretty wild times
-at age 5, I was sent to a different state to live with my aunt and uncle while my mom and her boyfriend set things up to eventually move there too. I'm not sure how long I lived with my aunt and uncle. Years later my mom told me that she sent me there b/c there was a hit out on her boyfriend because another gang member accused him of raping the gang member's sister. Despite that, my mom thought it was a good idea to stay with this guy and move with him to a different state to get away from the gang. At least she sent me somewhere safe for a while.
-age 5, my mom married that guy and she said he started beating her on their wedding night. He is who I call my dad.
-age 5-10, they were married and he beat her on a regular basis. He was an alcoholic and did a lot of drugs. My mom worked a lot and I was home alone or home with him a lot. He was usually nice to me and a textbook abuser to her. Beat the crap out of her, bought her gifts and told her it would never happen again. Repeat.
-she finally left him and then he stalked her, followed her everywhere, threatened any guy he saw her talk to, including her boss
-after a couple of years, he started dating (and abusing) another woman. They had a kid and got married. He continued to stalk my mom.
-mom started bringing guys home and had sex with them in the room next to mine. I heard everything.
-She was still working a lot and I was home alone late into the night most nights. Occasionally, her friends would bring her home completely shitfaced for me to take care of.
-She would get angry at me for being upset about the "boyfriends" and drinking- she deserves to have a life and to be happy
-she sent me to live with a different aunt and uncle for a summer when I was 11ish. I'm sure she thought it would be the best for me, but I didn't understand it at the time.
-another summer was spent at another aunt and uncle's when I was 16 because she couldn't deal with me. I had started acting out by then.
-during the years between 10 and 16, my dad continued to harass her. I don't know the details, but we packed up our house and moved in the middle of the night to live with a guy she had met in another state. It was terrifying. The only people who knew we were moving were my uncle and my best friend's mom who was the realtor selling our house.
-new state, new HS. Junior year was horrible and I ended up drinking all day, every day. Whatever alcohol I could get was poured into a Super Big Gulp cup and sipped on through the day at school. I skipped a lot, partied a lot and started having a lot of sex.
-moved to a different area and spent my senior year at another new school. Met a better crowd and managed to only drink at parties, but still partying, promiscuous and spiraling out of control.
-went to college b/c my mom made me since she never got to go. 5 years of partying, getting into massive debt, a few rapes, a few gang rapes and a lot of self hate.
-met a guy who somehow saw something good in me. He came into my life when I was exhausted and so completely broken, at rock bottom. He was nice and patient and wouldn't give up on me no matter how hard I pushed him. He still stands with me 25 years later. He saved me.
-After 7 years, I got my bachelor's and graduated on the honor roll thanks to 2 years of getting all A's thanks to my husband saving me from myself.
-years spent trying to be happy- why shouldn't I be? I have a great husband and our life is pretty good.
-years of never feeling good enough, years of underachieving, years of beating myself up, years of pushing people away, years of avoidance and isolating, years of depression and anxiety
-counseling sessions
-complex PTSD diagnosis
-today. Sitting here still thinking that it's all just an excuse and wondering why I can't just "get over it" or "snap out of it" and move on.
So, that's me. I'm new here, but not sure if I belong. Not sure if I'm willing to give myself an "excuse" of why I haven't been able to find true happiness and fulfillment after 49 years.
If you actually read this, thank you. I just had to get it out.
Where to start?
My depression and anxiety became unbearable a couple of months ago so I finally decided to see if a counselor could help me figure out a couple of things. I had no intention of delving into my past and for the first month, all of the sessions were very superficial to current issues. After one particular session, something got triggered and I brought a whole list of things I wanted to get out to the next session. That list included the risky behaviors, promiscuity and rapes that occurred over 25 years ago during high school and college. The list lead us to talking about how I've always felt the rapes were my fault and that I should have never put myself in the situations. The session ended with a bunch of raw, open wounds and I was numb for a couple of days. A few days later I woke up at 4 am, wide awake with the need to write out a plethora of thoughts that were in my mind. That's when it all came spilling out. All of the things I've been trying to ignore for decades.
Timeline:
-My dad beat my mom while she was pregnant. I was born a month early.
-She stayed with him until I was 2. I don't really know anything about what that period was like. I only know that at one point, he was really physically sick and held her hostage with a rifle so she couldn't get away. I also know that he beat her and at least broke her nose.
-from 3-5: she worked a lot (waitressing) and my grandparents and an older woman took care of me while she worked. I'm not sure what else happened during that time, but I do know she hung out with a biker gang so there were undoubtedly some pretty wild times
-at age 5, I was sent to a different state to live with my aunt and uncle while my mom and her boyfriend set things up to eventually move there too. I'm not sure how long I lived with my aunt and uncle. Years later my mom told me that she sent me there b/c there was a hit out on her boyfriend because another gang member accused him of raping the gang member's sister. Despite that, my mom thought it was a good idea to stay with this guy and move with him to a different state to get away from the gang. At least she sent me somewhere safe for a while.
-age 5, my mom married that guy and she said he started beating her on their wedding night. He is who I call my dad.
-age 5-10, they were married and he beat her on a regular basis. He was an alcoholic and did a lot of drugs. My mom worked a lot and I was home alone or home with him a lot. He was usually nice to me and a textbook abuser to her. Beat the crap out of her, bought her gifts and told her it would never happen again. Repeat.
-she finally left him and then he stalked her, followed her everywhere, threatened any guy he saw her talk to, including her boss
-after a couple of years, he started dating (and abusing) another woman. They had a kid and got married. He continued to stalk my mom.
-mom started bringing guys home and had sex with them in the room next to mine. I heard everything.
-She was still working a lot and I was home alone late into the night most nights. Occasionally, her friends would bring her home completely shitfaced for me to take care of.
-She would get angry at me for being upset about the "boyfriends" and drinking- she deserves to have a life and to be happy
-she sent me to live with a different aunt and uncle for a summer when I was 11ish. I'm sure she thought it would be the best for me, but I didn't understand it at the time.
-another summer was spent at another aunt and uncle's when I was 16 because she couldn't deal with me. I had started acting out by then.
-during the years between 10 and 16, my dad continued to harass her. I don't know the details, but we packed up our house and moved in the middle of the night to live with a guy she had met in another state. It was terrifying. The only people who knew we were moving were my uncle and my best friend's mom who was the realtor selling our house.
-new state, new HS. Junior year was horrible and I ended up drinking all day, every day. Whatever alcohol I could get was poured into a Super Big Gulp cup and sipped on through the day at school. I skipped a lot, partied a lot and started having a lot of sex.
-moved to a different area and spent my senior year at another new school. Met a better crowd and managed to only drink at parties, but still partying, promiscuous and spiraling out of control.
-went to college b/c my mom made me since she never got to go. 5 years of partying, getting into massive debt, a few rapes, a few gang rapes and a lot of self hate.
-met a guy who somehow saw something good in me. He came into my life when I was exhausted and so completely broken, at rock bottom. He was nice and patient and wouldn't give up on me no matter how hard I pushed him. He still stands with me 25 years later. He saved me.
-After 7 years, I got my bachelor's and graduated on the honor roll thanks to 2 years of getting all A's thanks to my husband saving me from myself.
-years spent trying to be happy- why shouldn't I be? I have a great husband and our life is pretty good.
-years of never feeling good enough, years of underachieving, years of beating myself up, years of pushing people away, years of avoidance and isolating, years of depression and anxiety
-counseling sessions
-complex PTSD diagnosis
-today. Sitting here still thinking that it's all just an excuse and wondering why I can't just "get over it" or "snap out of it" and move on.
So, that's me. I'm new here, but not sure if I belong. Not sure if I'm willing to give myself an "excuse" of why I haven't been able to find true happiness and fulfillment after 49 years.
If you actually read this, thank you. I just had to get it out.