I Wonder What Made Me This Way

[sun seeker]

Just be patient and stick with that weird edge of being open and not assigning meaning right away, but also knowing that what your body knows is real.

Yes. I'm focusing on that. The more I focus on it, the more I have this weird sensation I've had since the recovered memory, of needing to protect my hands and keep them close to my body. And shivering and feeling sick.

Why does this have to happen when my therapist is away for two weeks?!

I don't even talk about traumas I do remember much. It doesn't help me too much. On this forum I find myself talking more about symptoms.

That's what I've done mostly, too. I seem to be on a roll of needing to figure myself out right now though.

Sounds like maybe some of your triggers relate to early invalidation.

I think it's more that invalidation now takes me back to... something else I'm having trouble identifying. Invalidation, rejection, being ignored, etc., today, take me immediately to that state of feeling like I'm drowning, like being in a black hole filled with endless horror and not having the right to exist. It's a survival fear completely different from any fear of dying now as an adult. Because death is over in a moment, but this is fear of something that goes on forever and is unspeakably horrible. I don't have a story to go with this, that's what is so unsettling.

 

[Chava]

feeling like I'm drowning, like being in a black hole filled with endless horror and not having the right to exist. It's a survival fear completely different from any fear of dying now as an adult. Because death is over in a moment, but this is fear of something that goes on forever and is unspeakably horrible. I don't have a story to go with this, that's what is so unsettling.

Sounds like very early stuff. I ran through all the fight-flight reflexes in regard to adult trauma but they don't exist for newborns and babies. Death can come by simply being rejected, ignored, having your oxygen machine f*ck up or jiggle loose. The reflexes I experience are protecting myself in a little ball, giving myself oxygen (though I think that might be from later childhood), and lots of hand stuff too...like reaching for help (but all shaky and screwed up because I was also afraid of people).

I know you probably know this, but this stuff sorts itself out in its own way and time. If you trust your therapist and the therapy, just stick with it. You might never have a story-like story, but it will start to feel settled for you in a way that fits. I relate a lot to feeling invisible, feeling like I'm drowning or suffocating, and also feeling like I don't have the right to exist (that's been a really strong road block)...also feeling part dead or part unreal. Now I can't even pinpoint when or how that's changed. I'm not all better. But it's transforming.

 

[sun seeker]

I am still struggling with doubts about a recovered memory from early childhood, but it is hard to deny the reactions I have physically when I work on this stuff.

Rereading this, I have a question. Do you approach working on the memory by first going into the memory and then experiencing the sensations that come up, or the other way around, feeling whatever sensations are there and letting pieces of the story fall into place as they come to you? I don't know if that question makes sense. I've done a little of both and the results are different.

I hope your evening with your mother was not too stressful!

 

[sun seeker]

I know you probably know this, but this stuff sorts itself out in its own way and time. If you trust your therapist and the therapy, just stick with it. You might never have a story-like story, but it will start to feel settled for you in a way that fits.

It's always a bit of a shock for me to think about what I'm doing actually working. I've been working on myself for so long without much result that most of the time I don't think too far in the future. I just keep working at it because it feels better to do that than give up, but it's become more of a maintenance thing. Then once in a while someone will make a comment that shakes me out of my rut and makes me wonder if there's a possibility I might actually get better. :wideeyed: What would that be like?? Hard to imagine.

 

[shimmerz]

Do you approach working on the memory by first going into the memory and then experiencing the sensations that come up, or the other way around, feeling whatever sensations are there and letting pieces of the story fall into place as they come to you?

Sun, I let my physical state drive the rest. I focus on body changes (I have a foot that turns in when I am in one state), that keeps me 'in my body'. I attempt to correct the foot and I find that emotions or images pop up when I try to straighten that foot (for example). For me I is awareness of my body responses that drive the rest of the healing.

 

[Hope4Now]

Do you approach working on the memory by first going into the memory and then experiencing the sensations that come up, or the other way around, feeling whatever sensations are there and letting pieces of the story fall into place as they come to you? I don't know if that question makes sense. I've done a little of both and the results are different.

For me, everything "started" with the physical. Pain, primarily. Then something happened that released all sorts of other physical stuff...shaking, itching, twisting, etc. I spent a long time just "being" with the physical...a bit like the trauma release exercises you can watch on you tube. Over a period of months, some of the body movements began to articulate into defensive moves. Then some "memory" (if you could call it that) started. First in non-sensical fragments, then over time bits and pieces sort of wove together. Had dreams that obviously related. Parts of me still deny it. I think this is the core of my troubles.

Other "memories" are different. Bits and pieces that I remember "normally," but never made sense or never seemed traumatic, maybe because they were like from somebody else's life. Those I work with in a different way. Completely different experience, so I understand what you mean. But all of it actually comes back to the physical...trying to be in my body and perceive/conceive that I am one single person in the present, and that what I remember happened to me. That all my parts are part of one person. I have no idea if that makes sense.

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks, both of you. :) There are so many things I am thinking about this. Starting from the body, I get several weird sensations that are repeated so often they must mean something, but the images I get that go with them don't make sense (like a fist rammed down my throat - not possible!) I guess I have to let go of it all making sense and just be with it. Hard to do. Then there is one particular memory that came to me as an almost complete story first, and the physical sensations only later. That's the one I have the greatest struggle with because it began with the story. It's also the one I've had the most extreme physical reactions with when working on it.

I think later today when I have more time, I'll start a thread specifically on working with body memories, so it's on the home page and people notice it.

 

[shimmerz]

images I get that go with them don't make sense

Those images may morph.

like a fist rammed down my throat - not possible!

That one sounds more representational. It sounds like something incredibly invasive though. I notice you use the word 'rammed', and 'fist' not finger(s). That means something to me.

 

[sun seeker]

Yes, it's a sense of something violently thrust, something large and hard. And possibly that it comes from a time before I would have had words to describe it so my mind superimposed the first image that made sense of the feeling. It's so hard to just let it evolve and not jump to the first conclusion that comes to mind!

 

[shimmerz]

I think for myself of this type of 'memory', I would try to allow myself to believe it was authentic. I went through a process of having to 'know the story'. That was more to help me from feeling stark, raving mad. Once I had that faith in these images being, not necessarily exactly verbatim recollections but instead, a representation of the breach, I didn't have to focus on the minutia anymore. I learned that each of these memories had some semblance of truth. I didn't need to know the details, but it stopped me from putting energy into 'bashing' myself for thinking that I was making sheist up. I learned it was not made up.

 

[Chava]

I don't think too far in the future. I just keep working at it because it feels better to do that than give up

I don't think far ahead either. But I also don't feel like I'm going to die soon. I like the idea of keeping working at it because it feels better than giving up...that's so true. Even if I'm a mess but not totally giving up on myself, at least I feel a little more empowered.

I believe we can get better. I can't totally imagine that either...I can't imagine enjoying closer relationships because I just don't right now...stuff like that. But like the not feeling like I'm going to die thing, it seems like there is this transformation where we are better and don't realize it or know exactly when it happened. For me, that seems best. I can't wake up tomorrow and just be "better" because my whole reality would be f*cked up.

 

[shimmerz]

I can't wake up tomorrow and just be "better" because my whole reality would be f*cked up.

This is so very true. There is a reason this takes time.