Relationship I Would Like Some Imput Just To Put My Mind At Ease... Or To Tell Me I'm Wrong

[kacee129]

Some of you have read my other posts so if I'm repeating myself I apologize. My boyfriend is a PTSD sufferer. He will not get treatment for it. How it manifests itself is that he will have outbursts when he gets upset. You never know when. He gets upset over things that don't phase me in the least. But, I guess he is entitled to his own thing. He won't do or go anywhere with me other than to the bar, although we do go out to eat occasionally. And he actually just recently stopped calling everyone in the bar a red neck. He won't go to the zoo. He won't go shopping. He won't go "sightseeing". Not that I need to but he is new to this town and there are alot of interesting things to see and do. He won't go to my best friends home because she and her husband have 4 big dogs, although he is fine with my 2 small dogs. He won't do any outdoor activities like hiking or picnics because of bugs. My cousin and her husband were here for a visit last week. He was good with them here. Even went with us one day to look at houses. But the next day he didn't want to go anywhere with us. He is very very over weight and doesn't seem to care. He also has liver damage but doesn't care. Well, maybe I should rephrase that. He worries all the time about his health, just won't do anything about it.
He is afraid he is going to die, but then threatens to blow is head off. I'm sure you all get the picture.

So I have asked him to leave. He agreed. We separated once before and I let him come back because he promised to get help. He did make the appointment, but cancelled it when we had an argument. About 3 weeks ago when we agreed to part he said he needed to make some extra money to make the move. He only has a very small social security check. He has an Ebay business where he makes and sells costumes. He does fairly well, but not enough (in my opinion) to make up for all the stress it causes. So I've been waiting. He has been trying to drum up business with specials etc. And I have to say he has NOT had any outbursts...so it makes me think he can controll them. Anyway I asked him today about his plans to move. Evidently it is still in the works.

Now it comes to me. Am I being selfish and uncaring asking him to leave? If it wasn't for all the things he won't do he is really a nice person....as long as he is not having a tantrum I should say. I feel as if I am losing my mind. I want him gone, but I don't want him gone. I guess what I want is for him to be healthy, physically and mentally. But I also don't want to be the one to make demands.

I can see you all now just shaking your heads saying "when is she going to get it" - so sound off everyone.
I need to hear it!

 

[WillyKat]

Sorry you're having to deal with this. I don't have any answers, but I'm responding to clarify a couple of things.

You said that "he is entitled to his own thing." When a PTSD sufferer is triggered, the reactions are largely automatic and not something anybody would ever feel entitled to. If you know someone who screams at spiders or snakes, etc. it's like that, but a lot worse. It's often the case that the things that set us off don't phase others. Often? Let me rephrase that: usually. It's not a "tantrum."

I know you didn't mean to, but some people on this forum will be offended by language like that. It suggests a lack of understanding. PTSD is a tough thing to be afflicted with. It can be debilitating and it can be deadly. Suicide rates for us are a lot higher than for the general population. It requires that supporters know about the disorder and choose their words carefully. Words can hurt. I suggest you browse around for some of the articles on this forum and elsewhere to increase your understanding.

As much as we would all wish that making someone go to therapy would work, it rarely does. He's going to have to make that decision himself. There are a couple people in my life that I think should definitely go, but asking or forcing them...ain't gonna happen. Unless of course they are a threat to themselves or others, but then that's a whole different thing.

My advice is to tell him what you said here: that you want him to be healthy, physically and mentally. Tell him you care. And tell him that he needs to make a decision about where his life goes. Then hope he makes the right choice, because your choices depend on his.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I was one that chimed up in the past and I will again. You are not responsible for him. He is an adult and he can take care of himself. He can and will take care of himself when he is required to do so.

he is really a nice person

Read your first paragraph. This is not a nice person...this is a person who has moments of not being horrible. There is a difference.

I've said what I said and will not say it again. You know what you need to do.

 

[p-no]

One time, I got advice from a woman online about a guy I was seeing at the time. Her advice to me consisted of only one word:

RUN!!!

 

[DMerish]

Am I being selfish and uncaring asking him to leave?

Yes, and there's nothing wrong with you looking out, looking after, yourself first and foremost.

No, it doesn't seem so IMHO from what you've written above and previously.

 

[Mtnativecohome]

You should read my previous posts, it doesn't seem to get easier. Your lucky you don't have children. It's a roller coaster and you can't make him get better. You only have control over yourself.

 

[nursenurse]

I echo everyone else's sentiments here. By keeping him around after repeated promises to get help, then failure to do so, you are enabling him to persist with destructive behaviour that is ultimately hurtful to you. It will wear you down even more, and you will lose yourself. You are not selfish. You need to look after yourself first. Relationships should be uplifting in general, even with the pitfalls that occur naturally. Yours seems the opposite, down most of the time with a few bright spots. That isn't enough for a healthy, long term relationship. Move on without fear. You have done enough.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please don't tell your sufferer he is having "tantrums". It is a way of infantilizing his behavior----a huge put down if you will.

 

[lighterfighter]

Some of you have read my other posts so if I'm repeating myself I apologize. My boyfriend is a PTSD sufferer. He will not get treatment for it. How it manifests itself is that he will have outbursts when he gets upset. You never know when. He gets upset over things that don't phase me in the least. But, I guess he is entitled to his own thing. He won't do or go anywhere with me other than to the bar, although we do go out to eat occasionally. And he actually just recently stopped calling everyone in the bar a red neck. He won't go to the zoo. He won't go shopping. He won't go "sightseeing". Not that I need to but he is new to this town and there are alot of interesting things to see and do. He won't go to my best friends home because she and her husband have 4 big dogs, although he is fine with my 2 small dogs. He won't do any outdoor activities like hiking or picnics because of bugs. My cousin and her husband were here for a visit last week. He was good with them here. Even went with us one day to look at houses. But the next day he didn't want to go anywhere with us. He is very very over weight and doesn't seem to care. He also has liver damage but doesn't care. Well, maybe I should rephrase that. He worries all the time about his health, just won't do anything about it.

I think I'd agree with the other members regarding terminology. However, you have no way of knowing this, although it sounds like he's got a great deal of difficulty that some help would be in order-but you also cannot help someone who isn't ready to face some of these past things-the increase in "pain" is an initial shock when you enter therapy after trying for a while to make it on your own.

What I survived was a lot like combat, in what I've witnessed, but I also respect that I could potentially trigger some of the other members of this forum, however, I think that it's sounding a lot like his own anxiety over getting this treatment. Also remember the treatment in terms of medications, and so forth, they are often as bad as or worse than, the PTSD symptoms and the resulting disorders-Anxiety, etc- and the side effects can be unpleasant to say the least.

And that is pretty normal stuff. Thirteen years is a long time. I think maybe it sounds like it would not hurt for you also to have someone to talk to. It's a difficult time for you both. I hardly think I'm going to be qualified to "sound off" on anyone. I guess it doesn't seem fair. I will say if he's saying some of the hurtful things, it sounds sort of manipulative, and I think maybe you ought to consider whether or not you deserve better than hearing someone say that they haven't loved you for years, and it may be an attempt to push you away-I can't speak for your husband.

It's been said that we often teach others how to treat us. And sometimes in doing so, we need to remember than by not expecting better treatment, you may be reinforcing some of it. I honestly don't know you well enough, though, but of late, that's been the way I am trying to get out of some difficult family relationships of my own. My own family has been hypercritical, and downright abusive.

Not the same situation, I hope. They aren't hurting anyone physically, but I almost wonder if the other types of treatment-manipulation, insults, and so on, are almost worse than taking anything physically. Having my life threatened, however, the key word is almost.

 

[kacee129]

I apologize to all that I offended using the word tantrum. I don't think I ever used it with him. I think I have said melt down to him. But anything is possible I guess. Dealing with PTSD is not easy. I know that. I wish I could just wave a majic want and take all his pain and hurt away. But I can't. Yesterday I begged him one last time to get treatment. He emphatically said no.

He said they had put him on meds one time and he hated how they made him feel so he stopped taking them and never went back. Said he never will go back, won't take meds, won't go to group. He says he has accepted that the way he is is the way he will be and that he should live in a room by himself where it will not affect anyone else. Right now he is in the process of moving his belongings back to Vegas (I'm in Tucson) - he will be making 2 or 3 trips as he only has a car and can't afford a moving truck. So I'm watching him pack and my heart is breaking. I want to tell him to stay, but I know I can't.

 

[WillyKat]

I think you've done what you could. Maybe being on his own will change his outlook to the point where he makes a decision.

You don't know what you've got til its gone, so maybe he'll see things differently.

 

[Eleanor]

Kacee, you gave him a choice and he made it.

I can tell you that the best thing I ever did for my ex-husband was divorce him. It convinced him he needed help. He got it. He is a much happier and more emotionally stable person now. I hope that is how it works out for your guy.

Take care of your heart. Be gentle with yourself. You have done a difficult and necessary thing.

Now go heal the part of you that is attracted to such a broken person. That part of you is broken and needs healing too.