I Wouldn't Let My Husband Help Me

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have been thinking of this for days, trying to figure out how to word it and trying to understand my actions myself.

A couple of days ago there was ice in the parking lot of our apartment. I slipped and fell badly on the ice. I hurt my knee badly and I hurt my big toe. I am not even sure how but for days I was limping and was walking on the side of my foot becasue I couldn't put any pressure on my toe at all. It still hurts and it's still bruised.

When I fell I wouldn't let my husband help me up. Instead I got angry at him for helping me and I actually drug myself to the sidewalk. It was only about two feet but I literally had to drag myself using my arms.

I don't really understand why I wouldn't let him help me up. And not only that I got angry at him for trying. We talked about it afterwards and my husband thinks I wouldn't let him becasue I was embarrassed. I agree but added that it might also be becasue I am so used to just depending on myself.

I didn't have anyone to depend on when growing up and there was no routine in my childhood or teen years, when simple things like dinner wasn't always provided. So I think it's normal for me to just go back to that.

Even in my marriage that can happen but not extreme like my childhood. When you want to cook dinner, take out the trash or dust the house it doesn't mean your spouse always can help or wants to help. So I've learned that sometimes if I want things done, I must do them myself. I've also learned if I start my husband will often join in. Motivation I guess. And I find that to be normal.

My husband is a good guy; He is affectionate and provides a good living. He is very educated and provides me with the intellectual stimulation that I need. So when you take all these things together it's a loving marriage, with a safe home and support. So I guess what I mean is I have no reason not to trust him or depend on him.

So this seem to be all my own negative thinking style.

Thoughts anyone?

 

[HelenB]

For me I think this would be a natural response too and can relate so much to what you say about how about the way you learned as a child that you did have to depend on yourself. I also had a pretty chaotic home life where things like meals were not guaranteed and did learn very much that it was a weakness to not be able to cope and to need anything from anyone else. Even though I now too am in such a different place and have a husband who I know loves me so much and is safe, needing or wanting anything off him is very hard and it is very hard for me to not feel angry with myself when I do find things hard as I just feel so much like I should not be a victim and should just be able to cope and deal with it.

It's a bit of a crazy cycle really because for anyone else I can see totally why it is right that they do need others and do know it rationally in my head, but guess its another of those survival techniques which really did get me through and help me survive at the time, but long term when I am no longer in that same environment doesn't really so me much good.

I really do hope your foot is better soon and that you are able to also allow him to look after you as much as he is prepared in this time, as you do deserve it and being looked after at times really does not make you weak.

God bless
Helen

 

[ISupportHer]

I have seen this many times with my wife and it has been frustrating to me at times. My assessment on it has always been that perhaps any attempt to "help" gets seen as my trying to be controlling. And frankly, if I try to help too much then it could be seen as not giving her space. And it all can add up to my feeling like I walk on egg shells. This is all just my 2 cents about my view in my own situation as a supporter. I'm sure there are other influences too.

Two thoughts or comments. First, I see it as part of my role to have an awareness and not take it all personally. It's not. Second, things have been so much better here. I'm not really walking on egg shells any more. Not every person's situation can be compared "apples to apples" but with work and healing, some of this gets better as the PTSD gets better. Like the stress cup, but in reverse.

 

[jd9900]

Hey Ayesha, it's always a pleasure, first off. *hug* :) My first thought is that your independence practically demanded you do it yourself; and it goes back (almost always) to trust and faith. I bet as much as you were hurting, your husband's heart was breaking at the idea of wanting to help you yet not being able to. It's not anyone's fault, it is how we are wired. There is a reason we don't rely on others; it usually stems from the root of our fears.

I think what happened is you had an accident, and went into your fight or flight response mode. And who is the only person you have EVER been able to count on in your entire life? You. So you were probably like, "I've handled everything else I needed to, and trust just got me burned, I will handle this."

But now....he is in your life. And he wants to....I believe this at least....he wants to prove you wrong in a way. He wants to show you that he is the man you can trust. As hard as it was to get back up (literally) I bet it would have been even harder for you to reach your hand out and accept help.

Sometimes, the biggest impediment in our lives is ourselves. We refuse and scoff at the hand offered; it may be harder to do it alone, but we know that's how we have always done it, it is comfort zone in a way, but here is the thing....When has he ever let you down when you were in need? I can't answer that, but as a husband I know my entire world stops if my wife hurts in any way.

You may have to let him into that special, private, personal space a bit more in order to find the happiness I believe you want.

Lastly? It's always a pleasure chatting with you, please have a wonderful evening, and for no good reason go hug someone that loves you. you've earned it. :)

 

[jd9900]

(In other, quicker words - don't be too hard on yourself. Go give him a hug and most importantly, get better soon!) :)

 

[Ghostybear73]

I agree with the others, it does seem to be a normal response. It's been engraved in our minds since childhood that if we don't do it, it won't get done (whether it's cooking or getting ready for school). At some point you will open yourself up to allow his help, but until then keep the communication lines open.

I hope your knee is okay!!

 

[DMerish]

I'm pretty independent and nearly always had only myself to depend on also.

:confused: I actually wen through same thing last Thursday, only it was with my adult son.

I was walking down the front steps to his home. I had containers of food in each of my hands. It was dark and the two lower steps couldn't be seen. I said something like, "Wow, it's dark. Maybe I'll look online for some solar lights you can put them . . . " then down I went! I landed on the gravel walkway - my forearms took the brunt of the fall, ripped up my sweater, but the items I was carrying didn't even spill a little bit.

I was mad at myself for insisting on carrying something for my daughter-in-law out to her car (she didn't need me to do it). I was mad at myself for falling - I know better than to try to balance something, talk, and walk down dark steps at the same time :cautious: I was embarrassed. I was (inwardly) critical that my son had not addressed the problem beforehand. I felt, momentarily, that I couldn't trust him to help me, and that it would be best if I got myself up and not depend on him for balance/equilibrium.

 

[rightkindofme]

I fell when I was out running. I limped home about two miles because I wouldn't let my husband come get me.

I get it. :-\ I'm sorry you got hurt.

 

[radicalgratitude]

I don't know about you, but sometimes I revert back to an earlier age, like when I was going through the trauma, and the most random stuff will trigger it. Can you think back to how old you felt?

 

[Barconian]

Pride :)

 

[nursenurse]

Yup, pride, PTSD may have nothing to do with it. A few years ago I was hiking up a volcano that had blown several months earlier. I had my guide and my driver with me. Throughout the ascent were men and boys on horses, wanting me to ride one of their trusty steeds. No, said I. Made it up no problem, other than some huffing and puffing.

I had on proper hikers and carried walking poles. On the way down, both my feet scrambled on the scree, and I sat down really, really hard, lol. My guide who is a skinny young guy, and the driver, who was not skinny, both tried to help me, "Por favor, Senora." Well I was indignant and embarrassed, and yelled at them to leave me the hell alone, which they did, and I got to my feet. About 100 feet later, the right foot went straight ahead while the left leg folded completely at the knee, with my zaftig self right on top. There was an f-sharp heard around the world that day, and the boys just stood back. Until I yelled "Get me up NOW!!!!!" Not a single swashbuckler on horseback in sight. No PTSD here, but my guide has never forgotten :D

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I think what happened is you had an accident, and went into your fight or flight response mode. And who is the only person you have EVER been able to count on in your entire life? You.

This is so true, the fight or flight mechanism can kick in so easily. Trust is something we all as sufferers want others to earn. I find that I cannot give that kind of trust unless it is earned.

We as sufferers will always have the odd moment when the ones we trust we feel that we are pushing them away. We need to realise that this is what we inadvertently do from time to time.

Hugs xx