reducing relationships into transactions?
My T practices Transactional Analysis so I thought all relationships were full of transactions?
proof that the other isn't there?
Yes, this might be part of it.
investing in a relationship: it's not a constant 100%time thing
Helpful to remember. It’s not a block of perfection.
It just means they have SI.
It’s a nice thought but I don’t see how it could be neutral.
I would not love someone less is they had SI if I loved them already,
The phrase “if I loved them already” tells me that I need to be careful. This taps into the unworthiness feeling—a small part, I believe.
neither is the future of a relationship ever guaranteed
Helpful to remember, it is not a block of perfection.
I do think there is stigma and therefore shame around it. I
Yeah, I think so too.
I don't think it would help to worry a partner,
Agree. And this taps into the feelings of isolation, again which feels like a small part.
I hope you are able to find peace and self acceptance for yourself.
Thank you. As I reflect upon your wish for me I realize that I already experience peace and self acceptance nearly every day at some point. AND I also hear the SI thoughts.
When I reflect upon this split it leads me to my original question—how can I have both and still be authentic? They seem to cancel each other out? One of them is lying. I know it’s the SI. But it’s so incessant sometimes. I guess what’s weird is that when it does go away and I experience remission, there’s nothing that I’ve physically or willfully done—it just happens. Maybe it’s the recovery work that makes it go into remission sometimes. Why does it come back?
I think that’s part of my conundrum. Blaming myself for its presence.
a lot of unworthiness and self isolation thoughts that go along with this.
Yes, helpful to see that. So it’s a mix of things. Is it the SI itself that makes me untrustworthy? Or is the SI an outgrowth of feelings of unworthiness and self-isolation?
No, it seems that the SI triggers the feelings of unworthy and isolation. But what about the idea that
@Movingforward10 gave of looking for evidence that someone who cares actually doesn’t. Could that trigger the SI, in order to give myself a reason to feel disconnected?
And what about the idea that this distortion indicates that I don’t trust anyone since everyone has something like SI at one point or another?
I am aware that one of the most trustworthy students of mine has SI because they disclosed it to me. That didn’t change my view toward them except to soften my feelings toward them. But that’s different because there’s a power difference. I’m providing care unconditionally.
An adult intimate relationship has to be considered conditional in order to be healthy-ish in my mind. Each person is responsible for themselves and however much of their partner they want to take on. This is the part that is so confusing to me as someone who only experienced enmeshment and codependency in intimate relationships prior to recovery.
Regardless here I am, trying to figure out how to navigate this adult world in an adult mindset. I do agree that everyone is worthy of having their needs met. But some people exhibit behaviors that make it difficult to be intimate with them. My sense of unworthiness and self isolation is what opened me up to love-bombing by narcissists in the past.
In my head I think, “If only I didn’t have this SI I could find a way to connect intimately.” Before I started recovery and realized I had CPTSD from csa I felt the same way about my compulsive skin picking. “If only I could control myself with skin picking I wouldn’t be so unworthy.” The skin picking and other compulsive behaviors have been mostly shed to where they no longer feel shameful or impactful. The SI has changed and gone away sometimes and I can push it away or ignore sometimes.
I know they are “just thoughts” and not every thought has to be given attention. That puts me in a CBT-like position. Where I feel like I’m not trying hard enough. But the reduction in other compulsive behaviors didn’t come from any kind of forcing or alternate behaviors. It just happened on its own as a result of the work.
So maybe I’m getting impatient with this? I’m concerned that it won’t go away. Even though it has in the past. And I’m confused how I could be authentic if sometimes I feel acceptance and self-forgiveness but other times I feel SI. And I don’t believe anyone without SI would want to partner with someone who had it, which leads to the unworthiness.
This might sound arrogant or offensive but I don’t want to be in an intimate relationship with someone who has SI. And so the fact that I have it is a conflict for me, and blocks intimacy with myself. I imagine that in an intimate relationship I would want to see myself in a partner and vice versa. I wonder if I am being unrealistic about my expectations.
