Childhood If your abusive parent was abused worse than they abused you

[Tinyflame]

Abuse being so cyclical and often generational improvement is something but not often equal to health or the absence of abuse.

Idk but forgiveness to me is saying I forgive you, the person, not minimizing the actions. Then hopefully it's not my focus in the present nor excuse for my own future choices, no matter how impactful their behaviours may have been. We all have to be responsible for our choices, that is their responsibility too, whether they choose to or not. Life is long, I would hope to move forward without it defining my quality of life now, even if it's impacted my life. A bit of an uphill battle, the impact, sometimes. Defining, redefining and redefining again my perception of myself, others and the world/ life; trust, relationships, love, meaning. JMHO though.

 

[Weemie]

It helps to explain their behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. Many of my abusers were also involved in this shit as young children.

As a teenager and young child I abused others. Appetitive aggression in children is a documented phenomenon. It doesn't mean we don't have agency for our decisions. It does mean that it's OK to have compassion for that part of it, while still exercising boundaries.

Forgiveness doesn't mean we absolve people of responsibility and let them back into our lives to keep hurting us. It means that we acknowledge they're human, there's a reason for why it happened, and let go of the rage controlling us. We remove their power over us.

 

[Rose White]

@RainbowSearchParty thank you for describing that. Helpful and something that I might be able to try in some way. I think about how people say they had to forgive themselves or the forgiveness is for them. And the compassion thing I think might be related to something like mindfulness or meditation and a sense of compassion toward myself in the moment, then potentially sending that out to others which may or may not include people living within a mile radius of me. I know there’s a Buddhist word for that but I’m not really that into Buddhism though I don’t mind learning from it.

generational improvement

Def saw this happen. And I don’t know what happened to my grandpa. I think maybe he was just a random aberration of personality—maybe scarlet fever when he was a kid gave him brain damage—or the appetitive aggression thing from being wealthy and then being in university with Skinner and Kinsey who were kind of doing torture and manipulation because that was how science was in the 40s I guess they were all high off of the war and all the money and like—it kind of seemed to them like rich American scientists could do whatever they wanted so maybe he had that appetitive aggression.

Then my dad was like, maybe I can just f*ck with her while she’s a baby and it wouldn’t hurt no one. And then I spanked my kids while they were young and was like wtf am I doing. Generational improvement.

But it is confusing how my gpa got the evil inside him. And how he was so charming. Handsome devil syndrome. I do think that people just randomly get the Machiavellian traits and the society happens to support it—especially in the 30s and 40s with rich people I guess. Gpa avoided fighting in the war because he had asthma. So he was rich and spoiled and sickly as a kid. Entitled. And the psych program did not help anything. Psychology was a lot of human torture and manipulation for a while. So I think sadists were drawn to it.

Am very much rambling. Examining the roots.

Thank you @Weemie too about the not excusing it. Can’t take it in right now but I get it on the surface. I think explaining is kind of addictive to me but not sure where to go from there. Explaining holds off the random emotions and then I try to avoid them when the explaining ends.

 

[Movingforward10]

And then I spanked my kids while they were young and was like wtf am I doing

You did more than generational improvement. You didn't sexually abused your children. Spanking them isn't in the same category as what your grandpa did or your Dad did.
I also don't think your dad did generational improvement as he sexually abused you. Doing that to a baby or doing that to a slightly older child, it's not getting better the younger the child is.
I feel like you're bargaining with what happened to you and what your Dad chose to do to try and reduce it somehow?

 

[Midnightmoon]

But it is confusing how my gpa got the evil inside him. And how he was so charming. Handsome devil syndrome.

Abuse characteristics 101

I feel like you're bargaining with what happened to you and what your Dad chose to do to try and reduce it somehow?

Yeah, more nodding excessively going on this end.

It wasn't ok, it'll never be ok.

 

[Rose White]

Yes I might be doing that. I think in trying to understand I’m bargaining

 

[Teasel]

If you are curious about why you are bargaining, what kind of thing comes up? (Feel free NOT to think about this if it will set this all off for you again)

I mean, I know for years and years I was in such denial about everything that happened. Couldn't bear to let my attention get anywhere near the topic, do it makes sense not wanting to accept it.

 

[Rose White]

If you are curious about why you are bargaining, what kind of thing comes up?

Not sure what you mean, can you rephrase the question?