It's been about 4 mo.'s since I've posted here in this thread. Tonight I am most thankful for sudden, unexpected change, many peaceful feelings, strength, decision and the power to choose and motivate. I can only call it a gift, and though much hoped for, none-the-less, unexpected!
This last week and most especially these last few days I have been allowed once again to really bond with and deeply enjoy my children. It has looked like:
Backyard, bubbles, Scooters, Boulevard, Ocean, Affection, Parks, Picnic, Games, Many giggles & laughs, Playgrounds, Vanilla shakes, Onion rings, Historical sites, Ball & Frisbee; Again, all a sudden unexpected gift received. I can only hope this fun and well spent time continues throughout my children's vacation.
I do hesitate to say anything about such good times, still bc of pers. fears.
When growing up, my family around me, often..., far too often..., made hateful statements, gave disturbing looks and made belittling, sarcastic, confusing comments and then soon afterwards walked away, or they'd just look at me, while staring and saying nothing (as if through me), and I'd sometimes wonder if I were even real; These times here which I've mentioned, were all in response to good times, good feelings and/or success of any kind. So you, could say, I can still fear and feel afraid of letting others know I am feeling or doing fairly well.
My husband is not only feeling better lately, but he's being more thoughtful and showing more self-control and this is all greatly, all-around helpful.
And, I've been learning how to better stand up in the face of loved ones difficulties, and without being dragged or taken down. I'm maintaining hope despite sometime difficult realities.
Today on our way back from our day trip out, I found myself traveling some of the same streets in which directly relate themselves to a rape of me back many yrs. ago. In fact, I believe I drove right past that house and the memories returned, ...visuals, and they were unpleasant. ....All those memories, and today's feelings were those of sadness and greif, but they were clearly manageable. What it felt like was my heart being held and wrung, yet still manageable. The bit of confusion was this: I still don't understand why?
Anyhow, a few hrs. back, the arm of my eyeglasses simply snapped off, and so here I sit, ....funny.... crookedly balancing and resting my glasses on the bridge of my nose. Tommorrow's another vacation day and if I'm unable to get my eyeglases fixed, you can count on the fact I'll be out and about with crooked, broken glasses. Hope to be continuing to enjoy this vacation. One chief requirement, sleep, without it or enough of it, I can be a bear. But, I've found hope in this much lately, as I've been getting some great sleep.
Tonight I'm feeling: grateful, some sadness, some heartache, enthusiasm, hope, much peace, pleasure and joy.
