Yesterday, and again today went really well.
In the last few days, I've been experiencing these really cool positives. It's like Wow! ,,, this feels great to live; I'm so damn' pleased that I didn't die in previous years. The trauma, my PTSD, and my alcoholism did not win, to do me in....... and, thank God! I feel so happy to be alive, and the beauty of this is these feelings are not based upon everything being well or going my way. In fact, there is a lot of realities that I accept, which I'd change if I could.
I'm not even sure how to put these positives into words. I know today when I had told my husband that I shouldn't go with him and the kids out to enjoy the boat rides, because perhaps I'd get queasy, worn-out and sick-and-all, that I believed what I was telling myself and him.
Then 10 min. after he and the kids were out the door, I made a phone call quickly to reverse my decision; I wanted badly to go along and for all of us to enjoy; This had been too many times, unlike me and for a little too long. (Not always, but to much to often).
When I can get time alone, I've tended to withdraw and isolate in my thoughts; It doesn't matter if I'm working my butt off or accomplishing much needed chores, I'm isolating and I've too often, for a few yrs. now, preferred it this way, because I've been afraid of wearing myself and/or being worn-out and reaching my edge, while in the presence of others;
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I've been afraid also, of a list of negatives.
Examples:
• Have been afraid, my prescence along will not be appreciated and doesn't make a difference; It will not be missed.
............Wrong! In fact, my prescence along is appreciated, (when I'm not so, so damn sick, irritable and miserable, blaming my husband for not accomodating me in my desperate need.)
Then: "Can't he see how I need him to understand."
A lot lately: Me just thinking & knowing that I know just what to do to take care of myself;
Along with: Bye, bye to control and hello to surrender and acceptance.
And, Bye, bye with my bullsh't of making demands upon my husband and hello to simply Asking and accepting the No's as gracefully as the Yes's and without redoubling my efforts to get my way.
My presence can and does make a big positive difference and I missed by both my husband and kids, when I don't come along!
• Have been afraid, that I am being selfish and bad if I seek or share in any enjoyment.
............Wrong! In fact, I'm more likely being selfish and bad when I exclude myself, do not allow myself permissions to enjoy life, position myself as a martyr, overwork and/or treat my all-around health neglectfully or poorly; I will not live to be there for my husband and kids for as long as I could otherwise, if I am to keep those crippling patterns up. And, in relation to my eye condition and its primary condition, perhaps I'd live but the quality of life highly restricted.
I deserve to breath, to take up space, to enjoy life along with others too. I am alive and welcomed to enjoy a good life, as much and now more, as I've been welcomed to enjoy a miserable one.
• Have been afraid, that I must do everything just right and create perfect control over my husband's influence, as I've been afraid of his influence in certain things.
............Wrong! In fact, I've helped too, in creating more tensions and conflicts for our family then ever would have been created, if I had been honest in my admissions that I am not in control of people, places and things, nor never have been; I've had it all backwards.......while trying to control people, places and things and expecting others to take charge and control of me.
I am allowed to make mistakes and not be perfect. Just as I have often allowed others to make mistakes without being overly critical, or judgemental at all, I too can afford my closest loved ones the same.
• Have been afraid, of raging.
............No more reason to be afraid of this, so long as I'm willing to do certain things and maintain a certain attitude! In fact, so much of any raging has resulted from me setting unreasonably high expectations upon myself and requiring that I live up to these; So much of any raging has resulted from me thinking selfishly and wanting more and more of one thing or the other and not being grateful for what I do have; So much of any raging results from me demanding that my husband understand me and not giving two-sh'ts as to whether I understand him or not (when symptomatic with PTSD). And, so much of my raging results from my lack of honesty with self and self-discipline, and/or pride-run-riot and then consequential poor, failing health.
When I pull together all aspects of what I am learning about healing the past and managing my PTSD, and then I draw upon this and put it into action, ...(add in life's lessons)... I simply do not rage, and have little irrational, to nothing at all to fear.
Sh't I am awfully tired now at this hour.
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After me considering my husband and our kids, and getting honest with myself about all of my excuse initially being mine and it chiefly being motivated by my fears, I then did reverse my decision to go along and enjoy and just in minutes time. The result of this was both wonderful and astounding and gee' what another great day.
Last night I was part of a different community event, and earlier yesterday amusement rides, omg, ....and today a wonderful time.
And, the highlights of it all was with well-being and some happiness within myself, peacefulness and prescence, I was able, willing and desiring to share me with my family, once again ............and so I did.
What a bunch of great gifts, .............that perserverence, acceptance of things beyond my control, my daily management of PTSD and life has in store.
And, I'm going to fall face first again, and I know this, but damn' I'm not going to focus on the negative while denying and overlooking the many positives that working on and personally healing from trauma(s) has in store.
Hope
