I'm sliding and don't know how to reverse

[Smallhold]

Between the physical pain, the PTSD and the recent developments, I'm sliding down. I'm fighting it as hard as I can but the darker thoughts keep getting stronger. I don't want this but the attraction is becoming more and more real.

It'd hurt my son beyond anything. Let alone the practical solutions. We live in a rented house and he'd have to move out. While he has to study at least another 4 years at uni so it'd mess up his life in every way possible.

Still I'm sliding in the wrong direction and have no safety net to fall back on.

I told a good friend of mine this week for the first time about my PTSD and what it is all about. She barely reacted, guess it was too much for her. But no help from that side either.

Suggestions and tips much appreciated cos right now I'm clinging on and about to lose grip.

 

[712xx]

Wish I could help you Smallhold. I'm in the same leaky boat as you -- sinking. I'd give you my life if it helped save yours if I could. You're not by yourself though; hang in there. Something might come along and be the perfect thing that fixes things when you least expect it.

In the mean time, ... :cautious: let's gang up on time so it isn't so mean.
--{@

 

[Smallhold]

Thank you 712xx, for a few months I had found that good thing that made it all bearable. In spite of all that was going on, this gave me light in my days.

Now that is gone, the darkness seems a lot darker with no hope of ever getting to the good thing again.

I've existed, not lived, merely existed most of my life. Of which the last 11 years single by my own wish cos I needed to work on myself and couldn't bear another emotional turmoil. Up until a few months ago someone came through my defenses for all the right reasons and I willingly invited him in. And it wasn't easy but it was the right thing. Both my beloved and me knew it was either him/me and after this we could not try and go through this again. Not at our time of life. Not with our mutual histories.

Now I realize what lies ahead is an existence without being loved and being able to give love, being held, being comforted, much physical and mental pain. Life alone, in the shadows and my demons tormenting me.

Doesn't really seem worth it does it?

 

[712xx]

Never say never Smallhold. If you believe it to be true, you might fulfill your own prophecy by not putting yourself in situations where you can receive and find the things you so very much want. Take time to heal, and grieve ... then find a purpose driven life. Things may fall into place; nature has a funny way of doing that sometimes. On the wind, the the legs of insects, float tiny pollen grains to get to their flowering mate. That doesn't happen by accident. It is nature. Spring is here, and you need to be in the right places to receive what you want. ;)Could even be here. It is always worth something to spend effort on the things you want most.

Ever read the butterfly story?

There was a cocoon nestled on a tree branch, under the shade of a leaf. A small child walked by and noticed it, and watched it for a few minutes. Right as she was about to walk away, the cocoon began moving. The child was so excited, there was a butterfly about to come out! The well meaning child tried to help it along by tearing a small part of the cocoon open to make it easier for the butterfly.

Unfortunately, when the butterfly emerged, its wings were partly whithered, and was unable to fly. You see, when a butterfly is ready to come out of its cocoon, it must struggle and stretch and fight against the walls in order to push the blood and fluids out into its wings so they can be strong and firm.

It is the struggle that makes its wings so beautiful and strong.