I'm stuck and I feel like I'll never change.

[SeekingAfrica]

I am so depressed today about the state of my life right now. And the worst part is the growing list of important things that have been piling up in the last couple months when I was in too bad state to do anything about them. Now I maybe unable to do anything about most of them for another 10 days-2weeks and the thought makes me feel so horrible that I started to feel like every hour passing by in which I can't change those things is hurting me. It's so painful that it's starting to make everything else seem useless. I'm having slightly more balance and ability to resist depression on the new meds*(hopefully will get even better), but it is hard to fight those thoughts when I feel I can't change anything for 2 weeks other than just pass the days(try to do the regular things-cleaning, work, dance, etc.). Because it makes me feel like I have nothing to look for during these 2 weeks, and now that I'm slightly better, drowning this feeling in watching TV shows is getting really old really fast. I want to do better. But there are parts of me, a lot of me, that are NOT better. And it seems like everything is useless until X event happens and I can do something about those todo lists.

And then there is also this dread in me. Dread because it's colder and darker by the day and it makes my mood even lower when I have to work on yellow light from the morning. Dread because my computer is overheating so much that I have to rest it for an hour to be able to work for the next few hours, but I can't bring it to repair until December. Dread because November is almost over, I haven't planned December yet, and the way I feel this week, if this continues, I may not be able to plan for December before it actually comes. And then I'll get too overwhelmed because a LOT of important things are happening than. So starting the most busy month of the year with a super long todo list for what I didn't manage in the past 2 months of the fall is a really bad precedent for that month. And when I am dreading something, but I can't do anything about it, it quickly starts to make everything else seem pointless. Plus I can't find anything I'm excited about soon at all:(. And then on top of it, I tried writing this thread 3 times, I write a lot and then scrap it. Somehow it's hard to explain how awful I feel literally for very little reason. And the lower I feel, the lower my barriers get, my barriers for not doing stupid things, not doing harmful things, not spending all day in bed...I just...I feel awful and I just need this to pass. I can make a list of distractions to this easily, but right now everything feels off and useless.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I really hate to hear you are feeling this slow @SeekingAfrica . I wish I had magical words that would help you out of these feelings and situations. You say you are on new meds so that can for sure takes a while to help.

I'm just coming out of a bad place and was overwhelmed with the pile of things that I hadn't been able to accomplish. Getting them down on paper or in my case dry erase board helped prevent my mind from swimming in a soup of the unknown. Not sure if this helps but I related to much of what you wrote.

I also made myself get out of the house to commune with nature. Not sure if your weather is permitting?

You can do this, glad you reached out a bit. It's so easy in times like these to isolate.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I really hate to hear you are feeling this slow @SeekingAfrica . I wish I had magical words that would help you out of these feelings and situations. You say you are on new meds so that can for sure takes a while to help.

I'm just coming out of a bad place and was overwhelmed with the pile of things that I hadn't been able to accomplish. Getting them down on paper or in my case dry erase board helped prevent my mind from swimming in a soup of the unknown. Not sure if this helps but I related to much of what you wrote.

Thank you so much! I am trying. The meds are doing something, because for months I haven't been able to work for more than 20 min at a time, because of anxiety. And lately I find myself working for a full hour before feeling the need to check email, take a break or anything similar. But yes, it's still in the early stages of those meds so I suppose it will take time for all the effects.

I do have very nice planner set up, and that does help. But with the list of things I've postponed because of my health these months, I already have them written down and that took some pressure off in the moment. But overall I am still worried about getting these done, and most of them are things that would overwhelm me if I did all of them in a day, so I need to deal with one per day or something. They are all sort of...errands, or administration, or home tasks that need few subtasks. Ugh. I suppose I'll have to dive into them eventually.

I am mildly satisfied with my attitude today though(again, probably the meds benefit). Usually when I have this kind of day I sleep, watch TV and generally happily slip away from reality. I just can't deal. But now watching TV wasn't doing anything for me, I didn't feel sleepy (finally getting sleep after a year of being fatigued all the time!) and so I sat down and did couple hours of working. And I had the ability to concentrate, even though I felt so awfully depressed! Something is changing, and...I don't know, that gives me some hope. I don't know if it will last because I have a hard week ahead of me, but I will enjoy this while it lasts.

 

[pam4him]

I am so depressed today about the state of my life right now. And the worst part is the growing list of important things that have been piling up in the last couple months when I was in too bad state to do anything about them. Now I maybe unable to do anything about most of them for another 10 days-2weeks and the thought makes me feel so horrible that I started to feel like every hour passing by in which I can't change those things is hurting me. It's so painful that it's starting to make everything else seem useless. I'm having slightly more balance and ability to resist depression on the new meds*(hopefully will get even better), but it is hard to fight those thoughts when I feel I can't change anything for 2 weeks other than just pass the days(try to do the regular things-cleaning, work, dance, etc.). Because it makes me feel like I have nothing to look for during these 2 weeks, and now that I'm slightly better, drowning this feeling in watching TV shows is getting really old really fast. I want to do better. But there are parts of me, a lot of me, that are NOT better. And it seems like everything is useless until X event happens and I can do something about those todo lists.

And then there is also this dread in me. Dread because it's colder and darker by the day and it makes my mood even lower when I have to work on yellow light from the morning. Dread because my computer is overheating so much that I have to rest it for an hour to be able to work for the next few hours, but I can't bring it to repair until December. Dread because November is almost over, I haven't planned December yet, and the way I feel this week, if this continues, I may not be able to plan for December before it actually comes. And then I'll get too overwhelmed because a LOT of important things are happening than. So starting the most busy month of the year with a super long todo list for what I didn't manage in the past 2 months of the fall is a really bad precedent for that month. And when I am dreading something, but I can't do anything about it, it quickly starts to make everything else seem pointless. Plus I can't find anything I'm excited about soon at all:(. And then on top of it, I tried writing this thread 3 times, I write a lot and then scrap it. Somehow it's hard to explain how awful I feel literally for very little reason. And the lower I feel, the lower my barriers get, my barriers for not doing stupid things, not doing harmful things, not spending all day in bed...I just...I feel awful and I just need this to pass. I can make a list of distractions to this easily, but right now everything feels off and useless.

I'm glad the meds seem to be having some effect. I know it can seem a mountain to high to climb when things get behind, but you just have to "eat the elephant" one bite at a time (IE. Tackle things as you can). The upside is that during the wait, the meds should become more effective. This can allow you to do your planning. Try to look at the todo list not as overwhelming, but as goals to accomplish, then break them down into smaller tasks. As you complete those tasks, before long you are accomplishing goals. I hope this offers some help and hope. Prayers for peace, wisdom and strength to keep moving forward.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm glad the meds seem to be having some effect. I know it can seem a mountain to high to climb when things get behind, but you just have to "eat the elephant" one bite at a time (IE. Tackle things as you can). The upside is that during the wait, the meds should become more effective. This can allow you to do your planning. Try to look at the todo list not as overwhelming, but as goals to accomplish, then break them down into smaller tasks. As you complete those tasks, before long you are accomplishing goals. I hope this offers some help and hope. Prayers for peace, wisdom and strength to keep moving forward.

I love that saying with the elephant, I've heard it before. I feel a bit better today, I'll try to do that. Being behind on things and feeling guilty and embarrassed about it usually brings out the worst in me, but I will try to do differently. Better. I'm sure there will be other bad days, that's why I'm here, but I will try to do better on the good days.

 

[MyWillow]

Oh my but this is exactly what I was feeling and saying during my equine T session yesterday...they are a way of balancing out my weekly psydoc sessions which are a killer.

My T’s suggestion (for the billionth time, bless her) is to simply soften my language. Because my feelings are genuine. So instead of saying “I’m sick of my whole life being on hold” I can acknowledge that “my life is at about 60%” I was kinda stunned when she added “because if YOUR life is on hold, everyone else is going backwards.”

Take care. Little steps forward and back are ok.