Improved Communication

[UniqueSunflower]

My boyfriend & I experienced our first major argument yesterday. I knew he was a PTSD sufferer going into the relationship & vice versa. Something triggered him yesterday morning & I ended up removing myself from the situation when I felt we needed to take a break from the heated topic. Normally I try to hash stuff out in the moment but it felt like we were both on edge & talking in circles. Later in the day, our conflict intensified w/ a defensive attack from him, some things of which he said by phone were very hurtful. Rather than responding w/ reactivity, I tried to acknowledge his words while standing my ground. I set boundaries in a way I hadn't before when I've felt verbally assaulted in a relationship & let him know his reaction didn't feel acceptable to me. Granted this was a phone conversation & my response may have been different should we have been in person. I also understand it isn't always safe to assert yourself w/ certain individuals depending on their mindset. I feel like the experience allowed us to have dialogue about how we can communicate more effectively moving forward (this being after things had settled). The experience felt exhausting but at the same time a growth opportunity for both (I hope) ☺

 

[Tabbycat925]

Super proud of you for setting boundaries and standing up for yourself but definitely retouch the topic and discuss what went wrong together. Try to understand each other's reactions and remember not to put too much pressure on each other. It's both a blessing and a curse that you both have similar disorders. You can understand each other but sometimes the behaviors caused by ptsd can also cause a lot of strain on the relationship. Remember that both of your feelings are important and sometimes taking a moment to catch your breath and ground yourself is completely ok.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

Super proud of you for setting boundaries and standing up for yourself but definitely retouch the t...

Thank you Tabby Cat. You're right in that a relationship w/ 2 sufferers is a blessing and a curse. Throughout my life it seems I'm attracted to others w/ some form of PTSD. The more I've come to understand the effects of trauma & attempting to move through it, I've recognized the need to accept people where they're at. It's so much easier said than done. In the case of this relationship, I see how we are at different stages of recovery. There's a part of me that is willing to accept that and work w/ it though another part of me recognizes the relationship can only go so far in meeting both of our needs. It feels like w/ this disorder, you're always needing to evaluate & negotiate especially when things like stressful jobs & life stressors are also constants.

 

[Tabbycat925]

Thank you Tabby Cat. You're right in that a relationship w/ 2 sufferers is a blessing and a cur...

I was with another sufferer as you call it when I was younger. His ptsd was from a far different trauma and he was at a different stage as well. sadly our relationship didn't last long at all. we are still very close friends but we understood that our different types of trauma caused our triggers to be counter productive to a healthy relationship. we could never give what the other needed in other words. make sure that you are both able to do that. one person taking care of the other isn't a healthy relationship. it's wonderful that you bond through the disorder but it's also very important to remember that you can also give what is needed for the relationship to work. That's with any relationship too not just this particular case. Can you provide the emotional and sometimes physical needs that your partner needs in order to feel safe and loved within the relationship? If the answer is yes then you should be fine.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

Hi Tabbycat,
It appears this relationship has desolved for the time being. I'm not sure if I've just been through this so many times that I'm not able to feel the emotional effects or if there will be the infamous delayed response :(. I do know that we parted ways as amicably as possible seeing that we came to the realization that emotional flair ups were happening more often than they should've been. I'll still see him at my place of employment. I'm hoping we can maintain our professionalism which hasn't been an issue up to this point. The main concern I have is that there were recent circumstances where I felt I was being emotionally manipulated and gaslighted which is the last thing I need after a history of being involved with abusive men. I think the most disappointing aspect of it is that it's yet happened again in my long string of relationships. He initially presented himself as being self confident despite having weight control issues and this confidence is part of what I was attracted to though as I got to know him, it became evident he had deeper self esteem issues than I'd thought. I feel for him though recognize I can't compromise my own sense of well being because of empathy. However, the empathic part of me enabled me to communicated in a heartfelt way that we needed to terminate the relationship rather than getting into a power struggle which I know could've been disastrous. Thank you for your support as I struggled with this short lived relationship.