Intro--reaper Operator

[Jimmy1]

One thing I forgot to bring up which i feel is important is that I am sick of "faking normal". I saw that description somewhere and latched onto it because that is exactly how i feel. I don't want to be the center of attention, the limfac, the weak link, the guy to keep an eye on....but f**k, I'm just tired of trying to hide and suppress my issues.

Hey Wally, it was probably a thread of mine. The whole idea of pretending you are normal or faking normal is not for anyone else's benefit. Right now I am probably in the worst state of mind and body since I was first diagnosed, but if I wallow in it, it would mean my symptoms would stay the way I am and I would not be able to get back on my perch, so to speak. I used to hide the fact that I have PTSD and when people asked me why I was not at work I blamed it on my back or shoulders, or knee's, or every other part of my body. I was ashamed that I had PTSD because it is an invisible injury, well that has changed.

I am going to apologise now for the next part, but helping others might help me a bit.

One of the criteria in the DSM V or Psych Bible is this.

Criterion D: negative alterations in cognitions and mood

Negative alterations in cognitions and mood that began or worsened after the traumatic event: (two required):
1. Inability to recall key features of the traumatic event (usually dis-associative amnesia; not due to head injury, alcohol, or drugs).
2. Persistent (and often distorted) negative beliefs and expectations about oneself or the world (e.g., "I am bad," "The world is completely dangerous").
3. Persistent distorted blame of self or others for causing the traumatic event or for resulting consequences.
4. Persistent negative trauma-related emotions (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).
5. Markedly diminished interest in (pre-traumatic) significant activities.
6. Feeling alienated from others (e.g., detachment or estrangement).
7. Constricted affect: persistent inability to experience positive emotions.

Anthony the bloke who started and manages this site told me once that if anyone asks what is the matter with me to just tell them nothing, unless they are close to me, or say something sarcastic.

Don't ever hide your PTSD, but you can fake your feelings and symptoms, or it will keep you down. I wake up every morning of late dreading getting out of bed, but I have to change that thought or else I will have a shit day.
I too can get agoraphobic, but why should this beast win. Now I am to the stage where I can go to any shopping mall, most days (except Christmas), and the days I feel real bad, I stay home. Another option is to get yourself a service dog.

Another way is to go to a gym and work out. It's great to fight depression, you know the whole healthy body, healthy mind thing and most people that go to the gym have the same mind set.

Lastly, if there are any family or friends that belittle you for having PTSD or have the attitude that you are not sick, the lose their number and tell them they are not welcome. You don't need them in your life.

All this is just my opinion mate.

Stay safe.

Jimmy

 

[LIllabeth]

This poem has helped me deal with those who walked away when they learned that I had a combat stress injury.... May sound like nonsense at first but there is wisdom there...

Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

 

[LIllabeth]

And if that fail to bring me peace, I fall back on more conventional wisdom

 

[LIllabeth]

I know I just posted a silly pic but your comment about "faking normal" has been picking at the back of my mind since I read it and now I know why....... Does this pic make sense to you Wally, because it is how I feel most days.

 

[Grizzly]

@LIllabeth & @Wally3430

I believe that last illustration represents a lot of us. Me, I am consistently trying to portray a happy person. Only because I tire of trying to explain what I'm thinking or have going on in my head. It's easier to fake it...for a while.

My T recognizes this. My kids recognize this. You can't fool everyone it seems. One day I know I will be able to be able to smile more at things. To have fun without anxiety. To move from point A to B without fear / hyper vigilance. One day.

 

[dutchiedelta]

Welcome Wally.

 

[LIllabeth]

@Grizzly everyday I get out of bed and put on my "old me" suit because my family needs that and it helps to not look like a person shaped black doom cloud. It is the most draining thing I have ever done but I still believe it is important - they are just teenagers and a toddler who need their mom Maybe, if I wear it enough, it will fit perfectly again and not feel like is an extra layer of black gunk between me and myself

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Welcome to the forum Wally....I sometimes need to take a break from the Introductions.........I am one of the old Nam Farts and I see all the new PTSD replacements coming, it's a tad hard for me at times. As I have been dealing with the Beast (as we call it) for over 40 years.....You younger guys and gals that come here have found the best place to be. Things are a hell of a lot better today, than what we had 40 some years ago in dealing with the Beast......It's been said, read what is on this forum, watch the videos, learn as much as you can about the Beast and how others have learned how to deal with it. If you do that, you can have a better life down the road......REMEMBER: Never ever give up and never quit, you can and will make it....One small step at a time......

J R

 

[atilla]

Welcome home wally. Great people, and great advice here Brother. Only place I know of where everyone is tracking. Were all on the same mission here. One day at a time..

 

[mrhyde]

Welcome to the house, I refer to the site this way because everyone has undergone a lot of similar issues be it from afar or up close and in person. I have been able to use the advice on here on more than one occasion. As we would say there are good people here.

 

[Sludge]

Hi all. I'm a USAF MQ-9 Reaper sensor operator/16 years/E-8. Supported the fight from Creech AFB and physical deployment twice to Kandahar. First of all, I want to ensure I don't take ANYTHING away from those of you who have seen the face of war up close and personal outside the wire. I can't imagine how you deal with some of the things you're required to go thru. So..my hats off to you. Having said that, I've had to deal with my own issues from operating from my perspective. Killed a lot of baddies...in high detail, seen alot of friendlies take fire/hit IEDs, seen children blown to pieces. I guarantee it's not the same as seeing it up close in the flesh, but it takes its own toll over time. As time went on, all I thought about was combat, I found my irritability going up, quick to anger, common nightmares, avoiding large groups of people...shit...I even avoided suspicious looking rocks on the side of the road. One thing is strange though....I long to get back in the seat. I want to be right in the middle of the action even though I know it will lead to further "issues". Almost feels to me that supporting the fight, whether it's providing simply ISR, or doing full-up CAS and laying the hate down,....if feels like a drug; have to have it. I've gone in to mental health hoping they could say "Yep, you have xxxx and this is how you fix it". But, after 10 or so trips to the office, the issues have only gotten worse. Funny, I haven't "flown" for about three months, but yesterday a buddy showed me some combat footage (which I would normally get off on), and I damn near told him to turn it off. I simply HAD to walk away...which is not me at all. Don't know why I felt like that at all...no clue. Anyways, I've seen two different doctors....they really havent' been a help. Actually, after seeing them I'm more likely to say "f**i it" and deal with this myself in some way. Doesn't seem to me that they "get it"...they keep focusing on teaching me breathing techniques/time outs/happy thoughts crap. I'm not sure if I was ever diagnosed with anything or not, but nothing has changed with regards to work/career ect. Anyway, just wanted to see if anyone knows what the hell I'm talking about...seems very few do. Frustrating.

I know what you are talking about, manno. I too feel like a fish out of water, even around here. I was a squid.Hell, still am a squid- always will be, even though I don't get to wear dungarees anymore. Shit, the pockets on those things sucked goat ass anyway... I chat here with ground pounders (All due respect, gang!), and I am the ONLY skimmer at the MVSC I work at (Just started in a paid position last Monday!). So, yes, I suffer from PTSD. Yes, I have seen combat. yes, most of it was not combat in the traditional foxholes and razorwire and MRE sense. This gang here understands. They know. They are living it too. So do I. Death by remote was my bread and butter. My brother was a Jarhead, my sister an ArmyDoc/Nurse/Baby Catcher. They both give me hell as a result.;)

Truth is, many of us "ultimate video gamers" all feel the same way. It really does seem that we are the minority even among our brethren. It is highly unlikely we will ever see snippets of UAV runs and Phalanx shredding go-fasts in PTSD documentaries. As some of the other "War on Drugs" crew around here can also attest, we were in the wars no one ever thinks about.

Don't ever let yourself think that because you had a different job to do you are any different however. I too long to get my hands in the guts of my machine, get covered in DU dust and smell burning PD680 and 9600 while sweeping up the nylon sabot fragments off the deck. I freely admit I revel in blowing shit up. Period. I still have nightmares and the sweats. My wife could likely load and operate Mount 21 on an amphib as she has heard me barking orders to my old crew hundreds of times. She probably could search and seize on a tramp steamer too. Hell, I still wear my "Peace though superior Firepower T-shirt, and carry a "Happiness is a Warm, Belt-fed Weapon" coffee mug. When those goddamned airdales over at Offutt run their oversized targets off the runway, I still hear the comforting "BRWAAAAAAAAAAAMT!" of a whole load of 20mm DU outbound to permanently solve the issue of shit in MY airspace in the back of my mind. Everytime I see a go-fast on the river or out on the lakes, I ask myself how well it would show up on the FLIR and if I need to use the joystick or throw the bitch in ASA (Anti Surface Auto) and go get a cup of coffee.

Who we were is still who we are and always will be. There is no cure for the Beast. Likely never will be. We had the jobs we had because we were the best people for those jobs.Period.

Doesn't mean we don't suffer too.

I highly suggest reading ODG and Sarg's posts. Those guys are old school and J R particularly understands the concept of dirty work at range.

There is a good gang here from multiple countries, multiple branches of service in multiple theatres of operation over decades. Use this tool. Learn from our "elders".

Most importantly, hang in there and remember to keep your toys out of my No Fly. I still believe that if it flies, it dies.:whistle: