Relationship Is he coming back?

[LovingH]

Thanks so much, but I was isolating for many years before this. I was pretty broken already. But yes, the hope here is amazing. It makes it hard to move on if I always have it in the back of my mind that he will come back. Just easier to move through the pain and accept that I have lost someone important to me.

If you look at Kubler-Ross's stages of grief, acceptance is the last one. So..sounds like you've come pretty far, actually.

I'm still not at that point.

 

[Hojay]

I’m sorry to hear that about your previous isolation, and that you’ve felt so broken. An added experience like this sure doesn’t help, I understand that. Sometimes, even negative experiences can help us rethink and reshape. Maybe this can be one of them.

I personally am not hoping for my ex to return, despite all the talk about returns on this forum. That’s because I have a personal boundary around guys who leave and return. You leave once, you’re out. You can come back begging, but nope nope nope. I have too much self respect for that, and good relationships don’t include leaving and returning. I’m not a freakin airport you leave from and return to at will, you know. So that’s made it easier to heal and move on. Even IF he returned I wouldn’t have him. It feels good to know my boundary is what’s keeping me from losing myself in hope that might cost me months if not years to let go of.

 

[Fleabug]

So this is stupid but my hope comes from here. We also have bond bracelets and he didn't unbond, only disconnected. We are friends on FB, but he has ignored my messages. I have watched him completely cut people out when they upset him and he hasn't completely cut me out. When he broke up with me, he absolutely refused to say he didn't want me. It would be easier for me to move on if he had severed everything. I just don't know how to move forward I guess. This is by far the worst break up of my life and I can't figure out why.

 

[LovingH]

Meh, I dunno. Almost sounds like he's keeping you on the hook, just in case.

I'd only tolerate that for a certain amount of time. At some point, he needs to expect that you deserve to be able to move on.

 

[Hojay]

This is by far the worst break up of my life and I can't figure out why.

Because it’s an ambiguous loss—you can’t quite pin it down and there is no closure. Stuff like this positively forces you to grow beyond yourself and the understanding you’ve had about yourself and other people. That’s why people come out of it feeling “grateful” for the experience. I know, that probably makes you want to scream even more right now. But trust me, 6 months in, and I’m already feeling grateful. I no longer miss him because I know he wasn’t the person I though he was. I no longer blame myself because I know I am a good person and I tried my best. I no longer regret what i said and did because I have compassion for what i said and did. I know that if it COULD have worked, it would have.

My ex also still follows me on social media. He has responded to every outreach of mine (which i stopped months ago.) heck, during one conversation he even started sexting me (talk about sick and childish.) If I didn’t have a boundary around leaving and returning, that one would have driven me nuts. But I don’t take those things as a sign that he still wants me. Or rather, even if they were, it wouldn’t matter, because I have given myself closure around him. It’s done for ME, because I know he’s too sick to have a healthy relationship.

On some level, you probably know that too about your guy. But it takes times, with all the moving pieces and elements, to get the full picture. You were just lambasted by a flock of flying monkeys. Give yourself a minute.

Self care, for me, has meant learning and reading about abandonment wounds, my fears around rejection, self worth issues, and codependency (big one!). Rather than focus on what’s wrong with him and why he did what he did, delve into the effect it’s had on you. That’s how this experience can turn into gold.

PS: i just looked up bond bracelets. I had no idea they existed. Remember, he’s not the only one who can “break” the bond. You can too. When you’re ready.

 

[EveHarrington]

Bond bracelets are a cool idea. I just looked them up.

 

[LovingH]

Also, I think other reasons these breakups can be devastating are--1) you feel like the reason you're separating, really doesn't have much to do with your compatability, or how you feel about each other. It's so much about the past. and 2) the separation often comes out of nowhere. Things can be wonderful, then BAM! It's like a bomb was dropped on your relationship.

Other relationships..wounds and problems build up, until you know you have to leave. But often in our case, the coldness and distance can seem to come out nowhere.

 

[Friday]

I know from reading posts on here that unless she gets treatment, she'll never be able to manage her symptoms properly, let alone have a healthy relationship.

Not necessarily. A lot of people with PTSD sort themselves out over time & go on to be just fine.

Granted, if you’re in a relationship and want change now in order to be willing to stay in the relationship? Treatment is the “easy button”... both as a catalyst for change, and an oversight of a kind. Like marriage problems can be worked out without couples counseling, or not. Or they can end this marriage, but be worked out over the next few relationships, so 5 or 10 years later you would never even have had a problem to begin with if you’d married now. Or the person can keep having the same problems that ended hour marriage in every following relationship.

If behaving a certain way helped someone survive life and death trauma, that’s some pretty robust learning. While some behaviors are indeed maladaptive, and no longer useful after the trauma is over, or fitting for the situation at hand, many times, that same behavior helped someone not die. It’s different than illogical or delusional.

Bolded for total agreement.

And because, yep. There’s also a whole lot of -or at least the potential for a whole lot of- irrational and delusional behavior. So there’s the stuff that makes sense (then, if not now) as well as the stuff that never made sense, nor makes sense, and is just f*cking wrong.

Less the difference between vigilance and hypervigilance, and more the difference between hypervigilance and paranoia, IME/IMO.

What if the danger doesn’t exist at all? Wouldn’t that make the reaction “illogical”?

I’d say yes & no.

Singing out before you enter a room?

It never even occurred to me this was a PTSD or Trauma thang until I started reading Supporters rants (Who IS it? Who the hell else would it be??? We’re the only ones here! Of course it’s me!) ...I thought it was just good manners.

But cha. Doing it because
A) so you don’t startle anyone in the room -with accompanying side effects-
B) If you’re sneaking? Someplace you “should” be able to make noise, sing out, etc... Something is seriously wrong. Threat level imminent. To what IDFK, but it’s still an all systems alert.

Yep. That’s old rules. It makes perfect sense in the military*. There are at home rules, and in the field rules, and you don’t mix the two. You’re noisy when it’s safe, and quiet when there’s danger. That’s not illogical. It’s perfectly logical, and plain good sense. What’s illogical is the terrorist in the loo.

So it gets a bit tangled.
Logic - (and core belief, TBH) - Noisy when it’s safe, quiet when there’s danger

Illogical - There is no danger in my bathroom, outside of the usual. (Slipping and falling, teens jerking off, naked grandparents, OMFG what did you eat??? Etc.) Being quiet in or near the bathroom does not mean it’s about to blow up. (Literally, not figuratively, regardless of how many tuna & bean burritos are exiting at speed). Or that the house is being robbed. Et cetera.

I can accept that outside of military families most people won’t sing out, much less update their location and intent, simply as good manners. Because they’re operating out of a different rule book. Danger has never been part of their normal, so they don’t classify their behavior around it. My jumpiness and overblown responses are on me, not them. But I will be happier, & far more relaxed, with people who are noisy when it’s safe, and quiet when fhere’s danger.

_________

* Just like the opposite makes sense in DV. When it’s noisy? There’s danger. Someone is mad/fighting/coming to get you/drunk/breaking the things you love/etc. Snort. It’s never actually occurred to me before, but I might have gotten afraid of my ex, if he’d be quietly abusive. Instead of a big loud angry temper tantrum throwing asshole. I have an almost impossible time taking anyone very seriously when they’re making a racket.

 

[Hojay]

Not necessarily. A lot of people with PTSD sort themselves out over time & go on to be just fine.

This is the first time I’ve heard this said around here. The prevailing opinion seems to be that this won’t get better on its own, and that supporters shouldn’t hope it will sort itself out. I wonder how often this unaided remission occurs. I’d be inclined to say that it’s not something that happens often. I don’t think this mental illness can be compared to sorting out marriage problems, which of course can happen without counseling. I don’t mean to step on toes, but I don’t think it’s sound advice to tell struggling supporters that this is something that may one day “just get better.”

 

[Friday]

This is the first time I’ve heard this said around here.

It’s said relatively often on the sufferer side of the fence. Mostly as a reminder that not all PTSD is both severe & chronic; even if most of the members here have severe & chronic PTSD, we’re actually on the narrow end of the bell curve.

but I don’t think it’s sound advice to tell struggling supporters that this is something that may one day “just get better.”

That isn’t what I said, at all.

That someone with PTSD has to get treatment or they will never learn to manage their symptoms properly or have a healthy relationship? Simply isn’t true.

That they may have to be in therapy in order to save their currenf relationship? May well be true.

 

[Hojay]

That isn’t what I said, at all.

That someone with PTSD has to get treatment or they will never learn to manage their symptoms properly or have a healthy relationship? Simply isn’t true.

I understand. Just playing devil’s advocate here, because I know how a supporter thinks and the hope one latches on to, no matter how slim, that stuff will get better even without treatment.

I agree that no one HAS to get treatment to get better. But as I see it, especially for those on here whose case is extreme enough to bring them to a forum, it’s a bit like saying someone with a broken bone doesn’t HAVE to go get it set, there’s a chance it can heal on its own. Those cases exist, but we’re mostly talking femur fractures on this forum, not a broken toe. That’s the context in which I’d tell supporters that treatment isn’t always necessary. Without that context, it can water down the seriousness of it all and lead already struggling supporters to hang on past expiration date.

 

[LovingH]

IMO some people don't even get better WITH treatment. I think it depends on the type of treatment. For myself, I've been to some horrible therapists. The therapy that worked best for me was cognitive behavioral therapy.

It had gotten to the point where I'd just do CBT exercises in my head. CBT isn't something you nec NEED a therapist for, once you learn the techniques.

I just wish I had found this site before my ex started getting cold and distant, and wanting space. I can honestly say I've never had a relationship before where someone's personality changes like that. Usually, any serious problems that would make you want to leave, pop up a lot earlier. Or I've even seen red flags while dating, that made me walk away. With this guy? Nothing. I was happy as a clam for 6 months and saw nothing that made me want to bail.

So I guess when faced with a situation I'd never encountered before, my anxiety shot up, and I reacted impulsively. I've also never had a guy completely ignore my attempts to contact them for that long--not unless they were with another woman, and I found out later.

Had I been here, on this forum, a lot earlier, I would realize why this was happening, and I could have handled it better. Gotten my anxiety under control.

Honestly, he's STILL someone I don't really recognize. I keep thinking about the mixed messages. So sweet to me in person, as I was trying to work things out with him. But then once he was triggered seemingly out of nowhere, after that, the walls came up.

I think he's gonna keep operating under his assumptions about me he made in his re-writing of history, and I will probably never hear from him.

I did send him a text yesterday. But I don't expect a response. In our last IM, he said "I think you're only comfortable with your narrative if someone is a good guy and someone is a bad guy and of course you're the good guy."

I texted him and just said, "is this really what you want? Us closed off from each other with this bad blood btwn us? Our problems had nothing to do with our compatability or how we felt about each other. On both sides, it was all about the past. I wish we could have tried to wk it out instead of running away.

FWIW I NEVER thought of you as a bad guy. Just a wonderful person struggling with some difficult wounds. I wish you could see me as the same."

It was just killing me that he thought I was thinking such horrible things about him. I felt like I had to correct the record. But I'm done contacting him now.