Relationship Is It Ptsd Or Does He Really Not See A Future?

[Endure]

My heart goes out to you because I have been exactly in your shoes. I didn't respect his space/boundaries and did something without thinking it through. That was actually the words I used when I apologized to him in my message! If there is anything I have learned from this whole experience is to not contact him again. You will end up in the same cycle I was in having to constantly explain yourself because he is not responding the way we would like. He even used those words with me at one time. "I am going to have issues and may not handle them exactly the way you want me to".

This is where we must decide how much we can take. My ex before my vet is trying to get back with me. I have been giving so much serious thought about if something major happened where I needed my man, which one of these men can I count on to be there? I would WANT it to be my vet...hands down. But in reality the one I can count on would be the other guy who is fighting for me now. My vet has only shown me when things get rough, he shuts down and runs. Can he be counted on to sit by my side if I had cancer or my mom dies? (I'm 45 so I think of these things.) This may be a good test for you. If you need him, you could message him exactly that. Say "my friend's mother died and I need you". If he can't be there for you in your darkest times, is he the right one for you? Why should we support them in their darkest times and not expect the same from them?

 

[JM318]

My heart goes out to you because I have been exactly in your shoes. I didn't respect his space/boundarie...

Endure,

He is also friends with my friends mother and knows her very well also. I just wanted to reach out to let him know, and I know the news will be upsetting to him too. I just knew it's not something that's said through text. I just don't know if I should just reach out one more time and say I'm sorry if I worried him in any way, that I wanted him to know but knew he wouldn't have answered if I called.....

Like what is the right thing to do? Not text again or just apologize and tell him it was something important otherwise I wouldn't have broken the space boundary and I hope he understands?

 

[Endure]

I don't know if I'm the right person to give advise because I haven't been successful getting my ex to respond to me, but I have done quite a bit of working on myself and reading books and going to counseling. It seems like there are a few of us here who are debilitated by fear and walking on eggshells with these men. You probably should have called instead of message if you were going to reach out about this, but I've made the same mistake myself. I still beat myself up over not picking up the phone and calling instead of messaging my vet when he was in the states. It was out of fear of what would happen. It seemed easier to get no response from messaging than him not answering the phone or saying something I didn't want to hear. Now he's overseas and I can't call and I regret it. We have to get over this fear because fear is also not going to give us the outcome we want or need.

Do you think he will hear the news from someone else? If so, I don't think you need to explain yourself. He will probably figure it out. If you don't think he will find out, I would go ahead and call. No need to apologize. Just say "I thought you would want to know".

 

[Silver.]

Are you sure that you are not using this womans death as an excuse to reach out to him? That you aren't giving him the space he is asking for? You stated he knows her very well, and that he's been on fb, so it seems to me that he would have heard of her passing. I think right now, you need to worry about you, and your friend, who probably needs you right now.
As you have stated before, he knows how to get ahold of you.
For me, I find the whole disappearing and not dropping a text completely unexcusable, and I cannot understand (and greatly sympathize) with supporters for sticking it out. But it is my opinion, that if you chose to accept this kind of behavior, you need to lay your boundaries and as such, respect theirs.
As Eve said, the first text was ambiguous and probably not the best text to send, but it's sent, and adding another text, isn't really respecting his desire for space. It feels like it is time to start taking care of you x

 

[JM318]

Are you sure that you are not using this womans death as an excuse to reach out to him? That you aren'...

Yes I understand what you mean, I reached out not because I needed an excuse to speak to him, but because it's our close friends mother and it's important. Yes he would have found out through social media or a friend, but also in my mind I'm thinking "great, our friends don't know we haven't been talking or that he started therapy so how do I react at a funeral? He doesn't want anyone to know his business or what he's going through" so it just brought out a lot of questions for me, I just wanted to have a quick conversation and tell him what's going on and let him know whatever he wants to do as far at the services I will respect. So i know everything wasn't thought through and I shouldn't have texted him, but to just grieve by myself and my friends and go to the wake and funeral alone. I just reached out again and apologized for reaching out and that "I'm sure you have heard by now" and that I'll continue to respect his space. I'm leaving it and that and I'm not gonna reach out any further.

 

[Silver.]

@JM318 I do hope this gets sorted for you, and sending you positive thoughts for the coming days with your friend and the funeral, I know how hard that can be x

 

[JM318]

@JM318 I do hope this gets sorted for you, and sending you positive thoughts for th...

Silver,

Thanks for the responses I appreciate it. He just responded back to my texts and said sorry for not responding and that he saw my text but didn't want to ruin his good mood so he hasn't been on his phone. He now knows about it and I guess we will figure out the plan for services, I just wanna be on the same page. Thanks again.

Joanna

 

[JM318]

@JM318 I do hope this gets sorted for you, and sending you positive thoughts for th...

He said "I'd be more comfortable going alone, but thank you" :/ idk how to feel bc idk his mind set or how he grieves, so I'm trying not to take it personally

 

[Silver.]

@JM318 Being the sufferer and not the supporter, I can only tell you that I cannot handle funerals at all. I close up and go somewhere far away when these kinds of things happen. Other people kind of get left out and unsure what to do.
We do indeed each grieve in our own ways. Don't take it to heart, just make sure you are there for your friend and most importantly you are taking care of you.

 

[JM318]

@JM318 Being the sufferer and not the supporter, I can only tell you that I cannot...

Yes I think you are right. Especially since a huge part of his symptoms come from his fathers death that happened when he came home from the military. I'm sure in his mind, if we went together we would have a talk on the car ride there or back and he's not ready to have that talk with me yet, so he is avoiding it altogether. I will continue to care for myself, I promise.

 

[JM318]

My heart goes out to you because I have been exactly in your shoes. I didn't respect his space/boundarie...

I guess it depends on each individual relationship. He has been there for me through dark times and vice versa. I just know right now at this point in time he doesn't have the capacity to deal with anything and I have to be okay with that. If anything, this makes me a stronger person, and I've dealt with death plenty of times alone before he even walked into my life. I have to be comfortable and happy with dealing with all emotions in life myself no matter if I have his support or not. He's not my only support system. He's my favorite comfort yes, but he's not IT. I was just worried about how he would react, knowing his fathers death has made such a huge impact on this all, and funerals are just so uneasy to begin with.

Anyways, my ex also reaches out to me every 6 months or so for the last 3 years. He's even recently told me he has gotten engaged after meeting someone for a couple months and they want to have kids soon. Sounds fishy to me but I would never go back to him. What made your ex, your ex? How long since the break up? Do you think you are settling because you are lonely? I just love my veteran so much I can't picture my life with anyone else. I know that can either make or break me, but I can't help who I love and I can't pretend either. I think no matter what, go with your intuition, and whatever you choose, I hope you are happy in your decision, because we all deserve true happiness. <3

 

[jems]

My first time posting. I'm watching your thread. I have not had the energy to create my own thread. It just feels too exhausting and overwhelming to post my story at this point. But I hear you.