you two are both saying things that don't seem ptsd as much as not wanting to be in a relationship:...
He said those things back when he was diagnosed in 9/2015 (and still denied it) and then a month later we broke up. He has issues with his father's death and feeling like his life would be different if his father never got into that car accident that eventually ended his life four years later, which once the business went under my veteran joined the military because he didn't have a future in the family business any longer, everything crumbled. He said he doesn't know who he is. Recently before starting therapy he says he feels numb and he is unsure about everything in his life except his job because there, he doesn't have to think about anything else. I brought this up to my therapist and she said not to take it personally, that he can't get a grasp on "right now" so the relationship and his future is out of his reach at the moment.
He told me the last time we spoke in person that he does love me but he wants to be left alone for a little while so he can start therapy. And he also hugged me and told me "I love you for sticking around". I can remember a few weeks before his breakdown/isolation we got away just me and him and went to the beach, we spent the day looking for sea glass for one of our many collections we do for hobbies. I sat in between his legs and we looked at the ocean and just talked for a while, we talk about the future and how if it were up to him he would take me and the dog to a cabin in the woods and live away from all the madness in the world.
But that was also a year ago before we broke up for 6 months and when he came back he admitted his father's death was a big impact on him and still is. He always seems to open up to his mother during these isolation periods and tells her "She possesses everything I've ever wanted in a woman" and "I don't want anyone else".
From my perspective I think he says those things because he feels like he cant give me a future, but the fact he started therapy shows he wants a future for himself and for us. He finally decided to get the help he needs because clearly nothing else was helping. So I'm not sure Silver, you may be right? Maybe he thinks its easier to be alone, which he has said, but when things are good, things are wonderful. I do feel like he holds guilt for putting me through all this, but I've told him its my choice to stay. There is a possibility he felt that way, but he's told me that love is scary because everyone he loves dies.
I've also mentioned to him when he is isolating and feeling overwhelmed, he goes into this depression that turns into negative thoughts, and then everything in his life is negative. It's like what he says is based off of what he is feeling IN THE MOMENT, he doesn't think about all the positive we've shared, and he agreed that that's exactly what it is.
Tell me what you think, Silver. You think he really meant what he said a year ago? But then changed his mind and came back? Or maybe he still feels that way? I talked to a friend recently who saw my veteran last weekend, and he asked me what was wrong with him, he seemed to be in a funk..... And all I can think of was the last face to face talk we had and my veteran telling me "I'm trying Joanna, that's all I can do is try". Do you think I'm like delusional, maybe he loves me but just doesn't want to be with me.......
