General Is It True If He Says He Does Not Mind? Question For Vets And Spouses

[Deleted member 28812]

So this question is just for Vets ans spouses please because I think this is something other cannot relate to.

Sometimes when my husband cannot do something or does not feel well enough to do something he says "Go ahead. Do it" and that he does not mind not attending, like when we went somewhere and he could not come with us, he stayed at home babysat. Later we had a snack in our home.

I told him that I think it must be bad if he sees us after we went that place and talking about it, but he said that this is basically better than nobody going and he does not want it to spoil it for everyone and that he would feel bad if he knew we stopped talking about it because of him. He basically does not mind.

What is your opinion?

I think there is a poem by a Vet about a Vet who lost his legs and pretends he does not mind that he cannot go hunting with his buddies anymore which is called "Do I really mind losing my legs?". It's about how he does not want people to worry so he does not tell them he is not okay with that but from the poem it i not really clear if this is really the case. I tried to google it but could not find it.
So of course he does mind losing his legs - but does he mind people go hunting without him? I know my husband had it a while ago and I am not really sure if he took the "I do mind" or the "I don't mind" approach to it.

My husband has not lost his legs but still cannot go places.
When I ask him if he minds he always goes "No".

My husband does mind having PTSD but is he basically upset by the fact we go places without him.

Know what I am trying to say?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Know what I am trying to say?

I think so. You are asking about doing things without your vet because he cannot bring himself to go. You think it makes him feel bad, even if he tell you to go without him, am I understanding this right?

I can see two sides of this. Although I'm sure that every sufferer is different, I think I get how my vet regards this.

PTSD-wise, I think that a lot of the places that my vet doesn't want to go to make him soooo uncomfortable he is actually relieved that I will go without him and not make a big deal of it. By now he knows that I am comfortable not being "escorted" to certain places or events. I was a single mom for 10 years before we met, so I guess it doesn't bother me much either. He also knows that if he ever wants to try and go to these places, I will happily go with him and hold his hand if he'd like. Or not hold his hand. Or walk in, say "nope the hell out of this," and leave if that's what he wants.

We've figured this out over time. I know that he would try and do things to make me happy, but be miserable and panicky in crowds. He knows that I would sit at home beside him with the shades down watching TV all day, but I'd shrivel up and claw my eyes out from boredom. We compromise. Sometimes I hang out at home with him, sometimes I go out and do things without him, and sometimes we go out and do low key things together that he is comfortable with... and believe it or not, sometimes he goes out with his buddies without me. We just roll with it.

My vet has physical injuries as well as the TBI and PTSD. He is on a cane and cannot do much walking or standing without being able to sit and rest up. Besides the PTSD issues he has, we have to make sure the places we go are handicapped accessible, don't have a lot of stairs, etc. He is also very very stubborn about not using wheelchairs or carts. I don't blame him. He was in his late 20s when he took his wounds. He's 6'2", and used to be so ripped he had to doctor his BDU sleeves to roll them up over his biceps (back in the day when they used to be allowed to roll their sleeves up... and wear BDUs). He doesn't like to be handicapped, he doesn't want to be handicapped, and a lot of the times he doesn't accept the fact that he is indeed physically handicapped. He is pissed that he can't work out. He is pissed that he can't walk a mall when he used to be able to ruck. He is even pissed that his tattoos "don't look right" because he is lost a lot of his muscle mass.

From outside observations, the physical limitations get to him a lot more than the PTSD ones do. This may be because a lot of the things that he finds soothing, he cannot physically do anymore. He cannot work out, hike, backpack, hunt, or lay prone to shoot. I've found some ADA approved hiking trails that are nice and flat, and take him what he calls "girly camping" with cots and air mattresses, but he tends to get aggravated because he can't do more.

I think that in the instances where he is limited physically, he is more upset that he cannot do things with me that he would like to do. I also think these are the things he longs to do more. He hates crowds and noises because of his anxiety, but because he hates them he doesn't miss doing things in crowded noisy places as much. He would love nothing more than to take a nice long quiet backpacking trip, and he can't. Even if he would ever work up the determination to make himself go, he physically cannot.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm not a vet and I'm not formally ptsd diagnosed (childhood long term sexual assault is my history), so maybe my comments are not useful. Sorry, I tend to post more when I'm feeling something...please feel free to ignore my post.

But...I like it when my husband does things with my kids that I can't. I value him providing that side of life with my kids. If it's just for him, I don't mind either. Sure I'd love to be able to do it, but I cant. Maybe it's different because it's trauma and I never could do it, so I don't miss a past I never had.

 

[Friday]

Vet... I don't believe in wasting time with lies. Difficult truths can be gotten through, lies kill.

Has your vet done something to warrant this total lack of trust? From the past several posts it appears he tells you something, he does it, and you still don't believe him. I feel like I'm missing something.

 

[still_i_rise]

I can't answer your question. Only your spouse answer that question.

For me and my spouse, I do stuff without him all the time. I've always done stuff without him. We have lots of activities and hobbies that we do together. But there's other things that I know he's not into (like skiing, going for hikes, going to concerts) I don't wanna drag him off to do stuff he rather not. Visa versa.

With the PTSD, there're environments and situations that he'd sometimes rather would avoid. And other times he's okay. He can bail on me anytime. I don't ask why, I already know. We can be getting ready to leave and if he doesn't wanna go, that's okay. I'll go myself. He's okay with that. He doesn't want me to miss out on doing stuff.

I hope that if he does have problems with me doing stuff without him that he would just tell me and we'll work through it.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Thanks, ladies!

@ghotiff and @still_i_rise: Thanks for sharing!

@FridayJones:

Has your vet done something to warrant this total lack of trust?

My vet does not talk much about things like this... and yes, there are things he kept hidden from me.,, may be he did not want me to worry or to catch "secondary PTSD" or he was ashamed or whatever.

Communicating with a man... especially one with PTSD... especially one who is a vet with PTSD... can be difficult.

@Sweetpea76: I am sorry that your guy had this happening to him.

He knows that I would sit at home beside him with the shades down watching TV all day, but I'd shrivel up and claw my eyes out from boredom.

My guy has a similar habit. Sometimes he gets up, gets himself an energy drink, places hismself in front of the TV and watches silly movies (such as "Space Balls" or "Mr. Deeds" - the Adam Sandler version - or worse) nonstop, shades down. Sometimes I like it - when it is cold and rainy outside it can be comfy cozy - by the way - talking about this - last year around Christmas my guy would get up, get an energy drink, watch a movie and listen to "our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cozy are we" and songs like this nonstop while watching the movie. It drove me quite nuts. Oh, writing this I realized I am still haunted by this song. Giddy, giddy up, giddy up.

This is so boring (and also he has a horrible taste for movies)... my mother who does not have PTSD and is not a psychologist, but is quite smart... said maybe he needs this a bit to give him comfort but that I also need to challenge him a bit.

 

[Sweetpea76]

said maybe he needs this a bit to give him comfort but that I also need to challenge him a bit.

It is a comfort thing. I call it his little nest.

As far as challenging, I always make sure he knows he is totally invited and way more than welcome to do anything we are doing, but I don't try and "push" him to go. I know he will be stubborn and dig his heels in, or feel pressure and turn it into stress. I just constantly invite, with no strings attached. I often times bring him back little trinkets or food from wherever we go, just to let him know that I was thinking of him while I was there. Every so often he surprises me and decides to go on the spur of the moment... those are the fun days. :)

 

[moonbeam]

I don't think this is restricted to vets. There are certain places or things every PTSD sufferer struggles with. My husband does certain things for me and I will ask him to go places without me.

If I don't want to go and I know he does I will feel awful if he decides to stay home with me instead. Why should we both be stuck in the house? It doesn't hurt to hear that my spouse enjoyed himself somewhere. It would be worse if he came home and said he didn't because then I would feel crappy as well.

I see it as a nice compromise that he gets to do stuff and I don't risk a meltdown.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@moonbeam: Thanks for sharing. Have you always been afraid of place because you have childhood PTSD or is it something you do miss?

@Sweetpea76: My husband challenges me a lot - for example when it comes to physical fitness. I think I mentioned before that I am a "no sports" person but I decided to work out with him sometimes... oh, I hate it... because when I say "I can't" he just says "No, you don't want to. Don't be so lazy. Give me five more situps". That is his personal way of motivating people... by insulting them. I used to hate it but after a while I realized it was actually effective... because my anger and wanting to show my husband I was not lazy made me push my limits. I still hate working out though but I think not as much as I used to... because later my husband pointed out my accomplishments and I was like "Wow. I did really well. Who would have ever thought so"... so back to topic...
I understand his desire to feel comfortable... but then I think my mother is right... I need to challenge him a bit... there are things he used to love and gave up because of PTSD. That's not right. When we met he did more things but then his PTSD became worse and the more he "fled" the worse it got until he was in a very bad place two/three months ago.
I need to challenge him only a bit... not too much... just the right amount of challenge... it's difficult.

I think he is sad because he cannot do those things anymore... maybe also jealous... now if I do those things does it make him even more sad?

 

[holdenmonty]

@Lemontree I wouldn't feel bad about going someplace without him especially if you know that it could/does trigger him. For instance my family went to the old part of town where they still have small shops and stuff when it was nice outside and we went into a chocolate shop and the chocolate shop got crowded very quickly and I told my wife that I would be outside with the boys and that she could look around and she said are you sure and I was very excited to be able to escape the crowded chocolate store and I was truly happy that she was able to look around at the stuff in the chocolate story.

If you husband has a double meaning by saying that he doesn't mind then in my personal opinion then it is on him to work on things so he is able to go with you or to let you know that he would like to go with you guys but needs some help when you guys go to a certain place. For me personally the things that I use to hide and some things that I still hide from my wife I do either protect her or that I feel as though she isn't ready for certain things that I hide from her. For instance if and when I'm having a tough time like for instance me having a rough month I have been hiding it until I told my wife last night that I have been kind of aggravated this whole month but I was hiding it from her because I didn't want her thinking that her or the kids were the ones aggravating me but that I was just aggravated in general. I also feel as though she doesn't need to know all the unhelpful thoughts that come to my mind so I guess you could say that I hide them from her because I haven't told her and don't plan on telling her.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I need to challenge him only a bit... not too much... just the right amount of challenge... it's difficult.

That's the hard part... never knowing when they need a kick in the butt, or really really don't. I'm not great at recognizing this, and pushed a little too much in the past. Now I don't push at all, and I wonder sometimes if a little nudge may not be beneficial sometimes.

 

[Friday]

the hard part... never knowing when they need a kick in the butt, or really really don't. I'm not great at recognizing this, and pushed a little too much in the past. Now I don't push at all, and I wonder sometimes if a little nudge may not be beneficial sometimes.

Lol.

Vet-Hack :) Ask.

Kick in the ass, really big hugging snuggle, or peace-tranquility-silence-space?

I've been met with narrowed eyes sometimes and the "You think I need a kick in the ass?"

"Nope!" And huge grin, "I'm asking what you think you need. All 3 get the same result, depending on where your head is at. What you want, what you need?"

The caveat on this one is being willing to follow through with whatever their answer is.