Is This PTSD? And a Few Questions

[loqu]

My symptoms are decreasing rapidly now. I still suffer intrusive thoughts and irrational anger/fear issues, but it's down to like one fifth of its original intensity. Next week marks six months of symptoms. I had some questions and thoughts I wanted to post here.

1. My most pressing question is this. Ever since I realized what it was I was suffering from, my primary concern has been long term effect. If you've suffered from ASD, and the symptoms dissappeared, has any permanent damage - in any way - occurred? I wonder if I should worry whether I'm physiologically damaged somehow.

That's it really. Apart from that, I'm just starting to experience something like an embitterment phase. The panic of having intense symptoms has dissipated along with my recovery. In its place there is this emotional lump of aversion and anger. Once feelings of self-blame scattered, along came resentment towards my assailant and the unfair treatment and suffering I've been exposed to.

Life can be real tiresome, as I'm sure many on this forum knows all too well. Sometimes I wish it would just end in an instant.

anthony, if you're reading this, let me take this opportunity to extend my most heartfelt thanks to you. You've showed tremendous patience in answering each and every one of my questions. It seems to me you've reached out from the depths of your own suffering to help others and prevent the spread of this devastating illness. This forum is the most valuable resource on this topic on the web. I hope it soothes your own pain knowing you're making a very real difference in people's lives.

 

[anthony]

If you've suffered from ASD, and the symptoms dissappeared, has any permanent damage - in any way - occurred? I wonder if I should worry whether I'm physiologically damaged somehow.

Physiologically... I do not believe any permanent damage is done from ASD, however; even with ASD the amygdala and other aspects of the brain can change in size during the worst aspects. To be conclusive, one would off had to had an MRI before and after trauma to know conclusively. I have not read anything medically on this, though who really knows?

Psychologically, it is said that any trauma in your life can be a pre-cursor to further traumatic events in the leadup to something like PTSD or an anxiety disorder later in life. I do not believe there is any fast rule or evidence based on this though, more theoretical and statistical modelling.

anthony, if you're reading this, let me take this opportunity to extend my most heartfelt thanks to you. You've showed tremendous patience in answering each and every one of my questions. It seems to me you've reached out from the depths of your own suffering to help others and prevent the spread of this devastating illness.

Thanks mate, much appreciated and you're very welcome.

 

[loqu]

Physiologically... I do not believe any permanent damage is done from ASD, however; even with ASD the amygdala and other aspects of the brain can change in size during the worst aspects. To be conclusive, one would off had to had an MRI before and after trauma to know conclusively. I have not read anything medically on this, though who really knows?

Psychologically, it is said that any trauma in your life can be a pre-cursor to further traumatic events in the leadup to something like PTSD or an anxiety disorder later in life. I do not believe there is any fast rule or evidence based on this though, more theoretical and statistical modelling.

I'll take that to mean "probably not". That is at least better than "probably", so I think there's cause for reassurance. I've been vigilant in terms of seeking help and really airing this thing out as much as possible. I'm still doing weekly theraphy and I will continue until my symptoms are completely gone.

I tell you, people do not realize the egregious consequences of violent behavior. Now that self-blame is no longer the pervading emotion when looking back at my trauma, I can so penetratingly witness the ignorance and callousness of the person responsible. Then again, he didn't know what would happen just as I didn't know. I suppose his ignorance will be ground for forgiveness in the future. I really see that as the only viable option if I'm going to leave this thing behind for good. That's been on my mind almost since day one.

Now, if this would just go away...

 

[loqu]

I'm still pining for the day when I will be able to write that this whole thing is finally over with. Sadly, that day has yet to come. It's been more than 7 months and I still have constant intrusive thoughts. Just reading back that sentence immediately makes me worried, even though the discomfort is continually diminishing every week. I would say that at the moment it's at about one tenth of its highest intensity in the past. It's becoming hard to quantify though, since while it's getting better it still remains, week after week. At 6 months I wrote that it was at about one fifth, which was probably accurate at the time of writing, but it's always two steps forward, one step back.

I'm so cursed tired of this terrible affliction and I want nothing more then not to have this on my mind for just an hour. I'm still doing theraphy every other week, and occasionally EMDR at home (which has seemingly zero effect).

Deep inside I'm still convinced I will be completely free from this eventually, otherwise I probably would've broken down by now. That's what everyone have been saying. And it is getting better. Somehow I actually feel lucky, now that I've learned of how some people never recover.

The waiting game continues. If you have any thoughts for me, I'd be delighted to hear them. Thank you.

 

[loqu]

I'm so angry right now. Or rather irritated and desperate, but at the same time apathetic. If you know what I mean. I'm so sick of this thing and how my life has turned out. So unnecessary. I've tried to keep my head up for a long time now, but it just keeps on without abatement. Still, my biggest fear is that it would get worse (my psychiatrist says it won't). Then I would surely become very emotionally unstable. But the unrelenting patch of pain in my head is enough to make me want to scream with anger. A lifetime of knowing this, with no vengeance, no rehabilitation...

I'm f*cking tired is all. It's like Buddha said. All is suffering.

 

[loqu]

I'm still getting better, but the process is very slow. My last post was very negative, an accurate reflection of my feelings at the time. I've tried to refrain from posting when I'm in a bad mood, but I guess the temptation to ventilate was to great. I'm now in my 31st week of symptoms. It's hard to estimate the intensity. Before I've said 20, then 10 percent, but how can it lessen and yet remain, week after week? I suppose it's at 10-20 percent of the original intensity at the moment. That's enough for it to be a constant hassle. Painful and always noticeable.

I really hope this isn't scrambling my brains, so to speak. All I want is to be healthy and free from this. Then I deal with the fallout later.

 

[loqu]

I have a question maybe someone here can help me out with. As mentioned above I've had symptoms (intrusive thoughts) for almost 8 months. I've been to theraphy every other week for about 6 months. Can I trust that it won't get worse? It's still getting better every week but it's so incredibly slow.

Aaarggh, my usual vague and off-centre concerns. Maybe someone has some thoughts to appease my anxiousness? I guess that's what I'm after.

 

[loqu]

I went to my therapist today for the first time in close to a month. I told him my symptoms are at a level of about 20-25 percent of their orginal intensity. I've had to adjust my estimation upward because it has kept on for so long now. Anyway, he told me to stay positive and not poison the healing process with negative thoughts and frustration. So I will try to keep it positive in the two weeks until our next meeting.

I'm surprised it has taken so long to wear off. But I'm not downtrodden yet. I'll just play the waiting game and try to be patient.

 

[loqu]

I feel pretty good now. I'm at about 15-20 percent. Enough for it to be a constant hassle, but definitely manageable. The reason I feel somewhat elated is because I read this:

"The U.S. Department of Transportation estimates that 40% of people seriously injured in a car crash have PTSD during the first year after the crash (2)."

You can read the whole thing here: http://www.crashsurvivorsnetwork.org/traumaticstress.htm

The bottom line is, I'm still getting better every week, and I need to stop worrying so much. Yes, they speak of PTSD when they in fact mean ASD, and that's the point entirely. I've suffered a trauma - yes. I've had limited symptoms of post traumatic stress for an extended period of time - yes. This does not mean I'm afflicted for life. I've had the great fortune to be able to seek professional help. I'm still healing this wound, and it will take some time. I need to accept my intrusive thoughts and continue living my life as I've tried to do the last eight and a half months. It won't get worse, because it has only gotten better, and I have the resources and the support necessary to overcome.

 

[loqu]

A small update. My illness is taking incredibly long to heal. 38 weeks and counting. I have what feels like a tattoo of the incident in the front of my mind at all times. I try not to, but I'm constantly reviewing and analyzing the situation, over and over again. Just the usual anger at the injustice of the world and how bad things can happen to good people. It's getting better still, and that's the reason why I'm not downtrodden. Yeah, I'm very angry and hapless every other day. But how can I feel too bad for myself when I now know the reality of PTSD? What are another six months of this when there are people who are afflicted for life? It's nothing.

I have to say though, the closer I'm moving to the one year mark of symptoms, I'm starting to feel very anxious. It just seems like a bad sign. But yeah, it's getting better.

 

[anthony]

If its getting better loqu, then you should be good. If not... then you may be developing PTSD. Its that sitting on the fence moment usually... you can swing one way or the other with it. The earlier you get it, the earlier you treat it, the less chance of PTSD developing. The longer left, the more chance. Even then... if the trauma is still significant enough upon the brain, the fence falls onto the PTSD side, with you on it.

I will say though... don't do yourself more harm than good by getting caught up in the anxiety cycle, ie. you start getting anxious about being anxious, thinking about the "what ifs" and everything you have no control over. Just work forward and don't get caught in any nasty cycle.

 

[loqu]

Whow man, when I read your post, my innards felt like the crumpled up inside of me. The thought of something suddenly going wrong and me "falling over the fence" like you say is my greatest fear. The situation is that I'm still getting better every week and it's now about 10 % of its original intensity. My therapist has told me that nothing will "explode" and it won't get worse.

I just had to reply, because reading back what you said made me feel so incredibly riled with angst. I'm sure that wasn't your intention, but that's what happened. I do try not to be anxious.

Edit: Sorry, I think my previoust post gave a too negative reflection of the situation. I really feel pretty good right now. As I said, it's most definitely better, even though it's not fully gone. I know you're just trying to be helpful.