Lazy Or Depressed? Anyone Else Have Trouble With This?

[unreality]

Hi all, I've been depressed plenty of times before and I know what it feels like, but for maybe a year now I have had signs of depression without actually feeling depressed. I mean I do have depression that comes and goes, but my lifestyle is the same regardless. For example, I wake up late and then stay in bed and watch Netflix for hours just smoking my ecig. I'll even wait until I feel like I'm going to explode before getting up to go to the bathroom. I have plenty of water bottles by my bed but I don't bother to drink them. I don't get up to eat even though I know I should, and I don't really feel hungry. I don't go out much unless I have to (like a doc appointment) but I do still occasionally make plans to see a friend. When I have to go somewhere or I have an obligation to a friend, I'll get dressed brush my teeth shower and eat before I leave but when its just me with no plans I do nothing.

I quit drinking a year ago, but I used to go out more and do things when I drank. I can't anymore bc its a problem for me. But I don't know what I like anymore and I don't know what I want to do. I know I like thunderstorms, I've been looking forward to one for months and get excited everytime it's in the weather report but the storms kept just missing my town. Last night we had an awesome storm I could hear it loudly and the flashes were bright enough to shine through my curtains. But I keep my curtains pinned together and my blinds closed, and even though I knew I was probably missing the coolest storm in a while, I kept thinking about how it would be too much work to get up and unhook the curtains and open the blinds and how id have to put it all back when it ended. Thunderstorms are the one thing I thought I really love, so am I just really lazy or have I just become apathetic to everything?

Is it possible that I'm depressed and just don't realize it? Or could it be that I developed these habits while I was depressed and now it's just hard to change? I feel like I lost myself :-( Does this kind of thing happen to anyone else?

By the way, in addition to ptsd I have adult ADD and mild OCD

I take 50mg Vyvanse/day for add, and I take 75mg vistaril and 1mg klonopin/day. Could it be the meds?

Thanks for any input you guys have
Love, Sammy

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, Sammy.
Yes, it could be the meds. I cannot take Klonopin because it gives me horrible depression that lasts for days and days. I am med sensitive, but also, Klonopin has a longer half-life than other benzodiazepines, and stays in your system longer. I personally do well on Ativan, but of course, we are all different and what works for one may not work for another. Benzos are known for blunting your emotions, so it is worth looking into this possibility.

The other thing I wonder about is whether it could just be numbness? I don't know if this sounds crazy to other people, but for me, numbness is quite different from depression, but to doctors the symptoms align and so they just throw me on antidepressants. Its no wonder that half of them sent me manic! I think a good doctor may be able to help you sort out what is what, but I have yet to find a doctor who can really tell the difference.

 

[silkleaves]

That sounds a lot like what I go through..for months at a time. I have major depressive disorder though, so I know that has a lot to do with it... it's more like a way of life for me at this point though. I have to struggle to do the smallest task, like taking a shower and brushing my teeth. And by the time I've done all that, I just want to get back on my couch and blow off where ever it is I needed to go.

I do feel lazy a lot of times, almost all the time. Especially when I made plans and letting someone down, or just letting my home down because I need to go run errands and stuff that I really can't put off any longer, but still do. And even my own personal health, like you said, waiting til I'm about to burst before I go to the bathroom, not eating, etc.

Sorry I can't offer advice or insight as far as your condition and the meds you are on...just that I often feel the same way, that I don't feel "down" or depressed in any way, just can't bring myself to do anything which makes me like a lazy bum.

I try to keep my curtains open at all times...and I do my very best to keep my home clean, I find that when its a mess, I'm a mess on the inside, but if I can at least get one thing tidy, then I don't feel so overwhelmed. Even knowing that, my home can reach disaster zone levels, as in...8 bags of garbage and several loads of laundry later, my house is still an unholy mess. So I don't have it down pat, but I try because it does help.

This might sound rediculous, but seeing how much you love thunderstorms, maybe watch some shows / documentaries about storms? That way you can sort of get your fix? It's like that for me and travel shows...hilarious because I have a hard time leaving my home, but I do love to travel, and even just watching shows about faraway countries and cultures, that reminder that there is this whole world out there to explore lifts my mood.

 

[Caterpillar]

I've experienced that type of depression before. At the time I wasn't on any meds and the fatigue and lack of motivation was definitely a depressive symptom for me. I did find it somewhat easier to overcome that the severe depressions where I feel all the bleakness and sadness because as I forced myself to ignore the lack of motivation and do more things (a kind of slow process) I was able to feel more productive and the problem gradually receded. It just took a concerted effort in the beginning to start forcing myself into the habits of actually doing things.

 

[unreality]

Hi @Solara,
I have been thinking it could be the meds too. The problem is that my anxiety is out of control without the meds. I have been put on a lot of SSRI antidepressants and some SNRI antidepressants, but for some reason I have very bad reactions to all of them. I think it's because I take the Vyvanse too, it could be too much serotonin. It's so hard to find a good doctor. I guess if it's hard for me to distinguish between numbness and depression, it can't be easy for them to figure it out either. I've been saying I need to find another doctor, but it's still on the list of things I need to do that I am too busy ignoring to do it.

 

[unreality]

Hi silkleaves,
Thanks for sharing with me. It's helpful to know that I am not alone in experiencing this, although I'm sorry you feel this way too. I do actually watch shows about storms, and I watch videos of them online too. It's not the same though, for me it has a lot to do with the energy in the atmosphere around me that I love. That's awesome that you watch travel shows, I find them so interesting too although I don't think I could ever just go backpacking across Europe. :p

I struggle with small tasks like brushing my teeth too. It's embarrassing but I can't help it. It's good that you keep your curtains open. I have a hard time with that, because it makes me feel paranoid. I have the constant thought that someone can see me and that they're going to be judging me. I know it's probably just my own self judgement. Have you always been able to keep the curtains open? Or was it gradual? I want to be able to simply have sunlight come into my bedroom but I don't know how to start or get past the discomfort.[DOUBLEPOST=1403202940,1403202690][/DOUBLEPOST]
Hi Caterpillar,
That's great that you were able to get through it. I feel like I could force myself to start doing some things, but it's like my life has become such a mess that I don't even know where to start. I'll have a good day and keep up with things and then the next day I procrastinate until I end up doing nothing, and the cycle continues. How did you start? Do you have any advice on where to begin or how to keep with it? Thanks for responding.:)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

There are a number of different meds that can be used instead of Klonopin. As I said, I do well on Ativan, which has a shorter half-life. I think Anthony has stated that he does ok on Valium, and I know others do well on Xanax. I think that it is worth a discussion with your doctor. You may not have to give up meds all together, but a med switch to something else in the same family may really help you.

 

[silkleaves]

Have you always been able to keep the curtains open? Or was it gradual? I want to be able to simply have sunlight come into my bedroom but I don't know how to start or get past the discomfort.

Where I am now, my place has those old school frosted panes, so no one can see inside. That helps a lot, because then the curtains can be open, but without any sort of view into or out of my home, day or night. Before this, I also had up sheer curtains, so that light could get in, but you couldnt see in in the daytime. Kiddo would close the heavy curtains for me at night. If she didnt open them for me when she got home from school then whelp, they just didn't get opened. And there was no way I could leave them open all the time, because someone would be able to see in at night.

Incidentally, where I am now, I think because of the frosted panes, is really the first time Ive lived in a place where I've felt comfortable keeping the curtains open, and also, this place is the first in years I've been able to feel good / keep my home in better condition / get more done. So I do think that bringing light into my home makes a big difference.

 

[shimmerz]

I get into these states as well. I am not 'depressed' but it is a complete lack of energy and my fear of dealing with the outside world as there are so many triggers there. I find it best when I get my body moving somehow. My body resists by doing the old 'just one more video game' thing that turns into 20 more. It sounds to me like numbness as you are not 'feeling' your hunger, your sense of bodily functions etc. The more I stay in one spot the more the numbness sets in. I am sitting here looking at having to clean the kitchen right now and fighting with myself to go out. I even have a place to go and something productive to do. I know if I don't go the price will be shame. Arrrrghhhhh

 

[Britt.f7]

I told my therapist I was lazy and unmotivated, she said that was my depression talking. Even though I am on plenty of drugs to alleviate the depression, it still lingers. I think the anxiety causes a lot of my issues too. I'm trying to find something to do that occupies my time without the usual computer usage and sitting on my butt. That, at least, is better then where I use to be. I use to not even think of doing anything else. Now, at least, I think of it. Of something better out there for me. Now it is just a matter of getting to it. I'm working on it. But I definitely feel like you do.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I was depressed for three years and was a full time care giver for my husband who died last year. I am now able to do more things and keep up with things. I am more motivated to keep up with things around here too.

I do understand how you feel. It sounds like you are very depressed and need help. Can you hire someone to clean your house for you? Can you buy tv dinners to heat up in the microwave and get foods that do not take up too much energy to prepare.

I am very concerned for you right now. I hear your heartbreak and anguish and shame. You will heal from this but it will take time and work. My heart goes out to you right now.