Learned Helplessness

[DharmaGirl]

A group of friends are going camping this weekend. I have the camper, so for some reason I've become the "leader". I don't want to be. Two of us are going today, we have talked and are splitting the gas, propane, food, cost of campsite. We asked the other 3 to split the costs with us. One canceled because she couldn't afford it. I offered to pay her way since she is a good friend, but she said she didn't feel right. One other is good with the arrangements, and the last one left me a message saying she has no money and can't contribute anything for 4 days of camping except potatoe salad but she really, really want to go, can I please take her.

Every time we do something as a group, she says the same thing. I told her 3 days ago the cost would be 17 dollars plus a share of the food. She would be eating whether she goes or not. We are ALL on disability and have chronic pain. i get a lot more than she does because I am on disability through work, however I get no government help and after I pay my bills for myself and my son, we have about the same amount of spending money. I was a charge nurse and making a lot of money before I went on disability, so I have a camper and a house etc.

I really don't want to seem petty, and if she normally contributed I would not hesitate, but am I being selfish? I want to be a kind, generous person, but I don't want to be taken advantage of because my PTSD prevents me from saying anything to her. I also don't want to set a precedent that she is entitiled to go on all our outings for free. She does have enough to keep herself in pot and cigarettes for the month. The other 4 people are annoyed with her too, but also seem to think I should be the one to talk to her. I'm whipping myself into frenzy about this.

 

[Privateer]

If she smokes and can afford weed, she can sure as hell afford to contribute. Sounds like she's a chancer.

 

[Whitneys story]

You should not feel guilty and have a great time. Your friend sounds like my neighbor. Flush bank account, feels like she should be taken care of by other peoples money.

I am glad you have taken care of yourself and son first. Giving in to her is enabeling which I don't feel will benefit you. You have the right to set boundries. Wish I was there. Nothing more rewarding than camping, being with earth and nature. Hugs Whitney

 

[DharmaGirl]

Thanks, I feel better about telling her no. The group I'm in has always coddled her, but then were angry after and I don't want to do that.

 

[KP the nut]

She would have to eat if she stayed at home, and if she can afford that then she can pay her way. Hell, she is getting free accommodation it is only fair that she pays towards the other costs.

Tell her that if she can't pay, then she must stay behind as the extra food costs would be too much for the rest of the party.

(((HUGS))), let us know how you get on.

This is a big step for you, it isn't easy to stand up to someone, but it needs doing.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Lol, I told her and she got upset, and told me I was upset. I stuck to the facts. But now one of the others is horrified that I said something. I actually pointed out the elephant in the living room. Now I feel like crap. I don't even want to go really since I feel like such a party pooper. Oh well.

 

[saffy]

Well thats a dillema, but it had to be brought up because it is causing friction, YOu have said what you think now stick to it, she will be upset at first but she will see that it makes sense.

I think in this situation I would say if she can contribute enough to feed us to the cost of her ticket then that would be more helpful, as it seems she has the means to have food to offer, say also she has to supply the drugs, sorry if you don't do them, that way it is all a way of contributing to the trip. Your other Friend does not sound like she is trying it on, maybe you could arrange a payback deal for the future, if she is really skint then maybe she can pay her way by doing something for you instead, ie,three hours of cleaning then she would not feel like a taker and you.

Remember respect goes both ways, and you have the right to be treated with respect and what you are asking is not out of order at all, far from it. You are all skint so have to chip in. That's the way it goes.

It sounds like it is a group decision anyway as the other are also unhappy about it.

Best wishes
Saffy

 

[maddog]

I'm cringing for you Monster, this is a very awkward and hurtful situation. You have done absolutely the right thing, and that takes real guts - I'm not sure I could have, in spite of knowing it would be the right thing to do. To now be guilted by another of your friends is salt in the wound that you don't deserve and which quite frankly doesn't even make a lot of sense.

I'm sorry, though completely understand, how this has soured your view of the entire trip. If you can, try to just stick to your guns, keep your behaviour towards all of them neutral and behave as though the issue, now discussed and resolved, is out of your mind. Maybe in this way the others will take your lead and see that all you are doing is enforcing ground rules and then getting on with preparations for camping.

And do stick to your guns. As others have said, she clearly has the money, it's her priorities that are lacking at this stage.

So sorry you have to go through this.

Maddog

 

[Toria]

Really well done for saying something and for sticking to it too. If she has done it once and then, as you say, learned that she can carry on getting away with it then she will. The real test will come next time you all go away - will she try it again or will she contribute.

I have sympathy for anyone with no money, it's not a place anyone would choose to be, but it does sound as if (by smoking) she is actively making the decision to spend what money she does have on herself rather that on the group.

I hope you have a great weekend. If you still feel bad, perhaps you could talk it through with the others whilst you are all away.