I can't take this anymore. Very actively thinking about suicide again. I feel totally helpless and vulnerable in the world, like most people are cruel, uncaring and can't be trusted, must be avoided at all cost. If they recognize my fear and vulnerability, they'll move in, get closer, start grinning. There's no one I dare fully trust. No one can help me against the demons I see everywhere. I feel irredeemably mentally ill, hopeless, alone and horrified.
I've been severely neglected as a child. I naturally tend towards the freeze response, so my alcoholic, crazy mother and my aloof, disinterested father didn't have any problems shoving me into a corner. I was quiet, forgiving, hoping for little bits of love. They didn't give me any idea of self-esteem or self-protection.
I was always scared of other children's rejection. I was alone most of the time. Throughout school, there were many abusive, sadistic constellations where classmates and others delighted in how easy I was to hurt and unsettle. I was quiet, bewildered, frozen in terror. At home, my father didn't give a shit and my stepmother hated me in her quiet, passive-aggressive ways. They failed me so badly. I got severely, severely, deeply, darkly depressed.
I'm 32 now and have been in various forms of therapy for 13 years, multiple hospitalizations. My current therapy has been going on for 5 years. Yet the trauma only seems to be intesifying. This is definitely the worst it's ever been. I'm mostly cowering at home. Whenever I'm confronted with cruelty, aggression or rejection, I feel more stunned, terrified and helpless. I feel intensely violated and threatened by the smallest things, like I have no skin. Nothing is safe. I get shocks running through me every time the male neighbor next door is talking loudly - something in his voice... When they're clacking their forks on their plates. When there's a subwoofer thumping somewhere. When tires are screeching outside.
Is my mind finally cracking? I can't express the groundless, nameless horror. This is hell. I don't know what to do, I've tried to kill myself numerous times during the last 15 years, I desperately want this nightmare to end. So exhausted. I don't know what to do.
I've been severely neglected as a child. I naturally tend towards the freeze response, so my alcoholic, crazy mother and my aloof, disinterested father didn't have any problems shoving me into a corner. I was quiet, forgiving, hoping for little bits of love. They didn't give me any idea of self-esteem or self-protection.
I was always scared of other children's rejection. I was alone most of the time. Throughout school, there were many abusive, sadistic constellations where classmates and others delighted in how easy I was to hurt and unsettle. I was quiet, bewildered, frozen in terror. At home, my father didn't give a shit and my stepmother hated me in her quiet, passive-aggressive ways. They failed me so badly. I got severely, severely, deeply, darkly depressed.
I'm 32 now and have been in various forms of therapy for 13 years, multiple hospitalizations. My current therapy has been going on for 5 years. Yet the trauma only seems to be intesifying. This is definitely the worst it's ever been. I'm mostly cowering at home. Whenever I'm confronted with cruelty, aggression or rejection, I feel more stunned, terrified and helpless. I feel intensely violated and threatened by the smallest things, like I have no skin. Nothing is safe. I get shocks running through me every time the male neighbor next door is talking loudly - something in his voice... When they're clacking their forks on their plates. When there's a subwoofer thumping somewhere. When tires are screeching outside.
Is my mind finally cracking? I can't express the groundless, nameless horror. This is hell. I don't know what to do, I've tried to kill myself numerous times during the last 15 years, I desperately want this nightmare to end. So exhausted. I don't know what to do.
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