Maintaining Connection Between Sessions

[NightSky]

I've been with my T for a year and a half and feel a strange mix of attachment and fear of her. She's an extremely calming, centering presence when I'm with her. She has normalized so many things I used to feel meant I was crazy. I trust her. But I don't know how to feel safe enough with her to do the real work. Part of it is that between sessions she doesn't feel real. (Does this have to do with developmental trauma and attachment? I have no idea..) We talk about how to handle weekly situations that arise, or how to ride out symptoms that are intrusive, but then she's not there in any of them so I feel alone and abandoned. Rationally I don't expect her to be there and understand the relationship doesn't work that way. Another part of me can't help but feel immature feelings about it. I then walk into her office every week needing to re-establish the connection and the part that feels abandoned throughout the week I think feels angry at her, so there is a lot of emotional distance and resistance. Maybe 30 min into a 50 min session I start to feel connected again. I don't see how it can continue like this and be very productive. It feels like a hamster wheel. She does allow email and I use it occasionally. But only when really necessary as I am very big on respecting her boundaries. But I know a lot of people on here have said they aren't allowed to use email. So there must be a way, without mid-week contact, to maintain the connection. If it can be done, I can't figure out how. Any experience with this?

 

[Enaila]

I've been feeling the same way lately. I was thinking maybe I could put thoughts into a handwritten letter to her.....add to it as needed when things arise? It would be like writing to someone far away. What do you think?

 

[NightSky]

I've been feeling the same way lately. I was thinking maybe I could put thoughts into a handwritten let...

Would you give it to her? Or just keep it for yourself?

 

[sun seeker]

Maybe 30 min into a 50 min session I start to feel connected again.

Any possibility of longer sessions so you would have more productive time?

I'm also wondering if you could write out what you want to work on and either e-mail it to her ahead if you can bring yourself to do that, or bring it along and have one of you read it out loud. I don't know if that would help the connection, just an idea.

I have some similar problems, and it helps if the sessions are closer together. If too much time goes by between sessions my therapist stops feeling real to me and it takes longer to feel connected again. I gather you are having weekly sessions. Any chance you could go to twice weekly for a little while and see if that helps?

(Does this have to do with developmental trauma and attachment? I have no idea..)

I think it might be about lack of object permanence, which would point to developmental trauma before about 18 months. Could you ask your therapist about this? It might really help her to have that information so she can help you better.

I still struggle with what I am doing in therapy not carrying over into daily situations as well as I'd like. I think it might just take more time. But yes, it's very frustrating.

 

[NightSky]

Any possibility of longer sessions so you would have more productive time?

I'm also wondering if yo...

Object permanence is exactly what it reminds me of.
During difficult weeks I email in advance things I won't be able to bring up and she starts off the conversation. Those sessions are more productive. But I don't want to email every week.
She said she sometimes does 90 min sessions but not twice a week sessions as she only works three days a week. So I got the idea I can do 90 min here and there. But if it's not a regular thing I don't know how helpful it would be.
I never thought to ask her about her not feeling real. I'm afraid to admit any of this because it makes me feel so needy. :(

 

[Enaila]

Would you give it to her? Or just keep it for yourself?

I'd like to give it to her I think. I don't know for sure. I never mailed letter to my father I have written several times. I do trust my therapist. Last letter I wrote to someone regarding emotions set off a bunch of events, so not sure I could do it.

Maybe you could try a 90 minute session NightSky and see how it goes. I think I might ask if my therapist would do that. I don't like feeling needy either, but with a therapist it is their job to assist. My therapist says I may text her anytime and it scared me the first time I felt I needed to do it. Just knowing she is there to help is a relief.

 

[Tinyflame]

Just knowing she is there to help is a relief.

Yes.

 

[sun seeker]

So I got the idea I can do 90 min here and there. But if it's not a regular thing I don't know how helpful it would be.

Did she tell you it couldn't be a regular thing, or are you assuming?

I'm afraid to admit any of this because it makes me feel so needy. :(

Yes, of course. That's the fear just about everyone with developmental trauma has, because our need is in fact so great. I can guarantee she knows that.

My suggestion would be to tell her what you told us. You need more, but are afraid of feeling needy. Exploring that with her might open the doors to a very important part of your healing process.

 

[NightSky]

Well, we have talked a lot about my inability to access emotions, particularly in her office because I'm too in control there. And she said sometimes she does a 90 minute session and maybe we could schedule one sometime to see if with more time I could be less guarded. But it was definitely about a one time (maybe a few at most) thing to try.

I didn't consider discussing this w/her because it feels like something I should be able to figure out. (Doesn't every one else have almost the same set of circumstances in therapy?) and because I understand logically how the relationship works. I know it is not reasonable to expect her to be there more than she is.

@Enaila I can also text mine. And I like to think knowing she's there is enough. But I don't know what I would ever text. "Hey..just checking to see if you're real" :whistling:

 

[Enaila]

I agree with Sun Seeker about your therapist understanding. It took me three years of therapy before I felt like I could text her when I hit some of my lowest moments. I am just learning to believe I am worthy of being helped and not "needy." I often whine about how I am still in therapy, but my therapist tells me I will share more when I am ready and she is patient.

I often refer to this site when speaking with my therapist. Maybe pull up your post and let her read it?

 

[Denial-River]

I can also text mine. And I like to think knowing she's there is enough. But I don't know what I would ever text. "Hey..just checking to see if you're real" :whistling:

I ♥︎ this so much-it makes my heart giggle-thanks for sharing! hee hee! :whistling:

 

[Enaila]

Lol...actually if NightSky did text that, it might open the discussion for the next session. ;)