Maintaining Connection Between Sessions

[Panda Bear]

I've had similar issues, very early on in my treatment.

It does get easier and as you learn to trust more and let down your guard, you'll connect earlier and earlier in your sessions. I'd almost shy away from the 90min, as you need to be pushed some to connect faster. It's a good skill and as you stretch yourself and push a little, it will happen.

Now...I email weekly a list or recap of the week so that we can start quickly and not give me a chance to start to wall up and retreat. I like to know what's going to happen, where we are going and it was a great way for me to take control of our sessions and not feel blindsided by T. I needed to control and I needed to take the lead. As earlier on, I was such a basket case and needed him to just get my connection even for 10-15 out for the 55. As I grew, so did me taking over and that helps the connection happen faster for me.

As for the text....object permanence....needing to know T was out there and just feel closer? Yeah, that makes total sense! I'm allowed to text and at times I'll reach out and say "I'm going to be okay, right?" He always answers me and reaffirms with a "You've always been okay" or "You can do this" and other nice things. He almost never ignores a message from me.

 

[NightSky]

I've had similar issues, very early on in my treatment.

It does get easier and as you learn to tru...

These are good ideas. Thank you! Emails make me have to face things faster because she brings them up. Sometimes I use it as a crutch so I don't have to verbalize (therefore less chances of emotion, which makes me feel safer). So I'm trying to find that balance.

 

[Tinyflame]

So, do I understand this correctly, object permanence extends to people, relationships.. I'm guessing by extrapolation feelings, & to a certain extent recall of progress? (Thanks. :hug: )

I think there's also anxiety, can't focus or recall under too much fear or depression, fear of being a burden (or consequences) as i think @sun seeker said, self doubt. Etc.

 

[sun seeker]

So, do I understand this correctly, object permanence extends to people, relationships.

Yes. There's quite a bit of research on this, mostly in relation to BPD... which I hasten to add, I am not claiming the OP has; it's a term I don't use and very much hope will soon become obsolete as evidence mounts that it's just a manifestation of early trauma, but nevertheless, that's where you'll find the bulk of the research.

 

[sun seeker]

I didn't consider discussing this w/her because it feels like something I should be able to figure out. (Doesn't every one else have almost the same set of circumstances in therapy?) and because I understand logically how the relationship works. I know it is not reasonable to expect her to be there more than she is.

I've been trying to think how to answer this. The best I can come up with is this: understanding it logically isn't the same as feeling it, and logic won't get you very far with a pattern that most likely set in long before the logical part of the brain developed.

If knowing how we "should" feel were enough, we could just skip all the hard work of therapy. The work of getting you from A to Z, even if you know what you want Z to look like, is what your therapist is there to help you with.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @sun seeker . I must confess I don't feel things or people don't exist - though in rare moments I feel I wish it were a nightmare not reality- but I think it's subjective: feeling anything much is too much to ask (of anyone),

knowing how we "should" feel were enough,

Knowing how I feel is I feel they don't care/ are bothered/ aren't required.

Also, I think anxiety/ constricxted thinking affects memory. Well I know it does / fight-or-flight.

Thanks. :hug:

 

[NightSky]

I don't have BPD. And maybe I'm not explaining it well as I *know* she exists. But she doesn't feel like a real part of my life. She's the one (gently) pushing me through processing of trauma and the only one I talk to about it, so when I'm in there with her it's a lot to take in, and then sit with all week feeling very lonely in it. Like, ok you have me digging up and exposing all of these things and then there I am trying to figure out what to do with it all week. And I can't conjure up a feeling of attachment or support when I'm not with her. I feel it when I'm with her. But that's so little time. So it feels like an attachment issue to me. But I can't be sure.
@sun seeker thanks for this: "If knowing how we "should" feel were enough, we could just skip all the hard work of therapy." really good point. It's very easy for us to be hard on ourselves during this process, I guess!

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe it's all the fear? :(

 

[Abstract]

Hi nightsky,

Thanks for sharing. Great suggestions for you and I hope something helps.

I relate to what you describe and I am trying to figure out how much. I had not thought of what I experience as object impermanence. I've never thought that was an issue for me. I need to think about it more. I have absolutely thought of it as an attachment issue.

This is the way I tend to describe it for me: A huge lack of trust and its as if the door has been closed to me speaking or sharing for my whole life. That sort of vulnerability and connection. In therapy I painstakingly attempt to open that door mm by mm. If I am able to get some way then time away from the person means the door closes immediately and I am back to square one. I have used posting online or writing as an attempt to wedge a toe in the doorway and prevent it closing completely with a tiny bit of success.

In the last lot of therapy I had I usually only managed to speak 2 or so sentences in the entire hour. I've seen all the theories and concerns about having therapy too often and how that is likely to make the person dependent. That isn't an issue for me. Its actually speaking and trusting enough to continue sharing or connecting and ultimately processing the trauma that is. I have thought it would probably need me to be somewhere having daily connection to really get somewhere. Or at the least twice weekly. I have never done that before.

A big part of the problem is that I seem to have connected telling people things to increased threat to myself. There is the belief (not thought out and rather instinctual) it will be used against me at some point. Hypervigilance mostly. And a need for independence. Telling someone I need to have therapy more than once a week seems impossible.

I did try once. I had been seeing the therapist for 5 years and looking back it is astonishing how little I shared (even though I was totally dedicated and working very hard). We had hit an issue in t and yet I just could not discuss it and only started by the end of the session. Not because of assertiveness and rather because of this connection problem. Also not because of lack of worth etc. I asked for a double session and asked to send her an email but she said no to both.

Obviously a little different to yours and I hope it doesn't feel off topic. I thought someone sharing similar ish problems may help you feel less alone. I'm interested in seeing what you discuss here and really hope you find a way through it.

It sounds like a lot of this is being unable to self care after or internalise a sense of her care to keep with you till the next session. Is that the case? It feels she has has abandoned you to process the pain on your own. Do you feel that could be part of processing the original abandoment trauma? Re experiencing it?

 

[NightSky]

Hi nightsky,

Thanks for sharing. Great suggestions for you and I hope something helps.

I relate to wh...

I love your door analogy. That's perfect. But I wonder why the connection goes away? For me it feels like I don't believe she cares. Which is absurd because she's one of the most caring people I've met.
If I asked for a double session or an email and she said no, I don't know how I would be able to handle that. It would feel like such extreme rejection. Did it feel like that for you?
With my former therapist of two years, 8 years ago, it never occurred to me to email her. I didn't feel a need for her and didn't feel a connection. It was strictly cerebral and I dissociated through the whole thing which I'm learning now was quite detrimental. I just didn't recognize it.
This therapist is bringing out all kinds of childish needs and wants and it's throwing me for a major loop.
You're right that I can't internalize a sense of her care. And I'm learning that's what we are supposed to do. I'm not sure how to tell if it's re-experiencing the original trauma. That's something I hadn't considered.

 

[Abstract]

Reading your thread has started me asking the same question for myself! I relate your experience of being purely in a cerebral and dissociated place with your previous t. and not realising it. In fact I did it with this t I mentioned up until the end (through 5 years of therapy with her and others before) and when I started figuring out what was happening she wasn't able to hear it.

Oh it ended really badly for me and I have never fully recovered from it I'm afraid. About more than I have discussed here. It confirmed my total belief that it isn't safe to trust people or ask for help. Maybe there is rejection feelings in there and I am still too protected to feel them or acknowledge them if that makes sense. Its rather a dont speak dont trust belief.

It sounds like its possible you could be experiencing transference with her at least. You are connected enough to care and are not dissociated as you were before. That could be a positive thing if you can get through this and if she is able to hear and understand as well as finding a way through this. Its terrifying isn't it? Those moments can either dismantle the bad and create amazing growth or retraumatise us if handled badly.

How do you feel about those needs and wants? I have heard that with attachment pain its best to let yourself sit with it and accept it and acknowledge where it comes from and mourn it - that original harm. I'm not an expert though. Shall be listening and thinking about this. I hope you find some way to bring this up with her. Yes I know: :nailbiting:

 

[sun seeker]

I don't have BPD.

You did see where I said emphatically that I am not saying you do... right? Just that if you want to read the research on object permanence in relationships, that is the most likely place to find it? I wish it weren't so, but there is very little out there on attachment disorders as they affect adults. Look up attachment disorders and you'll find the bulk of what is available is about children. What happens to those children after they grow up? Seems like an obvious question, but there is a gap in terms of continuity. Once people reach adulthood with untreated attachment disorders caused by developmental trauma, one of the most common labels is BPD. It galls me to no end. I could write an essay on how much it galls me, but I'll spare you. It's just that if you want to see that you aren't alone in what you are describing, that is the most likely place you are going to find it.

I'd strongly suggest telling her about this problem and asking for suggestions on how to internalize her caring. I'd love to hear what she says. I have some similar struggles, though it's gotten better over time - but my therapist and I do talk about this. With a former therapist I did just as you did before and kept my distance - I had the idea I could talk about my problems and she could help me with them without ever becoming emotionally involved.

Can I just say, it didn't work? ;)

The unmet childhood needs you are experiencing are what is supposed to happen in therapy. The only way through this is... well... through. Facing it, talking about it, working with it. It's not the kind of thing you can talk yourself out of.