You know, during my PTSD course four years ago, they told us that even once you get a grip on managing your PTSD, there will still be the times where you crash and burn.
The problem is this. Once you are diagnosed and start taking the medication, and going to therapy and learning about the dreaded disorder, things start to improve.
Early on, the periods of feeling great only last a few days then you hit rock bottom again, just like surfing a wave. Its also like climbing the rungs of a ladder. You keep climbing and every now and then, a rung breaks and you fall down a bit.
Later on, you manage to surf the wave for weeks and sometimes months, or manage to climb a long way out of the hole, but when you crash, its like hitting a reef or a shit load of rungs on the ladder breaking. I hope your understanding this.
ANZAC day is coming up and I am getting the jitters already. Its also just gone five years since I returned home. I am proud that I served, but don't think I can handle going down to the dawn service.
I want to say a few quiet words for my father who served in WWII, one of my Grandfathers who served in WWI, my other grandfather who served in WWII, and my father-in-law who served in Vietnam. They are all gone now and I have no one to share it with.
I am also starting to tear up remembering a couple of my mates who have gone, and a couple of my US mates that I made in Iraq who just one night did not come back from a patrol. So many people gone.
I have never felt more alone.
I don't know whether Margaret understands, I tried to explain it but just snapped at her. Now I am pissed off at myself for snapping at her, its not her fault. She did nothing wrong. I am just scared she will evade me and I don't want that either.
I am actually glad as I have therapy tomorrow. Tonight my skin is crawling. I want to isolate, but I have chosen a life with Margaret now. f*ck its hard.
Time to get off for a bit.
The problem is this. Once you are diagnosed and start taking the medication, and going to therapy and learning about the dreaded disorder, things start to improve.
Early on, the periods of feeling great only last a few days then you hit rock bottom again, just like surfing a wave. Its also like climbing the rungs of a ladder. You keep climbing and every now and then, a rung breaks and you fall down a bit.
Later on, you manage to surf the wave for weeks and sometimes months, or manage to climb a long way out of the hole, but when you crash, its like hitting a reef or a shit load of rungs on the ladder breaking. I hope your understanding this.
ANZAC day is coming up and I am getting the jitters already. Its also just gone five years since I returned home. I am proud that I served, but don't think I can handle going down to the dawn service.
I want to say a few quiet words for my father who served in WWII, one of my Grandfathers who served in WWI, my other grandfather who served in WWII, and my father-in-law who served in Vietnam. They are all gone now and I have no one to share it with.
I am also starting to tear up remembering a couple of my mates who have gone, and a couple of my US mates that I made in Iraq who just one night did not come back from a patrol. So many people gone.
I have never felt more alone.
I don't know whether Margaret understands, I tried to explain it but just snapped at her. Now I am pissed off at myself for snapping at her, its not her fault. She did nothing wrong. I am just scared she will evade me and I don't want that either.
I am actually glad as I have therapy tomorrow. Tonight my skin is crawling. I want to isolate, but I have chosen a life with Margaret now. f*ck its hard.
Time to get off for a bit.
