Moving Forward With Sexual Difficulties

[Lucycat]

Yes Bin, it is very sad. But the great thing is that now I know. Not just that I have a reason for my behaviour, for my sometimes odd reactions, for the fact that I struggle with sex, but also the diagnosis of CTSD gives me something to work with and a sense that I can move forward with this. I don't have to stay stuck forever. I know that it is real hard work and there are ups and downs. There will be times when I just want to give up, but I have always been the sort of person to tackle a challenge head on.

After living in denial for so many years, I now have a good support network. One that I would never have believed existed a year ago.

Back at the beginning of the year, one of my discussions with my T. led me to share with him, that in my dreams I had always been able to fly. If the going got tough up I went out of the situation. He said this was classic PTSD behaviour. Since starting therapy I had been 'grounded', in that I had lost the ability to fly any more. He said that now I am safe and don't need to fly. However last night, it came back - but with a difference. For the first time ever I was flying with somebody each side of me. I was not alone up there any more. I was strangely comforting. Not an escape route, but more of a sightseeing trip! My husband has always laughed at me relating my flying dreams to him, but neither of us had an inkling to its aetiology.

 

[Bin]

That's great news and yes, it would seem to indicate a quantum leap in your recovery. Knowing for me has made all the difference, as it empowers me, though of course it is tainted with knowledge that is less welcome, specifically all the losses my PTSD has led to.

 

[brokenchild]

I've been following this thread and can relate to a lot of what was said. Before I started talking about everything, I was okay with sex and sexual activity. Now, well, I'm less than trilled and don't get any pleasure out of it anyway. I do it to please my partner, that's it.

Nothing to really add, just here to say you're not alone. I know you know that already.

 

[Bin]

Hi Brokenchild, that's sad. Sex is a huge part of being human - but that's the problem. If something has happened to make sex a 'bad thing' it is very hard to get over as any sexual experience thereafter is all too often associated with feelings of guilt, shame and traumatic memories. This, of course, is not how it should be - it is quite possible for adult survivors to 'learn' to enjoy sex for the intensely pleasurable experience it can - and should - be. But it takes time and a whole lot of proactive therapy and intellectualisation (by that I mean consciously challenging the cognitive assumptions etc associated with the index trauma). Don't give up...

 

[Lucycat]

Thanks Brokenchild. You get it exactly. yes, healing from the trauma has certainly taken its toll on me sexually. Just as you say there is no pleasure in it any more.However I have faith in what Bin has put above;

it is quite possible for adult survivors to 'learn' to enjoy sex for the intensely pleasurable experience it can - and should - be.

I am finding that I am putting a lot of energy into this for a while and then give up. But after a rest I am forcing myself back to work. I don't know how long it will take, or if I will ever feel that I have reached a point where I am happy with my lot. I just know that this, as I am now, is not acceptable to me.

I think of it as a bit like dieting - no-one else can do it for you however much you might want. People can give advice, support and words of wisdom from their experience. No-one else can do the actual work and healing for me.

 

[Lucycat]

Not a lot of action in this over the past month. Too many distractions.

I have retrieved the book from the flood waters in my house so can start to look at it again. I might as well use this time productively if I can...

 

[Lucycat]

Hmm, don't know what I was thinking.

Have not actually opened the book at all.

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't know about you Lucy, but I need everything perfect for any type of sexual relations. I would imagine things to be a bit different for you since you are married (where as I being single can run far away from any sexual expectations), but still, I think anyone with a history of sexual assault needs everything to be 'just so', for good sexual relations. You've had a hell of a lot to deal with already this year, and all those things take their toll. Sex is generally much more emotive for females than it is for males. You will get round to it, when the time is right for you.

 

[Nyx]

Lucy, could you tell me which book you consider to have helped you more?

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Nyx,
The book I am using is;
The Survivor's Guide to Sex ( how to have an empowered sex life after child sexual abuse) by Staci Haines.

It is hard work and a very, very slow process. However I assume others get through it at a faster pace, depending on what suits them. I do think it is a good book and is easy to read.Sometimes I feel inclined to keep on reading and not undertake the exercises, but I know I must. Bit like trying to get out of homework when you were at school and still thinking you are going to get good grades!!Link Removed

 

[Nyx]

Link Removed I can see myself trying that too, getting out of the homework.. I'll see if I can find the book, it's time to do something about this area too.

 

[Lucycat]

Please do get the book.
It would be really good to have a 'buddy' who is working through the same exercises etc. Would you do that?
There are some things that I think 'I'm not sure what that means' and it would be good to get another opinion.

I got it on Amazon- could never go into a bookshop and ask for it!!!