My Bully Neighbor Is Triggering Me

[zeropoint]

I live in a building that has an upper apartment and a lower apartment. My unit is the upstairs one. I like the apartment a lot, but I really do not like the downstairs tenant.

On several occasions, including just a few minutes ago, he has completely yelled at me. He has never once been nice or introduced himself or anything positive; we only communicate when he yells. Tonight he was yelling because delivery drivers mistakenly come to his door sometimes when I order food, which is, of course, not my fault.

I have a lot of trauma around awful living situations, so when I feel attacked in my living space, I usually decompensate pretty quickly. I am super upset right now and scared, but I am also trying to figure out a good way to deal with this issue. He seems to be on such a hair trigger that I really don't feel like he would be reasonable if I just said I wasn't going to take his abuse. I thought about asking my landlord to step in, but I don't know if that would backfire. Also, my landlord is a super laid-back, mild-mannered guy and probably wants to avoid conflict.

I would really appreciate it if anyone here had helpful words for this situation; I don't want to have to be scared in my home yet again.

 

[mamachick]

Your neighbor sounds like a hot head idiot. If he senses a reaction out of you, it may fuel him to continue. I cant think of any really good solutions. He does not sound capable of being reasonable. If he comes to your door for anything, you could not answer if you have a peep hole, or if you dont, just shut it as soon as you see him. If he catches you outside, you could smile at him and walk away. I know that you would probably feel just as upset, but if he cant get a reaction out of you, maybe he will stop.

 

[Nomad81]

Really don't like bullies. Confrontations usually amp up my anxiety and trigger my Fight mode. Generally takes about 2 hours or so for me to relax, breathe, and try to think about what the other guy was going through...such as relationship, financial or work problems. Even though I don't know what the person is going through it makes me feel better after imagining their daily drama and then trying to recognize them as a fellow human (who may also have PTS) instead of a threat.

Good advice from brat17. Try not to react because I bet you he's bothered by something that has nothing to do with you.

 

[Hashi]

I've had to deal with two different bullies at work whose first reaction to everything was to yell. The best approach I tried was to not respond to the content of their yelling, instead to say calmly and neutrally, "[Name], you're shouting".

I got this from a book and I was surprised how effective this was. In one case, the person hotly denied it because he was in denial about his poor behaviour. But it shocked him to be told it, and although he didn't admit it he started paying attention to how he was talking to me. After that, we could have a more balanced discussion about his grievance and there were further strategies that helped me with that.

In the other case, the person actually knew she was shouting and when I neutrally pointed it out to her she was ashamed. Although still agitated and defensive, she was also abashed.

In both cases, they were yelling because of their poor emotional regulation skills and lack of practice at dealing with another person in any other way. When we did talk about their grievance without them yelling, I found it helpful to think about Transactional Analysis (that we interact with each other in patterns like adult to adult, or parent to child, or child to child). http://www.ericberne.com/transactional-analysis/. I find it frustrating to have to try to manage other people's messed up emotional responses as well as my own, but it was useful to understand that they were falling into a child or parent role and therefore to be prepared for that.

I also used strategies called bridging language (language that isn't negative or judgemental, so for example making points without using phrases like "I understand BUT..." or "You're being unreasonable") and assertiveness techniques.

Another very effective thing I learned to say to a bully is, "What would you like me to do?" It's a powerful way to get them to look at the situation more reasonably - there's a limit to how much control you have over delivery people ringing the wrong bell, and they will have to admit that if you ask them what specific actions they want you to take. At the same time, they may have a suggestion that you could implement - such as putting a note next to the doorbells if that's feasible - that would satisfy them.

It's really helpful to practise these approaches with someone, by doing role plays. It's useful to try both parts - to also play the part of the yelling person hearing these things being said to them. When I tried that, as the yelling person, I got stuck for what to say next. It was good to know that. It gave me more confidence in using the techniques when being yelled at.

I would hesitate before bringing your landlord into it. It's possible that your landlord is already aware from his own interactions with your neighbour and possibly from previous complaints from others. I did a lot of reading about bullies and one thing I read that made sense was that going to a person who should sort it out rarely has a good outcome. By definition, they are people who have already avoided the issue and don't intend to deal with it.

In the end, yelling people are toxic and the more you can avoid them the better. Where there is a direct interaction, though, I found the above useful to deal with particular situations. Dealing with bullies is draining and I think the best we can hope for is to be largely left alone. If you can manage a couple of calm, assertive interactions with him then I think he's more likely to keep away from you - I hope so anyway.

 

[shandemonium]

This might not be therapy advice, but I live in the hood and have had more crackhead neighbors yell at me than you can imagine so here goes:

What if you paid a big scary-looking dude to bang on his door and give him the "if you ever yell at my girl again etc..." and get in his face and scare the shit out of him. Then record some sound bites of this same guy yelling (to blast from your apt from time to time on your stereo) and send him on his way. It's like people with fake barking dog sounds to scare burglars. It works.

Or you go and confront him with big scary guy standing right behind you.

Men who yell at female neighbors are little bitch-made weak people who need to feel strong (like all bullies). I hate that this is true but it does work.

I had to look for my dog once after 3 crackheads called me and said he was dead, they buried him, and demanded money. I am a tiny girl and had to go out in the railroad tracks of east Oakland on dead-end trails asking what happened to my dog. The only time I got any real info is when I had 4 big mexican dudes behind me. I never did get my dog back though :( (PS I hate where I live!)

Anyways, things are different in the hood. I don't know where you live but sometimes a big scary guy is the answer unfortunately...

 

[zeropoint]

Thank you all for your suggestions--a lot of good things to think about. I think if I have a plan, I will feel much better. I just need to figure out a plan that I could be prepared to implement whenever.

shandemonium, that is beyond awful about your dog. I am so sorry.