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Sufferer My neighbor broke both my legs

Humans are an incredibly adaptive, resilient species. You're 5 months into this, getting advice from people who have been disabled for decades. It can be difficult for us to remember exactly how much we suffered and struggled and raged when it first happened. When I was a child I was tortured for 5 years, and wound up with multiple permanent disabilities including a bad leg.

I spent 2 years going from a wheelchair, to walker, crutches, forearm, then a cane, and now I can walk but I still have my cane for bad days. Additionally I have a traumatic brain injury with cortical visual impairment and of course, PTSD. I've had 2 reconstructive surgeries on my face and reproductive organs. I can't remember being angry -- this was a way of life for me from the time I was a very small child, so my sense of ethics and justice was impaired.

It still often just feels like these things "happened to" me at random. Decades later, I have to remind myself that no, this was done to me. On purpose. By adults, when I was a kid, because they enjoyed it. But I do remember the sense of loss. I was a highly active kid. Skateboarding, rollerblading, hockey, swimming, running. I lost the ability to do those things, and I have CRPS in my bad leg which causes severe chronic pain.

I don't have any advice. Every person is going to react to these things differently and you will find what strengthens you individually. For me, anger and resentment weren't helpful. It felt like swallowing poison and expecting my enemies to suffer. But the truth is, they don't care. They don't care if I'm mad. They don't care if I spend the rest of my life raging and screaming at them. In fact they'd probably get a kick out of it. So why give them more power over me?

But it's not to say that every form of anger is useless or misplaced. The medical neglect and our systems here in Canada are where I become legitimately furious. CRPS is one of the most painful conditions that exists, on par with amputation, childbirth and cancer. Yet even after showing up in the ER only once with intractable pain as an adult, I was treated like a junkie and refused even a Tylenol. Then the doctor laughed in my face and kicked me out. Now doctors here are offering MAID to everybody. The way our society treats disabled people is heavily dependent on the prerequisite for functional labor within the specter of capitalism.

This results in extremely eugenicist policies including literal euthanasia where we now have, world-wide, the most permissive euthanasia laws since 1930s Germany. Don't believe me, just look up how 1/3 of all Canadians are fine with euthanasia if the only issue is "homelessness." Yet somehow, if a homeless person asks for a house instead of being murdered this is supposedly controversial. One Canadian physician described euthanizing 400 people who didn't really need it, as their life's "most rewarding work." Yah, no shit.

That is the shit that still makes me angry. It is a systemic injustice against disabled people that is irrespective of how our disabilities happened, who caused them, what caused them or why. Every disabled person is united under the simple truth that the people in power would prefer us to die, so that we no longer burden them with the uncomfortable reality of our existence.

Do you believe in karma in situations where you have been unfairly wronged?
Karma is a religious tenet, and I am not part of that religion. Generally, in Buddhism, karma merely means "action -> consequence." So in a sense, it is something of a natural law: most actions have some form of reaction. Karma adds an additional layer which suggests these consequences manifest between iterations of one's spiritual reincarnation. But I know that this isn't what people mean when they talk about karma in the Western world.

Within the popular conception of karma, that people will eventually get their cosmic "just desserts," no. The adage we learn as children, that life isn't fair, is true. Most of my abusers are free while I languish in a room with severe physical and cognitive impairment that is unlikely to ever improve beyond where I've gotten now. The only thing you can actually control is yourself. How you react, your thoughts, your choices.

This is the only agency you have. Waiting around for the universe to balance it out is purposeless. I'm not sadistic and it would bring me no pleasure to cause my enemies pain, even though they caused me pain. I grew up being forced to hurt people, trafficked and indoctrinated into organized crime, etc. Pain is pain, it doesn't matter the reason. There is nothing rational about pain, and punishing them isn't going to make me non-disabled.

It's also not going to make them suddenly understand or care about how much they hurt me. Karma is just another way of removing my agency from the situation, because I don't have a religious or communal framework to support that worldview. There's nothing beneficial in it for me, so I disregard it entirely. Anger is a sign that injustice has happened, and you will learn to strike the balance between clear and purposeful self-advocacy over mindless rage as time, the Great Equalizer, unfolds.
 
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Thank you for your post, however, it made me sad, and so depressed.

I've kept fighting and yesterday finally managed for my statement to the police to be taken.

They then asked my witness questions about what she had seen but she was only there at the end to call an ambulance.

Now the case has been closed as no CCTV, and no witness of the actual event, I feel devasted.

All the time I hear the downstairs neighbour who did this laughing her off.

I go from anger to bursting into tears.

I feel alone, in physical pain with my legs. When I go down I go right down and hit bottom.

Any one some positive words when you feel beaten?
 
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