E
Emma12345
This has been bothering me more and more lately as I try to unpack my tendency to compulsively engage in risky sexual behavior with strangers, even though I don't get sexual satisfaction, purely as a way to prop up my self esteem. I have compulsively stripped/masturbated for old men on omegle since I was 15, gone out to bars alone in slutty outfits, had unprotected anal sex with men twice my age, put myself in life threatening situations, etc. and also to actively pretend like I'm enjoying things that hurt and/or give me no satisfaction, even with men who would gladly respect my boundaries if I told them.
Essentially, when I was little, probably anywhere from the ages of 4 to 9, my dad and I used to french kiss. It was just part of a playful "game" we used to play. I keep wondering though if he did more than just kiss me? I don't have hardly any memories from my childhood besides memories of school/friends. I don't remember my parents or my house or anything.
Anyway, I used to repeat the kissing thing by passionately making out and french kissing one of my female classmates in kindergarten. We did it all the time, almost compulsively, though in secret (somehow, we both knew it was "wrong" and needed to be hidden).
I know my my father's father (my grandfather) physically abused all the kids and raped his daughter (my aunt and my dad's sister) when she was very young. I've always wondered if he did something to my dad too because my mom always complains that he never wanted to have sex with her and also that he didn't want kids in the first place. My dad claims that he is asexual but he also once said that he thought he was gay and that he had hired a male prostitute to "f*ck him up the ass" (he later denied that that was true but knowing my dad, I think it could have been true). He just generally led a double life my mom and I did not know about for years until he confessed it all later. He'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night, go to bars, have affairs, do drugs etc. but pretended to be a regular family man the rest of the time.
Before high school I have very very few memories of home. I remember school and friends a little but I cannot remember hanging out with my family or really anything that happened. I have almost zero sense of a timeline and cannot pin down events to ages. Everything is a blur. I don't even really remember what my bedroom or hous(es) looked like. (Once, when we moved houses, we visited the old one a year after moving and my mom was alarmed because I couldn't remember what room used to be mine. I always wondered if that was like amnesia or something?)
Also, I've felt really awkward and anxious around him ever since adolescence. Even though he is way kinder to me than my mother, who can be pretty abusive if I'm being honest, I can't stand it when he shows me any affection, even just normal fatherly affection. I hate it when he touches me in any way or tells me he loves me or buys me gifts. My anxiety just shoots through the roof by looking at him and I cannot look him in the eye though I can't articulate why. My friends and my therapist have suggested I go and live with him when they hear about the abusiveness of my mother but I would never in a million years want to. I haven't even been able to talk to him on the phone in three years, even though I feel like I should. Just hearing his voice makes me cringe. The sweeter and more timid he sounds, the worse. I've only seen him a couple times in the past three years and every time I do my anxiety is so bad and I just feel so completely uncomfortable and want it to end. Even in high school, before my parents split, I begged my mom not to make me do anything alone with my dad. Even a car ride to school with him was so uncomfortable and I hated it. I'd have to force myself to be nice to him.
There are other signs. I'm sure many of these are just normal and I'm reading too much into it but I wanted to share anyways:
I used to have this very frequent burning/itching sensation around my genitals I remember vividly. It also often hurt to urinate and I remember my having yeast infections, though my mom says she doesn't remember this. It's gross to say, but it burned so bad sometimes I remember my mom would "blow" air on my privates, or else fan them, and the coolness would help me feel better for a moment. I also once remember my grandma putting this ointment on my genitals to help soothe some rash and she started telling me that if anyone else ever touched me here I should scream as loud as I could for help. I was also kicked out preschool for having accidents.
When I was VERY young, I used to have these bizarre "fantasies" and daydreams about being tied up and stripped of all my clothes and then verbally humiliated, usually in front a large crowd of people. I don't remember these fantasies being explicitly sexual, as in involving penetration, but they did involved being tied up with ones legs and arms spread far apart and the feeling I got when I thought about them was sexual arousal. The idea of being completely vulnerable, as well as humiliated, turned me on even as a very very young child (and still does). Whenever I played with my baby doll I used to take of its clothes and physically abuse it.
When my mom would work during the summer and leave me with my dad all day I'd cry and cry and cry as she was leaving. I felt soooo abandoned by her and sad. I'd do anything to keep her from leaving me. (I had extreme separation anxiety with my mother and can vividly remember how ANGRY and MISERABLE I was when she left me with either my dad or my grandparents). I used to be unable to sleep in my own bed/without my mom + lots of stuffed animals. I just couldn't do it. I hated sleeping without my mom. I remember once my punishment for drawing on the wall with a crayon was sleeping alone and I was so scared the whole night. I just sobbed and sobbed.
When I was in kindergarten I once, at school, drew a picture of my dad in the shower with a very visible penis (though not erect, if I'm remembering correctly). My mom was concerned when I showed it to her. I was also obsessed with drawing the naked female body with big large breasts and hips and their legs were always spread apart wide. I don't know where I would have seen this. I knew it was wrong though because I was very careful to hide the drawings from my parents. I'd tear them out of my notebook and throw them away as soon as I was done yet I couldn't stop. It felt compulsive and sexually arousing but also embarrassing and shameful.
Besides the french kissing thing, my dad did other very minor things that I hated, like hold me down and tickle me as I screamed and screamed. I used to shriek and scream at the top of my lungs "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!!!" and he wouldn't stop. He also used to crack/pop my does and I'd BEG him not to but he never listened. It actually hurt pretty badly when he did this and I'd get so mad at him but he loved it. He also used to playfully slap my butt, even when I was an adolescent, in a way that made me feel really uncomfortable, as well as stroke my hair in a way I couldn't stand but didn't know why. It made like an animal and he was "petting" me or something.
I also remember around this time (preschool to early elementary school) I used to fall out of the bed a lot. I'd wake up on the floor sometimes, and I think I'd have small cuts on my head and stuff from falling. Maybe I'm making this up but I vaguely remember my father coming into my room and telling me I'd fallen out of bed again? This could be entirely untrue. The weird thing is when I asked/told my mom about this she had absolutely ZERO memory of my falling out of the bed phase which I thought was a pretty big thing.
I've sort of cut off most contact with my dad after my parents split because I cannot stand him for some reason and my mom also doesn't really want me to have a relationship with him because she feels its a betrayal. Anyway, I recently found out he's been essentially cyber stalking me (i'm 22 by the way). Through looking at my activity on my email and facebook, I can see he has been logging into my email and facebook from his phone and computer (I know this because I can see the location and he lives in a different state than my mom and I). He logs in multiple times a day. It's really kind of weird to me.
Gosh, this was horrendously long and rambling. I guess if anyone could help me out here I'd be so grateful. I fear I might be going crazy. Does this sound like my dad could have abused me or am I just being crazy? If any kind soul took the time to read this you are a saint. It honestly just feels good to get it all out.
Essentially, when I was little, probably anywhere from the ages of 4 to 9, my dad and I used to french kiss. It was just part of a playful "game" we used to play. I keep wondering though if he did more than just kiss me? I don't have hardly any memories from my childhood besides memories of school/friends. I don't remember my parents or my house or anything.
Anyway, I used to repeat the kissing thing by passionately making out and french kissing one of my female classmates in kindergarten. We did it all the time, almost compulsively, though in secret (somehow, we both knew it was "wrong" and needed to be hidden).
I know my my father's father (my grandfather) physically abused all the kids and raped his daughter (my aunt and my dad's sister) when she was very young. I've always wondered if he did something to my dad too because my mom always complains that he never wanted to have sex with her and also that he didn't want kids in the first place. My dad claims that he is asexual but he also once said that he thought he was gay and that he had hired a male prostitute to "f*ck him up the ass" (he later denied that that was true but knowing my dad, I think it could have been true). He just generally led a double life my mom and I did not know about for years until he confessed it all later. He'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night, go to bars, have affairs, do drugs etc. but pretended to be a regular family man the rest of the time.
Before high school I have very very few memories of home. I remember school and friends a little but I cannot remember hanging out with my family or really anything that happened. I have almost zero sense of a timeline and cannot pin down events to ages. Everything is a blur. I don't even really remember what my bedroom or hous(es) looked like. (Once, when we moved houses, we visited the old one a year after moving and my mom was alarmed because I couldn't remember what room used to be mine. I always wondered if that was like amnesia or something?)
Also, I've felt really awkward and anxious around him ever since adolescence. Even though he is way kinder to me than my mother, who can be pretty abusive if I'm being honest, I can't stand it when he shows me any affection, even just normal fatherly affection. I hate it when he touches me in any way or tells me he loves me or buys me gifts. My anxiety just shoots through the roof by looking at him and I cannot look him in the eye though I can't articulate why. My friends and my therapist have suggested I go and live with him when they hear about the abusiveness of my mother but I would never in a million years want to. I haven't even been able to talk to him on the phone in three years, even though I feel like I should. Just hearing his voice makes me cringe. The sweeter and more timid he sounds, the worse. I've only seen him a couple times in the past three years and every time I do my anxiety is so bad and I just feel so completely uncomfortable and want it to end. Even in high school, before my parents split, I begged my mom not to make me do anything alone with my dad. Even a car ride to school with him was so uncomfortable and I hated it. I'd have to force myself to be nice to him.
There are other signs. I'm sure many of these are just normal and I'm reading too much into it but I wanted to share anyways:
I used to have this very frequent burning/itching sensation around my genitals I remember vividly. It also often hurt to urinate and I remember my having yeast infections, though my mom says she doesn't remember this. It's gross to say, but it burned so bad sometimes I remember my mom would "blow" air on my privates, or else fan them, and the coolness would help me feel better for a moment. I also once remember my grandma putting this ointment on my genitals to help soothe some rash and she started telling me that if anyone else ever touched me here I should scream as loud as I could for help. I was also kicked out preschool for having accidents.
When I was VERY young, I used to have these bizarre "fantasies" and daydreams about being tied up and stripped of all my clothes and then verbally humiliated, usually in front a large crowd of people. I don't remember these fantasies being explicitly sexual, as in involving penetration, but they did involved being tied up with ones legs and arms spread far apart and the feeling I got when I thought about them was sexual arousal. The idea of being completely vulnerable, as well as humiliated, turned me on even as a very very young child (and still does). Whenever I played with my baby doll I used to take of its clothes and physically abuse it.
When my mom would work during the summer and leave me with my dad all day I'd cry and cry and cry as she was leaving. I felt soooo abandoned by her and sad. I'd do anything to keep her from leaving me. (I had extreme separation anxiety with my mother and can vividly remember how ANGRY and MISERABLE I was when she left me with either my dad or my grandparents). I used to be unable to sleep in my own bed/without my mom + lots of stuffed animals. I just couldn't do it. I hated sleeping without my mom. I remember once my punishment for drawing on the wall with a crayon was sleeping alone and I was so scared the whole night. I just sobbed and sobbed.
When I was in kindergarten I once, at school, drew a picture of my dad in the shower with a very visible penis (though not erect, if I'm remembering correctly). My mom was concerned when I showed it to her. I was also obsessed with drawing the naked female body with big large breasts and hips and their legs were always spread apart wide. I don't know where I would have seen this. I knew it was wrong though because I was very careful to hide the drawings from my parents. I'd tear them out of my notebook and throw them away as soon as I was done yet I couldn't stop. It felt compulsive and sexually arousing but also embarrassing and shameful.
Besides the french kissing thing, my dad did other very minor things that I hated, like hold me down and tickle me as I screamed and screamed. I used to shriek and scream at the top of my lungs "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!!!" and he wouldn't stop. He also used to crack/pop my does and I'd BEG him not to but he never listened. It actually hurt pretty badly when he did this and I'd get so mad at him but he loved it. He also used to playfully slap my butt, even when I was an adolescent, in a way that made me feel really uncomfortable, as well as stroke my hair in a way I couldn't stand but didn't know why. It made like an animal and he was "petting" me or something.
I also remember around this time (preschool to early elementary school) I used to fall out of the bed a lot. I'd wake up on the floor sometimes, and I think I'd have small cuts on my head and stuff from falling. Maybe I'm making this up but I vaguely remember my father coming into my room and telling me I'd fallen out of bed again? This could be entirely untrue. The weird thing is when I asked/told my mom about this she had absolutely ZERO memory of my falling out of the bed phase which I thought was a pretty big thing.
I've sort of cut off most contact with my dad after my parents split because I cannot stand him for some reason and my mom also doesn't really want me to have a relationship with him because she feels its a betrayal. Anyway, I recently found out he's been essentially cyber stalking me (i'm 22 by the way). Through looking at my activity on my email and facebook, I can see he has been logging into my email and facebook from his phone and computer (I know this because I can see the location and he lives in a different state than my mom and I). He logs in multiple times a day. It's really kind of weird to me.
Gosh, this was horrendously long and rambling. I guess if anyone could help me out here I'd be so grateful. I fear I might be going crazy. Does this sound like my dad could have abused me or am I just being crazy? If any kind soul took the time to read this you are a saint. It honestly just feels good to get it all out.