My gay boyfriend's son makes me feel furious

[alexpritzz3234]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. Feel too overwhelmed and energyless to post an introductory post, so decided to act upon a triggering situation when it occurs.

For the last 6 years I've been in a polyamorous relationship with my boyfriend, who is 35 years older than me. He gave me also an amazing re-parenting experience, restored faith in trust and love and has shown me unconditional acceptance and kindness.
On my uni holidays I usually visit him and his husband, as their house is my perfect safe space. They have a teenage daughter with one of the other partners (a trans-guy, to clarify it; I'm a genderfluid person as well), whom I adore and have proper communication with. But 3 years ago there also came a son from another partner, another trans-guy.
I cannot stand being with this child sometimes. His crying, his loudness, his audacity to ask for his needs are driving me insane, even though I love children in general. I witness daily how he gets access to unconditional parental love, how he is constantly being hugged, calmed down and told he's loved; I see how all 3 parents are caring of him, how he never gets hit or even told anything brutal; all parents are super-empathetic towards him, they symphathise with his emotions and help him to live it throught. Let me call the boy XYZ for the simplicity of referrring.

For comparison, I was raised by a single mum and my grandma. For any loud noises, including crying (I remember it from age of 2-3 years old), I was either shouted at, humiliated verbally or being hit to "shut the f-k up". For any cry for help I was not only being refused, but also abused and being told what a burden I am, that I don't have the right to even ask for such things, even when I was asking for something crucial. I was that type of child who is left on their own to "cry it all out" for hours, I was told how manipulative and b*tchy I am for crying and asking for something.

When we are having dinners, at the end of each dinner XYZ asks for more. If he sees me or other people eating something that he doesn't have on the plate, he is instantly asking to also have this item on his plate just to try it out, and he never gets shouted on for that or punished. When I was doing the same, I instantly got either shouted on or punched, told which a fat *ss I am and how everyone sees my fattyness and ugliness. When XYZ's playing with his toys and bumping into objects, he's just been calmly asked not to bump on the full speed into the objects cause it may hurt him. When I was doing the same, my mum was screaming how I got to sit down because I always break furniture and cause issues. When XYZ cries, screams or asks for help, he's never being hit, he's always surrounded by care and help and being instantly calmed down and hugged.

I understand this is just my projection, most likely. That it's me being angry at my parents that they never gave me that kind of attitude. I also get angry on my boyfriend, that I'm not allowed to behave the way the child behaves and get everything that I want, and I don't understand emotionally if I'm being less valuable than a child. I, myself, was never valuable as a child. I was always a burden. I get angry at the husband of my boyfriend, that he, obviously, not being in a relationship with me, cares for the child's well being more, than for mine. I constantly feel like I'm "less than" or simply won't ever be as much valuable in anyone's eyes as XYZ is valuable for his parents. I hate this world, I hate this unfairness. I hate myself for having this thoughts and feelings.

But with all that understanding, I don't know what to do with my emotions. Sometimes I look at XYZ and I just want to smash him against the wall, make him cry even more when he cries, scream at him at the top of my lungs when he screams, so he'd be so scared he'd never open his mouth again. I understand I'm traumatized and just do a step back and isolate myself or cry when such emotions happen. I don't know what to do, would be happy to hear for your opinions and possible solutions that might be helpful. It hurts me so much.

 

[Movingforward10]

Clearly this is triggering for you. And we can all work on our triggers. The good parenting this (young?) child is getting is highlighting the abusive parenting you received as a child.
Have you worked on managing triggers before, and if so, what works for you?

But also, a big reality check is needed.
You are an adult. Not a child (I am assuming).
You are in an adult intimate relationship.
It is not for other adults to parent you.
As adults, we don't get parented.
It sounds like you are blurring the lines of adult love and parental love.
Why on earth would either your partner or their husband put you before their child? If they did, I would be worried about their parenting.

It's good you recognise that your feelings and thoughts are a problem. They need working on.
We all have things we need to work on hence being on this site.
It can all be better. But that comes from hard internal work to change your thoughts, despite your feelings.

 

[KA60]

I am new to this group but it seems you are in a very stressful environment that is not likely to change perhaps unless you recognize triggers and patterns and change your responses.

 

[Rose White]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing

I understand I'm traumatized and just do a step back and isolate myself or cry when such emotions happen.

But also you can work through these feelings with the right therapist. I think it is wise of you not to try to work through it with your boyfriend. Hoping you find a good therapist where you can let this part work it out.

 

[alexpritzz3234]

Clearly this is triggering for you. And we can all work on our triggers. The good parenting this (young?) child is getting is highlighting the abusive parenting you received as a child.
Have you worked on managing triggers before, and if so, what works for you?

But also, a big reality check is needed.
You are an adult. Not a child (I am assuming).
You are in an adult intimate relationship.
It is not for other adults to parent you.
As adults, we don't get parented.
It sounds like you are blurring the lines of adult love and parental love.
Why on earth would either your partner or their husband put you before their child? If they did, I would be worried about their parenting.

It's good you recognise that your feelings and thoughts are a problem. They need working on.
We all have things we need to work on hence being on this site.
It can all be better. But that comes from hard internal work to change your thoughts, despite your feelings.

Thanks so much for your reply! As about managing triggers, usually I go through intense grief (self compassionate crying, shouting out anger with my therapist on the sessions, a lot of crying really), also trying to recognise with memory from my own life is the core memory for trigger and work through EMDR therapy and cognitive core work. Although this usually takes weeks, but now I have pretty limited amount of time and need to somehow cope with intense emotions and pain in the moment.
I agree that we, as adults, usually don't get parented, but in this particular relationship with my bf we roleplay "daddy/little" pattern, even beyond the roleplay, he usually treats me as his sub/little. Ofc I understand that this is different situation from parental relations with young child, like almost a baby (XYZ is 3 years old). But that triggers me into "I'll never be as valuable as a child. I'm always gonna lose, hence I'm not really needed. If there're children, they will always be chosen instead of me, I'm worthless, I won't be loved sincerely, adult love is never about being safe and truly loved". That I'm not really needed and should just erase myself from ppl's lives.
I do this hard internal work, thank you for the words of support. I also believe it's gonna get better. Ofc, these thoughts and emotions are problematic for me, because they hurt me a lot, even though I don't act out on it and so on.
It's just so painful to realize my own pain and guilt and abandoment. I never was in such situation before, but as I was progressing with therapy and so on, it became acute and relevant. And even remembering my own experience becomes pain, especially those experiences I had under 3 years old.

 

[alexpritzz3234]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing

But also you can work through these feelings with the right therapist. I think it is wise of you not to try to work through it with your boyfriend. Hoping you find a good therapist where you can let this part work it out.

Oh yeah, I'm having an amazing relationship and safe environment built with my therapist, it's just that this situation occured when my therapist is on their 10 days vacation, but it's pretty intense for me, so I decided to seek for help. But of course I'm gonna work on this issue in therapy. Thank you for your kind reply!

 

[Movingforward10]

But that triggers me into "I'll never be as valuable as a child. I'm always gonna lose, hence I'm not really needed. If there're children, they will always be chosen instead of me, I'm worthless, I won't be loved sincerely, adult love is never about being safe and truly loved".

It's toxic shame rearing it's head. Where it just makes the whole of you not worthy. When all of that isn't actually true. Despite it feeling like it.

In times like that, it can help to give yourself counter messages , even if you don't believe them (and it takes time to believe them).

You were valuable as a child. You just weren't treated like you were.
That's a counter messages you can give yourself.

It can start to help you not loose your whole self when you see this 3 year old being parented. Working towards holding space for XYZ and your inner child at the same time. Just because XYZ is getting attention doesn't mean you don't. Their worth doesn't negate yours.
Both can be worthy at the same time and both be treated differently, because you are different (they are an actual child and you are an adult, despite the role plays).

Do the roleplays need boundaries around them? I might be bringing in my own stuff here, because I brought negative things in to kinks and no longer do any of that. I found there was an adhesive where it came unhealthy. It might all be fine for you, I'm just holding caution because of my past.

 

[alexpritzz3234]

It's toxic shame rearing it's head. Where it just makes the whole of you not worthy. When all of that isn't actually true. Despite it feeling like it.

In times like that, it can help to give yourself counter messages , even if you don't believe them (and it takes time to believe them).

You were valuable as a child. You just weren't treated like you were.
That's a counter messages you can give yourself.

It can start to help you not loose your whole self when you see this 3 year old being parented. Working towards holding space for XYZ and your inner child at the same time. Just because XYZ is getting attention doesn't mean you don't. Their worth doesn't negate yours.
Both can be worthy at the same time and both be treated differently, because you are different (they are an actual child and you are an adult, despite the role plays).

Do the roleplays need boundaries around them? I might be bringing in my own stuff here, because I brought negative things in to kinks and no longer do any of that. I found there was an adhesive where it came unhealthy. It might all be fine for you, I'm just holding caution because of my past.

Could you please explain on this precise example what exactly is toxic shame? I'm familiar with the concept and had read about it, but I still can't really get what is it exactly and how it manifests, and because of the struggle to define and recognise it for myself, I'm often being mislead as if I don't have any toxic shame episodes, which messes up with the healing process.

Also thanks so so much for the idea about counter messages! I haven't thought of that before. The counter-message "I was valuable, even though I wasn't treated like I was" is actually so relieving... I felt some kind of relax even in my muscles when I read it at first in your post. But then I also feel anger due to unfairness - if I wasn't ever "less worthy" of love and respect, if I was valuable as a child, why did I get that treatment I got? I didn't deserve it, yet it happened with me. I suddently remembered, how at age 3yo I got onto the table and my grandma said "go f-ck yourself" and went away when I asked for help to get off, so I jumped backwards and got an intense head injury, I still have a scar on my skull's skin from the surgery I had to undergo. Remember just lying quietly in a puddle of my own blood, staring at the ceiling and numbing out... When XYZ barely scratches himself, he is momentarily surrounded by everyone, one parent is wiping his tears, other parent is hugging and holding him, third parent is asking what's wrong and talking to him... And I can't, I just can't get why does he deserve that kind of treatment while I at the same age was treated as trash. And now I will never have the opportunity to get loved as a child again, never actually bring to life this value I had as a kid to be seen and respected.

Idk, about all the kinky things and roleplays, I feel like it's a natural thing to perceive a partner who is younger than you for 35 years like a little one, even without the roleplay. Yep, there are some boundaries in the roleplay itself, in general I wouldn't say it bothers me.

 

[Rose White]

adult love is never about being safe and truly loved

Right

It's just so painful to realize my own pain and guilt and abandoment

Guilt about what?

I will never have the opportunity to get loved as a child

Right

if I was valuable as a child, why did I get that treatment I got

Your value is unrelated to how you were treated—it’s intrinsic

why does he deserve that kind of treatment while I at the same age was treated as trash

You both deserved that kind of treatment. Your recovery is the work of grieving that you didn’t get that and then giving it to yourself. No one, not your boyfriend or future boyfriends, can give you that. Even if XYZ weren’t there you would eventually feel unfulfilled by the role play and the relationship—XYZ is paradoxically your greatest gift currently for learning to tolerate and accept yourself unconditionally because his presence triggered your ability to see the problems that you named so well:

• Adult love is never about being safe and [unconditionally] loved.
• It’s painful to realize my [childhood trauma]
• I will never have the opportunity to get loved as a child

These are big uncomfortable problems. Seeing them means it’s *possible* to get through them.

 

[Movingforward10]

Could you please explain on this precise example what exactly is toxic shame?

I may not be able to fully articulate it as I have been learning it too. But, it's about your whole being, every single part of you, you seem worthless because you see a child being parented and cared for. You make all of you wrong, unlovable because of what you see in the here and now based on the past abuse you endured. I think when we have been abused as a child we are giving implicit and explicit messages that we are unloveable, worthless etc. we soak up the shame of that. We take on the shame of what the adults do, and we add more. It's shameful to not be loveable. However, those messages are not true. We were loveable. We deserved way more. The shame was never ever ours to hold and to carry.
I don't know if tha takes sense?

I think if you didn't hold this toxic shame you wouldn't have these thoughts about XYZ. I think if you worked through these feelings of shame, it might still sting to see someone get something you didn't, but you might not feel so worthless. It might just be a sad moment but then joy for XYX that they are loved. If that makes any sense.

The counter-message "I was valuable, even though I wasn't treated like I was" is actually so relieving...

It's great how counter messages can give relief. You might find a lot more for yourself. I'm glad this one has made you feel like that.

But then I also feel anger due to unfairness - if I wasn't ever "less worthy" of love and respect, if I was valuable as a child, why did I get that treatment I got?

And anger is good. It is part of the grieving process. Because it is anger inducing.

And I can't, I just can't get why does he deserve that kind of treatment while I at the same age was treated as trash.

I'm sorry you didn't. It was unfair and unjust.

And now I will never have the opportunity to get loved as a child again, never actually bring to life this value I had as a kid to be seen and respected.

This is true. Little child you will never get what you needed. I'm currently learning to give that to my child parts. It's hard and it's a lot of grief. And we can never fully make up for what we never had. But we can learn to shift the blame and responsibility to the adults who harmed, and learn to know how that little child you was always loveable, always worthy, always in need.
Sometimes when I am triggered, I just stroke my arm or something similar. My child part likes pshycial affection as it soothes them. Maybe doing something like that when the jealousy builds when XYZ gets attuned parenting, it might help your child parts know that you recognise they need something in that moment and that you can give it to them.?

 

[alexpritzz3234]

Right

I feel like I need to clarify what did I mean by safe. I started to think myself what does safety mean to me and what exactly sounds unsafe about adult realtionship. When I think the thought that I've mentioned above, "adult love is never about being safe and truly loved", I think that it meant something like "everyone that I'll ever be in a relationship with is going to betray me or leave purposefully to make me hurt, there are no allies, relationship is a fake-vague concept and everyone around is an enemy". To my opinion, it comes from the childhood triggers and is a part of emotional flashback I have at the moment of thinking this thought. As an adult-me, I don't think so to be honest. I believe that the relationships are unpredictable and this exactly is my "unsafe" point - that at the beginning of any kind of relationship I could never know right from the start where exactly on the spectrum from "complete safety" to "hazard" each relationship will actually be. And this lack of assurance is what I consider to be unsafe. In this way, I can agree with you and with myself (but only partially with myself) - this is really being perceived as unsafe, but it is not as drastic and dramatic as in my original thought from the flashback. And lack of assurance from the very beginning doesn't mean I won't be cared about, truly loved or won't get an ally.

Guilt about what?

I think it's guilt about "not being anyone else other than me", because some deep part inside of me believes still that I could have been loved if I had become an another person than I came out to be.

Right

This hurts me so much. I'm deeply grieving the loss of childhood I've never actually had. Sometimes I think how I want my parents to suffer the same pain, not dying from it, but living in it day by day, until they beg for my forgiveness. But I know it won't happen. I know even that most likely I'd feel more pain and empathy than satisfaction of revenge if I ever do this.

Your value is unrelated to how you were treated—it’s intrinsic

But if my value is instrinsic, if everyone's value is intrinsic, why do we all seek for humane and respectful treatment instead of just accepting violence and abuse and not seeking for kindness, relying on idea "they can treat me how they'd like, I'm still valuable"? And what is exactly the intrinsic value? Is it being valuable for your own self?

Your recovery is the work of grieving that you didn’t get that and then giving it to yourself.

I feel like it's so unfair that I have to do this and majority of the ppl are just getting it from the family by birthright. So many people don't realize how privileged they are....

Even if XYZ weren’t there you would eventually feel unfulfilled by the role play and the relationship

Just to clarify - yes, I agree with you in this, but I don't agree with the consequantual connectivity at the end of the sentence - the relationship's value and goal for me are not only around roleplay. But I get the idea of only me being capable to fill this void inside of me. I already was unsatisfied at the point of my life when I was in relationship with 3 boyfriends and their love and support were not enough to close that neverending pain.

XYZ is paradoxically your greatest gift currently

As paradoxical as it is, I actually also think so when I'm calming down.

 

[alexpritzz3234]

I may not be able to fully articulate it as I have been learning it too.

Thanks so much for your explanation. I think I got some new point on this matter after reading it from you.

It's shameful to not be loveable.

This thought seems to be so important and groundbreaking for me. It seems like I start to get some of the situations of my childhood - for example, if I was occasionally told "I love you", for some reason it gave me shame and disgust with myself, contempt, body hate. Maybe it is rooted into the idea that I'm unlovable, that it's shameful, and person who tells "I love you" to me is just not aware yet of who I really am to leave me.
It also resonates with me that the whole of me is suddenly becoming unworthy of any love of any degree. That it's not a painful but discrete sting, as you said, but the whole personality denial, denial of my worth existing at all. But how exactly might be connected the emotion of shame and reaction into complete self-denial of such kind? How does this jump happen? Idk why, but for me it's hard to connect this self-hatred to shame, shame as emotion seems quite complicated to comprehend, what exactly stand behind shame? What is shame by itself even...

And anger is good. It is part of the grieving process. Because it is anger inducing.

Is it okay that quite often I start grieving from intense anger, then rage, then indignation, and only then it transforms into self-compassion, crying, venting and so on, ending with acceptance and relief? I read that mostly it happens vice versa, from crying to anger.

But we can learn to shift the blame and responsibility to the adults who harmed, and learn to know how that little child you was always loveable, always worthy, always in need.

It is something that also gives me feeling of relief. This knowing that no matter how mistreated or humiliated or hurt I was, I haven't ever lost my own value, neither as an adult, nor as a child.

Sometimes when I am triggered, I just stroke my arm or something similar. My child part likes pshycial affection as it soothes them.

I like physical affection both as an adult and as a child too. I try to sooth my inner child with tapping on my shoulders and squeezing myself. Also enjoy crawling under heavy blanket and pull it onto myself tightly.

Little success today. When XYZ came from kindergarden, he suddenly start to cry super loudly because during the day he fell into a show hill. When he started to scream and shout and cry, one of his parents took him on their lap and started to calm down, hug and let him cry. At first I felt intense annoyance, but then I somehow felt empathy to XYZ, so I've sit down near him with his parent and also started to calm him down and hug and somehow it made me feel a little bit better, also noticed how fast kids actually let go of their negative emotions if they are given the opportunity to express it.