Death My mum died last night

[scout86]

Sometimes it's ok to let yourself avoid things for awhile. And to deal with them in tiny, manageable bits. Avoidance isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's our brain's way of keeping us safeish.

This might a time, for all involved, to practice radical acceptance. Because, whatever you're feeling, and however you're experiencing it, it's real, and true, and ok, and likely change in a day, or a week, or a minute.

 

[Abstract]

I think thats quite normal actually. Denial is a normal part of the process if there is any of that happening too. There is a lot going on in the initial phase after a loss. The emotions are intense and there are a lot of people around and things to do. Its often a bit after that the second wave hits people if it does. The first is largely about shock. Later ones are often more about loss or loss of what wasn't if that is relevant. Relationship stuff and important dates without the person. Like @scout86 said you are allowed to just be wherever you are at at any time and run with it. There is no should and if there is a bit of emotional shutdown happening that would be normal too. A year or so later is often another difficult one.

 

[barefoot]

Yes, my therapist basically said the same the other day @scout86 and @Abstract - that there’s still a lot of shock, that it hasn’t fully hit home yet and that not engaging with memories/feelings etc is helping me to cope and function at the moment, which she said is fine.

Christmas keeps popping into my mind but then I quickly banish it.
We usually visit my parents and my partner’s parents for two or three days each over the Christmas holidays. I always get very stressed about going to mine and spend a few therapy sessions talking about it and preparing myself.

My partner’s parents are abroad for Christmas this year so we had been enjoying the thought of, for once, in our almost twenty years together, perhaps we could just have Christmas Day at home, then go to my family on Boxing Day for a couple of days. We hadn’t shared that plan with them. And now I don’t feel that we can do that. I feel like we have to now go and be with my dad and sister - probably from Christmas Eve to Boxing day, Not doing that this year would feel selfish.

But the thought of Christmas without seeing my mum just feels....unthinkable. Hence I can’t think about it for long.

My partner’s solunion is to invite my dad and sister here. But I don’t think that’s the answer. She thinks if we don’t have Christmas at their house it won’t be so hard. But it’s not really about where we are....it’s about who’s there. And who isn’t. And moving to having Christmas at ours just feels like changing everything in a strange attempt to try to pretend to ourselves that nothing’s changed?!

I feel a bit lonely today.

 

[jaccat]

I don't know if you can talk to your family about it, but it may be they feel the same?

I know when my brother died 18 months ago, the last thing I wanted to do was spend Christmas with my family. I was going to make excuses, saying I had a friend visiting, but the funny thing was my sister got there first and told me she was going out on Christmas day. Neither of us said it, but I think we both knew why. I know all family's different (I'm not sure any family is like mine!), but is it possible that maybe they don't feel like Christmas either? It doesn't mean you don't have to see them- maybe you could arrange to spend some time with them, but limit it, perhaps by making other arrangements (or at least telling them you have).

I wouldn't worry about how your grief works through. It really is different for everyone, but it's never wrong.

 

[scout86]

Christmas is one of those times that will be hard, no matter what. I'd at least consider the possibility of doing something completely different, while also acknowledging your mum's absence.

 

[Friday]

I feel like we have to now go and be with my dad and sister - probably from Christmas Eve to Boxing day, Not doing that this year would feel selfish.

Unless your dad really wants to go to Paris, or the Seychelles, or New Zealand... someplace he really wanted to go with your mum, or that they loved to bits together, or that she hated and he can imagine her ripping him a new one for going to at all... and is only going to be staying home for the sake of you girls.

I’d suggest the 3 of you talk.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @jaccat and I’m sorry for your loss too. My dad is still very much in matter of fact, life goes on mode, which is quite how he is normally about everything. So, while it is perhaps being exacerbated by shock, stress and grief at the moment, that is the way he generally is. Plus, he is a very strong creature of habit. Plus, no one gets much say with anything where he’s concerned because he always knows what he wants to do and what he thinks is right so, even if things get discussed, the discussion is genuinely lip service because he always gets his way about everything anyway... I strongly suspect he will just think it’s business as usual and that we’ll all just be having Christmas there, the same as we always have...especially as my sister and niece live with him so, for them, it will just be Christmas at home as ever. The day after my mum died my niece told my sister that she’ll have to make the Christmas cake this year now (not sure why that was the forefront of her mind at that time?!) and my sister relayed that to me looking absolutely panic stricken because she has no confidence in the kitchen at all and barely cooks anything, so we (including my dad) have agreed that none of us need to be making a Christmas cake this year. The rest though remains, as yet, undiscussed.
Do you know what you’ll be doing for Christmas this year?

@scout86 yes, you’re right, it’s going to be hard whatever. Because, whatever way we do it, my mum isn’t alive anymore and that’s an unavoidable fact.

@Friday well, I absolutely know my dad won’t be wanting to jet off to somewhere. I suspect he will expect that we’re all going there at some point as usual. Probably the only thing he thinks needs to be agreed is about who will cook without my mum there to do it.
So...yeah...obviously the three of us will have a conversation...I’m just trying to clarify my own thoughts here first because I expect I’ll be the one who has to initiate the conversation.

 

[scout86]

As people grow into adults, they get they're own lives and traditions change. It's part of life. Parents being uncomfortable with that is also part of life. They get used to it. (They may not get over whining about it. LOL)

I have some friends I often have Christmas dinner with. (Actually, Christmas Eve, although it might be on a totally different day, depending on work schedules.) This has evolved into a tradition of Chinese take out. Because the Chinese restaurant happens to be open Christmas Eve. It's weird. It's fun. It's a totally different Christmas.

Consider doing something completely different. The idea of trying to duplicate past Christmases without your mum seems...well, like a bad idea. Whatever happens, I wish you luck as you negotiate this. Sometimes, though, part of being an adult is sticking up for yourself, and living your own life, even if other people don't like it. (You could think of it as an experiment.)

 

[barefoot]

I totally get what you’re saying @scout86 - about doing something completely different and standing up for myself with my family.
I think I’m worried about looking like an uncaring bitch who wants to stay away and not be around my family when this is hard for everyone.

 

[jaccat]

@barefoot it looks like I might be going to visit my other brother, N, this Christmas. It's complicated- there's only the three of us left now, and relationships between N and my sister are strained because of something that involved our brother that died, which has just massively complicated the chance of their forgiving each other any time soon. Anyway, when N found that I spent Christmas alone last year he kind of hit the roof! He's decided the two of us are spending Christmas together this year. At first I just made agreeable noises with the plan to turn him down later on in the year and spend the day alone again, but our relationship has improved since then and he's made changes to his lifestyle which means I think I could enjoy it. It won't be normal, nothing with N ever is, but I'm used to that. I'm not yet 100% convinced, and I won't go if I decide I don't want to, even if that means having him tell me off, which he will.

If it were possible I'd spend the day with my best friend. She wants that too, but neither of us are in a position to make it possible.

 

[littleoc]

I missed this post when you first posted it, @barefoot , and I just wanted you to have my deepest condolences. I’m glad you’re grieving well. I’m so sorry

 

[barefoot]

@jaccat sorry to hear that things are so complicated and that you can’t spend Christmas with the person you really want to spend it with.

Christmas with N sounds promising though...I hope it works out for you.

I’ve been playing phone chicken with my dad for the past 10 days...have been genuinely curious to see how long it will take before he or my sister calls me if I don’t call them. It was only ever me and mum making the phone calls. Realised though that this “test” probably wasn’t going to end well for me...because how useful would it be and how good would it feel to have what I suspect confirmed...that neither of them will bother because they’re just waiting for me to call them.

So, I bit the bullet and phoned him today. He seemed really pleased to hear from me so I felt bad that I’d been deliberately not phoning him to see what he’d do.

Anyway...he briefly mentioned wondering what to do about Christmas, then trailed off. I said it’s basically either that we do what we’ve always done or we do something quite different. He quickly said he thinks it would be better to do something different. Then there was an expectant pause. So then I said he and my sister and niece would be welcome to come to ours if they want to and he seemed pleased/relieved by that. So...I think that’s what we’re doing.

I wasn’t expecting that at all - thought he would insist on business as usual and Christmas at their house. I think he is starting to feel more grief and reality is hitting a bit more...

I don’t really know how I feel about hosting Christmas...

I’ve felt quite teary today. Physical symptoms are bothering me most and seem to be getting worse. Everything hurts and I have a pretty much constant ache in my chest. And bad reflux, which I don’t usually suffer from, so that’s not fun. And IBS flare ups. And I feel like I could sleep for a hundred years....and then I can’t! And I can’t stop eating so will be the size of a house soon if I don’t stop! And I lost my voice at the start of the week and it still hasn’t come back. And, and and...!
I feel utterly broken!

When will my body stop hurting?!