Death My Sister Died Last Night

[recoveringfromptsd]

I believe The only reason they even gave me the choice is because I don't hold secrets about my state of mind, I am open and honest, so if someone asks about S/I I tell them even though i know it may mean being put in hospital. They don't not have to guess how imminent things are

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug:I have SO MUCH respect for you, for your openness and honesty to your "team", and also here. I know it's far, FAR from easy! But you ARE holding on, and I am sure your sister would be proud! (Is proud? I believe love never dies, love is energy, and energy changes form...) :hug:

You have been through SO MUCH in less than 2 weeks, and are doing as well as possible. One step, one hour at a time...or one minute at a time. That's all anyone can do. You aren't alone.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ I am trying a moment at a time, but I suspect its just putting things off longer. I seem to go from being ok and strong to wanting an permanent exit. My friends here like yourself have been helpful in helping me transition from the low to the strong. There are times I find myself searching for the perfect method. While they know about my S/I and having done planning. PHP may not take me because of S/I. Or may take me and at some point make me inpatient when they hear more from me on my s/i. It is possible they may give me no choice but to go inpatient. Not something I want. But I can understand it. If I were them I would be making me go inpatient.

 

[mamachick]

Just want you to know that you are in my thoughts as I follow this thread. Angel keeper has said things better than I could right now but I do just want to express that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( :hug:recoveringfromptsd :hug: )))
You have been, and are doing all you can to stay afloat while you learn to navigate life without your sister...considering it all happened rather fast...I think. Unlike cancer, where it can be a painfully slow descent, I think there was hope that her heart could be repaired, and give her a few more years. I'm assuming as much anyway...my concern is this:

But I can understand it. If I were them I would be making me go inpatient.

It's kind of like when you are making a decision about a surgery, for yourself or a loved one, when you ask the doctor, "if it was YOU, or a relative, what would YOU do?" It sounds like if you were making that kind of decision for someone else, and the doctor said he/she would go ahead with the "procedure", that you WOULD choose the hospital. I DO KNOW that it's the LAST thing that you want, but if there is a chance that voluntarily going in will help, wouldn't that be the right decision? If YOU are/were your loved one? (I know the struggle of loving ourselves is nearly impossible sometimes.)

If the part of you that is looking for a permanent exit is getting stronger, and the DBT techniques and self-care steps are only putting a weak "plug" in the dike of the dam, maybe it makes sense for you to go inpatient? Wouldn't it take the "burden" of the fight off of YOUR shoulders? Of course, I know that you will still be the one fighting, but the ability to 'exit' would be taken off the table somewhat while you are receiving support 24/7. I AM praying that the inpatient situation would be a GOOD option! (We both know that inpatient units aren't always the best when it comes to their method of treatment.)

If they choose to admit you, would THAT be "safer"? Meaning, they would be the ones to decide when you can leave? When we are self-admitting, from what I remember, it is kind of easier to leave? I could be wrong, not knowing a LOT of the variables.

I am very thankful that your friends here, myself being one of them, have been able to help somewhat. But, I wonder if you are growing very tired of the continual "fight" in your heart and soul? Or, can you see that it will help long-term, in getting you "up and running" where your thoughts of and desire to S/H, will subside, and you can return to life as it is without your sister? Only you can make that decision.

I wish I could make it for you. Or that your team will see that the S/I desire is returning, or has returned, and take the decision out of your hands. There is SO much that I don't know, and that only YOU can know and choose. Like what kind of work you do, and are you able to function as you want, or if you are barely able to accomplish what you want to, or need to? I suspect that you have high expectations of yourself when it comes to your work ethic. If you aren't able to live up to those expectations, will the S/I get worse, or more frequent, leading to more of the desire to take that permanent exit?

I have to admit that I hope every day, that there is a post here from you. I want YOU to WIN this battle! As a friend, I would like nothing more than to hear that you have made it PAST the point of danger! But, we all know that no one can make the decision for you! Plus, coping with your loss is going to take a long time, because the love you have for your sister has NOT died. You will have a new "normal", and that will be more than difficult, as well as an up and down existence, until you get to the place of "acceptance". As you know, the grief steps aren't predictable, in order, or "done" at any point. It's an ongoing choice to stay in the fight, and work through the pain every day and night. Acceptance isn't a state of having "arrived" and the trip there being over. It will take time, and there is no way around it.

I sure hope I am not overloading you with all these "arguments"! I DO know that you want help, because you are HERE! You DO want to get better, and be on the road back to where you aren't feeling a constant "storm" inside your heart and head. I believe that you CAN get to that place, as long as you are supported. There's only so much a friend can do, and there's only so much that your team of friends and professionals there with you can do.

Is there a downside to going inpatient? Other than not wanting to, or that it will sink you financially? Those are 2 REALLY huge things to consider and obviously I don't know a darn thing about the answers. Only you do. If your job, and living arrangements would hold up while you get treatment, then isn't it worth taking a step that might really, REALLY help?

As I said, only you know the specifics, as well as your history. You have survived SO MUCH more than anyone should have ever survived, but you are still HERE!!! My belief about life is that as long as we are here, we are MEANT to be here, because our "story" is not finished.

That's not to say that I haven't wanted "out" quite a few times myself, but I chose and choose getting help, and not giving up, or giving in. I still consider myself to be lazy, a horrible procrastinator, fat, and sometimes stupid. It's not EVERYTHING about me, but it's what I want to change. I could be doing a LOT more than I am doing, but I refuse to let myself return to the "guilt and shame" that held me back for SOOOO many years! I still have a long way to go, with pain and loss being in the future, because that is life.

Living, loving, losing, and pain of all kinds. But, I have also found deep love through where I have chosen to let God lead me. I have my son, and my grandchildren who I might only see once a year, if that, since they are living in the Philippines. (So thankful for the internet, and FaceTime.) I have a surrogate daughter who has allowed me to be her "real" mom. because her birth "other" as we call her, is a disgusting piece of crap in my book and treats her horribly. (I could very easily hate her, but don't want that blackness to live inside me.) I try not to stay angry at my mom, who I am the caretaker of, because that, too, would darken my heart. Yes, living can REALLY suck sometimes, but not ALL the time. Death is inevitable, and there is NO easy way to say goodbye to this world. I do dread those losses ahead, but I won't face them until I have to.

I PRAY that you will choose YOU, and choose LIVING, and keep LOVING, AND LIVING in this far from perfect world! You deserve to find peace, and security, and to love and be loved. Life.

I apologize for my lengthy "essays", but I want you to know WHO I am, not just my name. You are not just a name to me. You are a fellow human trying to navigate this world. Just reading the small amount of experiences you have survived inspires me not to give up, because YOU haven't! You have pushed on, and pushed on, and have also refused to give up or give in!

Goodnight for now...if you do go inpatient...I pray that it is a good situation and not one where the staffers belong on the inpatient side of the desks. You deserve to live a good life, and we will still be here when you get back!

Blessings and Hugs :hug::hug::hug:
Angelkeeper

P.S. Geez-la-Weez, I have written a freaking BOOK!!! It's obvious that I learned to be longwinded as the daughter of a preacher!:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::D

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

@brat17 Don't put down what you have to say, although I appreciate your words! I write essays/books of a ridiculous length. I think I may help by putting people to sleep?
Your thoughts and prayers are VERY IMPORTANT, and I know they are appreciated!

 

[mamachick]

Angelkeeper thank you. I just want recoveryfromptsd to know that she is in my thoughts even though I am short on words right now. (have been ill and so fatigued) and May 2015 my sister was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and passed in 5 weeks. Though there were no financial ties, we were very close though she lived 500 miles away. I visited but was not there at the end because I had to stay in hotel to visit and could not do indefinitely. I am just soo appreciative of your words and support for recoveryfromptsd.

recoveryfromptsd-I do know how it feels to want to go with your sister, and it has been such a very short time though it may not seem so, I am still working on accepting my loss and learning to live again. There is not a day that I don't think about her. It is painful, but getting a tiny bit easier to accept. (((hugs)))

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@brat17 and @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ Thank you for the encouragement, like others here who have been here for me moments at a time, those moments add up and have gotten me thru, where otherwise I may have already had to check in somewhere I don't want to be to be safe.

One of the things I have not told anyone, is I have thought of an exit before by sister passed, my sister depending on me held me back from thinking further. With her gone, and other things, my thinking is stronger than before.

I was accepted for PHP again and start tomorrow. But at the end each day they ask the same questions the PDOC did on friday. Thal almost got me admitted. So it is possible they may make inpatient me from PHP. My T told me to tell them the plan we used this weekend to get me thru the weekend.

I don't have problem with inpatient, I have a problem with the local inpatient. Its a triggering environment and help if your having a bipolar or schizo episode. The have nothing that goes on there, no groups, nothing, so it being an environment that is triggering would just make me isolate to avoid more trauma, and basically make me worse. If I had to go inpatient I don't want it to be at the local unit.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you for your honesty! I DO understand how having your sister to "hold you here" made it less appealing to arrange your "exit".
Therefore, her being gone has removed what was kind of like an anchor. I understand, more than I would like to actually.

Is there a facility that you would be more willing to consider for inpatient care? (I DO get that the place you are talking about would only make things worse) Those places are a SMALL step above a holding cell.

I just want to thank you for fighting so hard against what your "insides" keep saying to you! You are SOOO VERY STRONG!!!

I am sure there are things that you would like to change about yourself, like most of us, but your mental strength and tenacity are absolutely amazing!!! If you could find a way to "bottle them" and market it, you would be RICH! You have been fighting for a very long time! I REALLY hope that you won't give up on yourself!

Hopefully, you will tell us how PHP goes tomorrow. Maybe there is a way for them, or SOMEONE to get you into a place (inpatient) where you can actually get help, and not just be watched.

I hope you can get some rest tonight!
:hug:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Thank you for your honesty! I DO understand how having your sister to "hold you here" made it less ap...

Thanks for understanding, HOLDING CELL is pretty close to what the local psych unit is in my case, and its triggering on top of it because of its design. So its would be more traumatic. Yes, there are other places, the one i prefer I was at recently and its sheppard pratts TDU but its hard to get into, and it takes weeks, the other is the state hospital in cambridge, which is better than the local psych unit. There they have a program, all the usual. I suspect I may end up there. If they do try to make me inpatient I will probably ask to be there.

Strength comes with a price, every bit you use adds to whatever it is your trying to overcome, because to use it adds more pain. Fewer understand what I have to measure a quality of life against. I only have 3 years in my life that were years worth living. That's only about 5 percent of my life, the rest well I think you know. So its amazing that I am still here, having been hospitalized over 50 times, with over 25 suicide attempts, and a few near successes. I am no stranger to this. Problem is each time I get closer to wanting the real thing, and further away from cries for help.

There is no strength to bottle up, it comes from necessity as the alternative is what they may make me inpatient for even thinking about. I have no choice but to try. Because if I don't then I know I will get locked up for my thoughts, because once I don't try, there is only one think left. So I try, sometimes I get better, at least for a while. But over all I am just tired of life and its pain.

One of my strengths which also got me into this mess, is I am open and honest about my state of mind. I the past I was locked up just for being upset, depressed, or with s/i. Anything. Because I would bottle up, they could not judge where my mind was. So the took the safest approach.

These days, I don't do that, I want to be trusted when it comes to where my state of mind is, this has worked well so far, as even when I have had S/I as in this case, I am given some room to deal with it without it being taken out of my hands in a restricted environment, this PHP is an example how that has served me well. Any other person or case they would have inpat on friday as they almost did in my case.

This time around its different, and if they knew why I know there would inpatient me for sure. While I have had a lot of S/I and even have some plans, what they don't know is some of that is based on research on ways, so as to insure success. So my thinking has been more finalistic than in the past. It even scares me. Part of my plan involved getting medically compromised to complicate things, by starving to a certain point, with an o/d to put me to sleep and complicate a save, and the final lethal method. So its nothing I can do without a long timeline and logistics, which is good, because one of my strengths is self sabotaging opportunity (the cry for help part of me). So I suspect PHP will probably be weighing me to make sure I have not started a plan.

I have little doubt that I will probably end up inpatient. If that happens I want it to be on my terms, if it can be.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

@recoveringfromptsd

I, Angelkeeper/AKJ (dumb blonde) wrote the post above, thanking you for your honesty, not realizing I checked the "anonymous"box..DUH!
I am sorry!

I am PRAYING that you will be able to get admitted where you KNOW that you will receive quality care and guidance. I still say that you are brave and strong....even if it comes from necessity!

I also hope and pray that in some way you will find something that will give you some satisfaction and fulfillment!

Try to rest....:hug:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

PHP went well, everything is in the open about my S/I and S/H, including the details of plans, etc. They won't inpat me unless my actions dictate it, or my thinking advances in terms of S/I.