Death My Sister Died Last Night

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug: Here's a virtual hug :hug:
I REALLY applaud your choice to be honest...THANK YOU for showing me that you are doing the best you can right now.

I can do the same, and MAKE myself "show up" for the day, EVERY day!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Just wanted to say that I am thinking about you, and hope you are getting the BEST care possible!
Blessings to you!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Yep, a lot to deal with, PHP, my therapist and DBT therapist had a pow-wow about continuing DBT while in PHP since they overlap on the DBT day.

So it looks like for now, my abuse counselor has me on hold, and DBT is out while in PHP so I will have to pick it up next module later.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Keep on keepin on! You give me inspiration on my worst days. Thank you for sharing your journey!:hug:

 

[Zaza]

My sister who was very supporting of me and my problems died last night. I am sort of numb f...

Oh, I'm soo sorry. I would feel devastated. Sending you many hugs and prayers. May God wash away her pain, fill her soul with love and may you feel her healing presence with you again. The sister bond is forever lasting. Please take care. *strong hug*

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I just went thru 3 weeks of PHP and still feel not much different than when I started. I am beginning to loose the desire to even try any more. The S/I has not gone away, and they all know it, and they think that's ok so long as I ask for help if I want to act on it.

It is not so much the pain of my sisters passing, it is more that taking care of her kept me from thinking more about how much I have always hated living and wanting an end to living. i just cant cope with the life the damage of my abuse has given me. Where every minute is some source of pain from the past. I can't get away from it, it either intrudes on my thoughts, as comes as flashbacks or interferes with life thru maladaptive behaviors resulting from my abuse. My life should have been over with my abuse.

They know I have researched for ways, What they don't know is over time I have settled om something that works for me. Except it takes money I currently don't have, and it's something I would not even consider until certain affairs are wrapped up, and a long holiday weekend is at hand. There are only a few long ones. So this is limiting. I suspect I will,probably be forced into the hospital anyway because of my thoughts, before my mind has a chance to latch on to such a plan.

I feel like I am sinking, and what I am sinking into has no end.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( recoveringfromptsd ))))
I am glad that you have come by and told us how you are doing. You have been doing all you can do right now, and I do applaud you for that! I know that you don't feel "better" but It IS important to be acknowledged for staying in the fight for yout life. You HAVE NOT given up, or given in to your desire to leave this world!

I will come back tomorrow to see how you are doing. I am a bit cross eyed, needing to sleep. My sleep apnea treatment is not working well, but for now I need to sleep before I write something that makes no sense at all. I am sorry I'm not more coherent.

Please try to get some rest.
Blessings to you and prayers for you to be safe.
AKJ

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Well, I didn't get back here to say "hello" or encourage you. I am SO sorry! I have been mostly in bed trying to get spasms worked out from under my shoulder blade. A tennis ball "hurts so good"....Pfffttt!!!

I do hope you are at least holding steady, and getting as much help as possible right now.

I understand how caring for someone becomes part of our identity. My daughter, who was severely brain-damaged, and handicapped, and whom I had "let go" into an institution, as well as having my son living with me, held me together, in a way that I did not realize AT ALL, until she had died, and he had gone to live with his father. (It was within driving distance, but OH SO VERY PAINFUL, and WRONG for the brokenhearted mother that I was at that time.)

There I was, with NO ONE, I thought in my despair, to take care of. So, why was I here? THANKFULLY, the circumstances changed, and I was "freed" from ALL of my responsibilities (I got fired). That enabled me to begin the healing process.

I say all of this to encourage you to keep working on reasons to STAY here and share with those around you, the strength that you have in
"STAYING" even though you don't want to. PLEASE keep up the fight! It's too soon to give up, and hopefully, you will be able to find more reasons to stay. I am SURE that your sister would NOT want her death to destroy your life!

Be safe, keep reaching out...you are NOT ALONE! You are NOT fighting alone!

Blessings to you!!! (((:hug::hug::hug: )))

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I am doing my best, my thoughts have not changed, and I have shared them with clinicians and because they don't see an imminent danger they are ok with it. They seem to trust me that if that changes I will reach out. Problem is I am not sure I can this time. The only good thing is my foolproof plan requires an item I don't have and can only obtain by ordering online. The bad think is my plan is 100% reliable and layered with multiple elements to insure success even if someone where to find me immediately.

I have had moments where I have considered placing that order so I can get things over with.

Even if nothing happens in regards to the above, I don't feel I can mentally survive this. I may end up in an institution too.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @recoveringfromptsd )))
Sometime I REALLY don't like the "like" choice we are given as a way to respond to reading and HEARING a post...it just isn't appropriate sometimes, so I choose not to "like" your post, but I DO hear you!

A couple questions...what are you able to do ering your days? Are you alone, or with people? Is it a possibility that you can "give in" and get into a 24/7 facility? My daughter was an extreme but necessary choice, and I am wondering if you need to make that choice at least for a while?

First, it would give you some organization throughout the day, and the security of people around. Your meals...which at times to me are just a real pain in the rear when I'd really prefer to never eat (unless it's ice cream...) It wouldn't be a "forever" choice, but it would give you time to readjust the direction your life is going? I am just throwing this out as an idea.

I don't believe you are damaged! Hurt, yes. In excruciating pain. Yes. Should you give up? NO!

Before you make that final decision, can you maybe go to the extreme of letting your care be in the hands of professionals? Just some thoughts...you deserve the chance to fight like H*!! to stay and work towards the goal of finding a place where your heart can rest! Then, you can decide what is next, rather that ruminating on how to end your pain. There are other ways than the final way. I truly care!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Well, they all seem to know I have these thoughts, as just monday night I told the facilitator in my trauma group that I still had these thoughts and have a plan, but no means, so its in the future unless I change my thoughts. I was surprised she did not do something then, because she also works on the mobile crisis team.

I suspect its a matter of time before I have to be in a facility. Who know maybe tomorrow or the next day.. I think its an eventual certainty. I really want to feel differently, but I don't. And I can't seem to shake this.

If I do get hospitalized my concern is where, SP TDU would be the place best to deal with why i feel this way, but around here, the local unit is at PRMC, its a small, extremely highly triggering unit, with two doctors who are worthless that I can't stand. And it has almost no activities, so its a warehouse, if I end up there I will just end up locking up mentally. The other place is cambridge state hospital, but that's involuntary. However Involuntary in my state you can be place in any hospital with beds. So even PRMC exists with that path.

As to plans, I don't have the financial means to obtain the means, so no matter how I feel and how close I get to such a choice, I have no way to take the choice. In many ways So it gives me distance to change my thinking or mind. The only bad thing about this is in the past attempts have been unsuccessful as most are, and like most in the past there was always an element of hope in the mix. This is the first time I have not only a written plan, but have researched and developed a multimethod layered plan that is 100% successful. So I have never been more serious about the outcome, so much so I don't want to do anything unless its foolproof.

And yes, I sort of have given up, I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do, I will always be dealing with all this, and struggling all the time just to exist, even before being happy comes into the picture.

What was done in 1977-78 is so far reaching that the fall out is sort of forever. It has robbed me from July 27, 1977 on of any chance of a decent and/or happy life. Instead all I have know is pain, and struggle, I can't relate to people because of it, I can't have relationships, I can't hold a job, I can't trust, I can't be hugged, I can't be loved, I can't even watch TV due to triggering content, In a non-literal way my life ended on July 27, 1977.
I am tired, and want out.

I appreciate your support, and if it is worth anything it helps, I am hanging by a thread or two right now and in a way your help is a thread, that is helping me get by day by day. I have a sliver of hope left or I would not be here. But I don't know how long it will last.

I don't want to feel this way, but I am trapped in it.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ Please don't abandon me here, I have to much of that. What good is hope in a place like this if peers abandon us when we are at our lowest points so much we want the ultimate out. I am doing what I can to try to be hopeful. Otherwise I would not be here on this site, and potentially not here period. So please don't abandon me I could not take that.