My therapist says being nice is a choice

[Muttly]

Today in therapy I was talking about my family. It started with me commenting about how my family always had derogatory things to say about others, including my friends. Like these two little girls who lived across the street. They'd make all kinds of mocking comments about how stupid one was and make fat jokes about the other. It had come to mind because I'd been thinking about one of them.

That had evolved into a conversation about how verbally abusive they could be to me or each other, especially my mom. And it's probably one of the earliest ways I broke from the family mold. I didn't want to be that way. I thought the... cruelty they directed towards each other was awful and hated the way they'd judge others.

So, we were winding up the session and my therapist pops out with being nice is a choice. I told her I thought sometimes it was hard wired in. I guess I was thinking that I was just hard wired to be nice and that's why I had been different from the rest of them. And my therapist, thought for a moment and said, "No, I think it's a choice. Something for you to think about."

And I am thinking about it. Harumph. And I still don't know if I agree with her. I know I chose not to fight like they did. I remember that. My mom, dad, and brother were yelling. It was sitting there listening, and it all seemed so stupid. If they'd actually listened to each other instead of yelling, blaming, raging and stomping around, they would have realized they were basically saying the same thing. I promised myself I would never be like that and I've kept that promise. But the nice thing (which honestly, I get kind of embarrassed about and feel unmanly) isn't something I remember choosing. Or is there a difference between choosing to be nice and acting nice? So, thoughts?

 

[whiteraven]

I think that our response to *everything* is a choice.

 

[Mee]

It’s a choice. And it’s a habit.
It’s a practice. Anything you do habitually becomes easier or your way of doing things.

Sometimes people appear nice but aren’t : they act nice. That’s interesting too. And others are nice to some people and not nice to others.

 

[ILoveLife]

Ahah. Had this conversation with my T too.
I think it's a choice, she doesn't. ;)

There's no need to always agree with Ts, I suppose.

 

[Mee]

Ahah. Had this conversation with my T too.
I think it's a choice, she doesn't. ;)

There's no need to alw...

Hmmm. So what hope does therapy have then in Her outlook? It suggests our thoughts cannot be adapted or improved.if we don’t have choice to think and act ’nicely’ How can we choose to think and act ’nicely’ to ourselves?

There might be people who have mental illness or some such that restricts their ability to think clearly of others or how their action might not be ’nice’ or compassionate to others but most often I think when we act in this way it's motivated by selfishness or thoughtless ness.

 

[ILoveLife]

Agreed. The context of the discussion was more metaphysical than practical. As in are people inherently good or bad, learned behaviours and core identity.
We agreed on the basics, but she said there are people who genuinely can't do no harm on purpose, while others (pathology or not) will harm unintentionally out of selfishness. Hence it stops being a choice if its inherent to their selves. We can learn to control ourselves.
I don't agree with it all, think it's very romantic. I do think it's a choice.

 

[blackemerald1]

I agree with other's. I think it is a choice. If it's not then how is it hard wired?

 

[Friday]

Very much a choice.

Have a feeling this might bake your noodle... So is being mean.

 

[Gs172003]

Agreed. The context of the discussion was more metaphysical than practical. As in are people inherently g...

I agree with you. You can be selfish all day long and still choose to be nice.

 

[ILoveLife]

You can be selfish all day long and still choose to be nice.

Yes. And nice doesn't automatically mean good either. Met plenty of nice awful people in my life. But hey, at least they were nice about it. :D

 

[Mach123]

My partner has this 'reserve' down to a science and would never 'behave like that.' I have been in awe of this over the years and still have trouble understanding how it's possible. Raising the voice is practically unthinkable. Watching other people do it is entertainment, like something on a sit com. Being nice with difficult people is an art form. I'm still learning.

 

[somerandomguy]

I think for some people being nice (or being mean) is easier and doesn't represent a conscious choice, but it probably has to do with life events and maybe a natural disposition towards a certain attitude. That said, everyone can decide how they want to act.

A strict application of mindfulness (and a lot of practice) can make consciously being nice easier.