Relationship My Wife Has Cptsd; I Am Losing Faith That I Will Ever Feel Loved

[rjhuber83]

I need some help and advice. My wife suffers was diagnosed recently with CPTSD, about a year ago. How we got to this point is fairly complex, but i will try my best to summarize and keep it on point.

I've been in the US Army for about 9 years now. I met my wife in NY at my last duty station. We met and got married with 6 months of meeting, and then I got transferred to Alaska for my next duty assignment. We've been married for over 3 years now. In the beginning, there was no hint of the issues to come, everything seemed happily ever after. But almost as soon as we moved, I started to notice little things here and there that raised some red flags. She was always quick to anger, and resorted to physical violence quite often, but I had always wrote that off as just her personality. She was overly jealous and insecure, and severely distrusting. It all turned into a pattern, we would perfectly happy for 2 weeks or so, and then something as small as i didn't call her from work before lunch would spark her insecurities to point were she accused me of cheating on her. We would descend into 3 weeks of emotional hell, and then all of a sudden she'd snap out of it and we'd be perfectly happy again. This continued until one evening, we got into an argument, she physically attacked me and we scuffled a bit until she ran out and called the police. I ended up taking the heat on that and had to take a DV conviction. I still went back for more though. I moved back in after a month of so and things were happy once again. But we still had that pattern. I deployed to Iraq back in 2009 for about 6 months. During that time, my wife got into a car accident with our 2 kids and unborn child. She was intoxicated 4 times the legal limit. The car was totaled, but thankfully no one was injured. That was the event that got her to go to counseling. At first all the counselors couldn't make heads of tails. There were many different diagnosis, from boderline personality disorder, bipolar syndrome, ptsd, schizophrenia. None of the counseling seemed to help at all. It kind of made things worse for us. I feel that it enabled her to blame the accident on whatever was wrong with her, she still to this day does not show remorse for the accident. She gets upset that my parents are still mad at her for it. Eventually she saw a therapist who made the CPTSD diagnosis. She continued the therapy for about 2 months and then promptly gave up because she felt it wasn't helping at all.

The most recent thing going on is I am now under investigation for suspected rape. I am here to say that I would never rape anyone, let alone my wife. Apparently she was talking with a family advocacy counselor about my chain of command and issues she's had with them, as well as moving her down to Arizona so she can be with a childhood friend as I am due to deploy again soon. While she was in there talking to this counselor, she stated that there were many times that she felt like she had to have sex with me or that I forced her to have sex with me. I was shocked and deeply hurt. I was forced to move into the barracks and there was a no contact order for us.

I have since started hanging out again, but she leaves for Arizona in a few days. I need help. The story is way more complex than what I can write down, and by no means have I been a perfect husband, but I think that I am better than most. I love my wife. I promised myself that I would never give up, but I fear that she is going to destroy my life. She needs help and therapy. I don't know...

 

[amethist]

Hi.

I am so sorry you are having to go through all this, I hope you have kept a record of all past events. This may sound callous, but it's more of a safety net for you than anything else.

Are others aware of her actions and behaviour, and have you some kind of support/therapy for yourself while all this is going on.

As for the pattern of her emotions, it could be connected to a hormonal im-balance mixed in with all the CPTSD issues too. 2 weeks good then 3 weeks of emotional hell as you mentioned. I remember being a bit like this myself after the birth of my second daughter, which is why I mentioned it.

2 months therapy, would not have been long enough to be making much of a difference, especially if she was in denial of any of what was going on. She has to except she needs the help and begin work through it all before she will be able to understand or see how all this has effected your marriage.

I am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, but honest answers are better than fluffy coating it all.

Take care and please find yourself some face to face help and support too.

Amethist

 

[intothelight]

Hi RJHuber,

Welcome to the forum. There is a lot of information here that I believe you will find helpful. There is also a lot of support and the sharing of information.

Amethist gave you very sound advice. You need to take care of yourself first. Also, I noticed that you have children. I too have been diagnosed with C-PSTD; but that is a diagnosis, not who I am, nor is it an excuse to treat my family badly. Even though you love your wife, you need to look out for yourself and your children first. When and if. your wife decides to work on her recovery is not something you have a choice over. But by being healthy and providing a stable environment for you children, will go a long way for healing your family.

Wishing you the best.
Debbie

 

[hopelives]

Personably I think it is time to cut contact with her for a while. She has deep problems that without therapy will not go away. I would make it a condition of you two getting back together.

Good luck with it all

 

[hopelives]

I just wanted to add my husband has CPTSD and it is hard.

 

[rjhuber83]

Amethist,
Can can you delete this thread please? What I wrote was kinda one sided and it was more venting than anything else... I'd appreciate it if you could just delete the whole thread... thank you

 

[amethist]

Hi rjhuber83

You will have to place this question in the Help Desk area.

Posting on here is by your own choice, and once posted belong to the forum. Very occasionally Anthony will delete certain items, whether this would fall into that category I honestly am not sure.

Anthony is the only person who can make that decision.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

There is no valid reason I can see, as the other authorised person who can make such a decision, to delete the thread. Please refer to my reply to your Help Desk post. Sorry I cant add a link as posting from a mobile phone. If you wish to discuss further please PC me as Anthony is currently unavailable.

 

[Precious]

Hello to all who have commented on this post.

I am the x wife of the person who wrote this post. I was diagnosed with cptsd a few years ago and would like to tell my story.

I did total my car with my children in May of 09. I was drunk.

To me the circumstances of why I drank or got in my car no longer matter. What matters is a few days later I got my self into counseling and this cptsd came out in the open. I do regret what I did in 09, but I will for ever be thankful for the lessons, skills, and healing that has steamed from it.

I started doing EMDR therapy and learning why certain things affected me so and why all a sudden it all hit me at once. I would go back to the first memory with my councilor to feel my first initial emotion, I would feel that emotion 100 percent (meaning if the issue started when I was 4; well that was the emotional state I went back to, till that emotion was out.) This is still amazing to me! Your neurons start reconnecting once you remember the first incident and slowly your brain becomes how it was b4 you "forgot" a memory.

Therapy started to flow for me and for the first time in my life I felt awake. Between my therapy and quitting alcohol, I started to see things for how they were. My councilor encouraged me to be open to rjhuber83 about what I was learning, my triggers, and how he could stop doing certain things like , putting me down, hitting, and not accepting no for a answer sexually. I did.

Unfortunately what I communicated to him was used to emotionally abuse me and set back my therapy. I even took a break from my therapy to fix my marriage. I told my counselor what was going on at home and what I was doing to make things easier on Ryan. My councilor believed because how my sessions were going that I married the same type of personality that abused me as a child. He suggested to move and concentrate only on me and the kids. I did.

What I realized after completing therapy was I had surrounded myself with abusers, pathological liars, and manipulators (my best friends, x'es, and x hubby). I allowed these ppl to twist things so much that I started believing them over myself! Even when I had the truth right in front of me. I took the blame and self battered myself over events I had no control over. I would be talking about something they did that hurt me, to have it turned around to I did it to them. I believed them! I really did, and still catch myself, taking the blame for things I had nothing to do with. I thought I was crazy for thinking they hurt me.

I pushed my positive friends away (ppl who saw what was going on). I had sex with my husband because it was "owed" to him and eventually gave up telling him no because no wasn't honored, or/and his anger was a deep price to pay for the whole house. This eventually landed me a STD from my husband. But due to my councilors support, I went to authorities to defend myself against marital rape. My husband had to move out and I got ready to move to AZ.

B4 I moved Ryan started coming around everyday and obviously he thought we were good. We were great till my therapy showed a pattern that had been happening for years. And with much encouragement from my councilor, past marriage councilors, my husbands chaplain, and some of his friends, I overcame the urge to repeat the pattern. It was hard and I slipped at times to, but being in AZ and him in AK helped me break free. I completed my therapy, moved back to AK, and am getting divorced:)

My children have never been happier, I have never been happier, and no one in my house hold flinches, or is overwhelmed with insecurity. We don't walk on eggshells anymore. I did all this with out pills, drugs, or alcohol. I don't remember why I started to write this lol., But Im smiling with the positiveness I feel and confidence I have.

I believe a person can heal from C-PTSD. I believe they need to remove themselves from any type of relationship that sets back their therapy. I know that ppl who have C-PTSD because of abuse in the past, need to talk to a councilor about the kind of abuse. Not just to heal but to see if "you" are repeating/reliving your past in the present. What I mean is. I had a sexual predator as a father and a manipulative pathological liar as a mother. I thought I deserved everything that was happening. I married a man who is just like the ppl who caused me to bury that "first" memory so long ago. Please talk to your therapist about this. Just because you have been through so much does not make you any less important then the ppl around you. It does not mean you don't know how to do anything normal.

I'm a great mom, never abused my kids, I have alway fulfilled their emotional and physical needs. I have never disciplined them in anger. And when I totaled my car I was not thinking of anything but the hurt I was feeling. I saw my kids everyday. And had them under my roof again in a month. My point is I had no example of good parenting, but I'm a excellent parent. I never had the guidance growing up to what a healthy relationship is. But I do know honesty, trust, and love are the key for it.

Communication and consistent therapy are the keys to healing and realizing what is around you. Trust your therapist, learn to trust your instances. Take time for you, respectfully tell those you love you need time away till you complete some treatment and learn how to trust. PPl with ppl who have C-PTSD, be honest. If you cant handle it sit down with their councilor and tell them. If you know you are lying and manipulating your partner to believe you, get help right away.

My soon to be x only started concealing because he was loosing his family. It took him 4 years to realize what he did to the kids, me, his parents, and friends.

Don't use your partners C-PTSD to your advantage ever.

If you are the partner of someone who has C-PTSD and you have a problem with honesty, come clean b4 they see it or prove to themselves they were correct. If you have C-PTSD and feel your partner is harming you more then helping, walk away till you and your therapist figure it out.

Everyone needs to vent but try to not do what rjhuber83 did above. It hurt me and it wasn't correct. Have the decency to say hey I'm venting. Don't purposely put it out there to get a rise out of your partner.

If what you post is incorrect correct it b4 your partner asks you to.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Precious,

Thank you for your post, and the reminder there are at least two-sides.

I hope you continue to recover and live life to the fullest.

Debbie

 

[Precious]

Thank you ms Debbie

 

[emoswas]

I dont think I have the clarity to explain it. But thank you for posting this, both to you and your X. I hope that I'm not making anyone feel bad by saying this, but reading the progression of these posts has been very helpful for me. Thank you.