Need Advice On Re-building Self-discipline

[blackandwhite2017]

Hello World,

For the past year, I have been doing nothing, skipping school and my university grades literally fell from As to Ds. I was first in denial about my psychological problems in the first half of the last year but I eventually hit rock bottom last December and sought help from a psychologist.

Anyway, after completing my psychological assessments and doing several sessions, I finally feel less guilty about how much I failed myself and how weak I had been; I feel more ready to accept my past failures; and I don't feel I have to be either completely perfect or completely failing anymore. Those negative feelings and thoughts have always stopped me from building my self discipline before because I would always set very high goals for myself and end up getting really depressed if I can't follow every one of them. Now I am finally able to admit I am not perfect and I have lots of problems and I am willing to start working on them in baby steps despite how weak that sounds. So I think I am ready to start working on building my self-discipline back up.

My question is how should I rank my priorities regarding which problems to start working on first. My primary problems currently are: bad sleep schedule, bad eating habits/schedule, bad exercise routines, bad room cleaning habits, bad personal hygiene habits, skipping classes, not doing homework in time, sometimes late for work. I realize that is a huge list of problems lol, and I am thinking that I will work on only one for them for the first two weeks and adding another one every two weeks (though I hope someone can suggest a better plan!). I feel like I should work on the self care issues first but since I am in university and need to work to support myself and my dog, I can't really do that.

Does anyone have a suggestion regarding how I should approach this? How much time should I allow myself before adding another problem to deal with? Is 2 weeks too long or too short? Is there a better suggestion than the 2-weeks-plan? Is there a faster way of doing this? If not which ones should I prioritize first? Are there any methods that I can do to help keep myself motivated? What I should do if I fail to follow my self-discipline plan somewhere? What kind of rewards can I give myself (I don't have lots of money)?

Thanks,
HelloWorld314

 

[The Albatross]

"how should I rank my priorities regarding which problems to start working on first. My primary problems currently are: bad sleep schedule, bad eating habits/schedule, bad exercise routines, bad room cleaning habits, bad personal hygiene habits, skipping classes, not doing homework in time, sometimes late for work. [snip] I am thinking that I will work on only one for them for the first two weeks and adding another one every two weeks..."

Good topic, and as you've already found... it is difficult to prioritize areas that need to change and be improved when they are most all important and of seemingly equal priorities.

Many years ago now, in recovery I was responsible for doing all of my basic self care needs each day... so Sleep/rest, eating when hungry/nutrition, personal hygiene, hydration (good old H2O... which you didn't mention) was first. It was a check list and a mentor/peer I was responsible to be accountable to... 26-30 days makes a new "habit" and 6 months a new behavior. Those are where I would start because often times, in the course of accomplishing those... some of the others can improve as well.

Being late for work and the stuff you mention about your university studies and skipping class... perhaps you can consider a form of "self sabotage". By not meeting the commitment you made to either, you are setting yourself up for consequences for your disregard for personal responsibility... "because I made the commitment to my employer AND I have a vested interest in earning $$$ I can set my clocks 15 minutes ahead and be at work on time."


"Is there a faster way of doing this?" - not really... it took a while for all these behaviors to ramp up. It is not unreasonable for them to take a while to change and resolve and become a new more beneficial habit/behavior.

"Are there any methods that I can do to help keep myself motivated?" Usually the sting of unwanted or unintended consequences is enough to keep me motivated... however there is a SMART goal setting method that sort of cements it for me so that I can consciously create conditions and set my sites on the goal rather than mix myself up with all the "feelings/thoughts" about it... Decisions been made, this is what I want/need... suck it up buttercup. Smart Goal Setting - Steps and Examples | Smart Acronym (there is a mini course at the link also)

"What I should do if I fail to follow my self-discipline plan somewhere?" Restart your goal and keep restarting your goal at day 1 til you have consistently hit/met your goal for 30 days and then reassess. Time, consistency and practice instill a new habit/change a habit. (Practice, patience, persistence, perseverance) Decide not to throw the baby out with the bathwater too... so it might be something like:

I went to bed at a reasonable time and I slept for 6-8 hours.
I made my bed.
I ate toast with peanut butter and a peach and I took my vitamins. (For a long time I did that because it was easy... a napkin, a knife... not so much to tidy up later).
I drank 16 oz of H20 and had a couple cups of tea or coffee for breakfast.
I washed my utensils and put them away or left them to dry in the dish drainer.
I bathed and brushed my teeth and washed my face.
I put on clean clothing & put my soiled things in the basket/hamper.
I toileted, fed and watered the dog.
I left for work or class 10 minutes early.


What kind of rewards can I give myself (I don't have lots of money)? Doing is it's own reward actually because you actually do have a vested interest in being to work on time, successfully completing your studies, having a happy dog, being reasonably dressed and clean/tidy... HOWEVER... if you need to do so... you could say... When I successfully complete all the activities consistently on my check list for 3 days I will XYZ. When I successfully complete all activities consistently for 7 days I will XYZ. When I successfully complete all activities for 15 days I will XYZ. When I complete the checklist consistently for 30 days I will XYZ. The trick being that you don't get a pay off for a goal you've met before no matter how many times you restart... AND you actually do what you said you were gonna do when you reach a "milestone"/successfully reach a goal point (no more/no less) without "moving the goal post" or kicking the can down the road.

BUT... It is actually better in the longer term to change what you think/believe/feel about it... for instance changing your belief/idea about what self care actually is to something like (from one of the articles below):

"Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health....self-care is key to improved mood and reduced anxiety. It’s also key to a good relationship with oneself and others.

What isn’t self-care?
Knowing what self-care is not might be even more important. It is not something that we force ourselves to do, or something we don’t enjoy doing. As Agnes Wainman explained, self-care is “something that refuels us, rather than takes from us.”

Self-care isn’t a selfish act either. It is not only about considering our needs; it is rather about knowing what we need to do in order to take care of ourselves, being subsequently, able to take care of others as well. That is, if I don’t take enough care of myself, I won’t be in the place to give to my loved ones either.

In a few words, self-care is the key to living a balanced life "

Just some stuff to hopefully help/assist you in framing up things a bit more:
Link Removed
3 Self-Care Strategies to Transform Your Life | World of Psychology
Conducting Regular Self-Care Check-Ins
What Self-Care Is — and What It Isn’t | World of Psychology

Just my take... hope something is beneficial here for you.

 

[The Albatross]

If all of the above it too much work or overwhelming... then default to the REASON you attach significance to resuming personal self discipline and self control throughout the process with meaningful affirming statements throughout the day like, "If not me, then who? If not now then when?" "If I want what I want to achieve longer term goals like university completion and being competent at my necessary job... then I will do those things to be successful... each day, every day." "When I become competent at these things, I will be able to be better able to and fully understand that personal responsibility is a better way of being than what I have been doing."

Or something like that. I like personal responsibility a bit more than "discipline" however it really is a matter of bringing myself up to maturity and reducing unnecessary complications or consequences.

 

[holdenmonty]

I would say start with personal hygiene. For me it is a form of self care and helps me feel good about myself and when I start to feel down about myself it is the first thing that starts to suffer.

 

[The Albatross]

Sort of surprised there are not more respondents to this post considering the degree of difficulty and the realization the OP expresses.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Great advice above.

I eventually learned that I had to start with what I choose to fuel my body with, what I allow in my environment (including my thoughts) and on my being, and paying close attention to my breath.

I learned these things mostly out of necessity/desperation via a medical emergency and from decades of trying everything else that didn't work. No one ever taught me this stuff, so it was really hard to accept, but the results were clear.

The foundations that were helping to sustain my life were some of the most toxic one could imagine, but yet heavily marketed as being more than okay and often suggested as being quite necessary. Confusing and frustrating, to say the least.

Cleaning all of that up and practicing it daily helped most of the other struggles start to better fall into place, or at the very least, started making more sense why they were falling wherever they fell, making the clean up and recovery a smoother process.

Up until that point, I'd been building many many things that I'd been lead to believe were helpful and nourishing on top of an incredibly shaky foundation. They had no choice but to fall. I have no choice but to work on rebuilding a more kind-to-self and stable version knowing what I know now.

 

[blackandwhite2017]

Thanks for the replies guys:)

The general consensus seems to be focusing on self care and foundations first, which I completely agree. I guess I need to take some time out of work or school to get myself out of the abyss first...

Quitting work is out of the windows as I need the money for therapy, dog, and rent, so I guess I will take less courses from now on. When I first started university, because I took a course overload and still got As plus I got transfer credits from IB courses I had taken in high school, I thought I was going to finish school in 3 years... Now I think I need to finish in 5 years despite my prior advantages in order to give myself the time to get better. In one particularly important course taken during the times when my mental state drastically got worse, I got a 90% for the first assignment but ended up getting 50% for the final course mark as I gradually lost my mental strength and will.

It is depressing knowing I need to do more work to be happy yet I can't find the strength to do all the work. It is depressing knowing that I am not even doing as well as I was doing when I was 13 years old even though I was suffering abuse, neglect, and bullying at 13 but I am not suffering any external traumas now. But that is okay, I am glad that I am finally able to accept I can't get myself out of this mess unless I allow myself more leisure and kindness first. I need to accept that being weak is okay and I would be better off looking after myself when I feel weak instead of criticizing myself. I really hope I can manage to build enough self care habits with my plan that I can eventually find enough strength to do the amount of work that I need to do.

I hope all of us can allow ourselves more care and dedication which we deserve and desperately need. Our bodies and minds are crying for help, care, and kindness and we are responsible for getting them the help they need, be it time, patience, resources or whatever.

Good day to all,
HelloWorld314

 

[The Albatross]

Agree that between work or less courses you're inclination is on track. Meet the needs before you can extend.

"It is depressing knowing I need to do more work to be happy yet I can't find the strength to do all the work. It is depressing knowing that I am not even doing as well as I was doing when I was 13 years old even though I was suffering abuse, neglect, and bullying at 13 but I am not suffering any external traumas now."

Why do you presume to think that you may never "need to do more work"? Why do you presume to contrast and compare that the "work" you were doing at 13 even has bearing now?

This isn't about that... It's about bringing yourself into maturation and into a position where you can actualize for your adult self where it is and what you want to "be".

Doubled back. Situations are not Static. They CHANGE... and there will ALWAYS be "work" to bring your "self" in line.

 

[blackandwhite2017]

Why do you presume to think that you may never "need to do more work"? Why do you presume to contrast and compare that the "work" you were doing at 13 even has bearing now?

This isn't about that... It's about bringing yourself into maturation and into a position where you can actualize for your adult self where it is and what you want to "be".

I don't think I presume that I may never need to do more work lol. What I meant was simply that I was much more hard working at 13 than I am now despite at that time I was going through traumas while I am only working through those past traumas at the presence. I do agree this is not a fair comparison and I would better off not criticizing my present self like this if this is what you mean?

 

[The Albatross]

If that serves you beneficially, keep it, but it is an unfavorable comparison and one that does not really serve you well except to deliver, blame/shame/guilt going forward. Progress is not comparing.

 

[blackandwhite2017]

Oh I understand the misunderstanding now.
When I say: "It is depressing knowing I need to do more work to be happy yet I can't find the strength to do all the work." I meant I know I need to do all the work (sleep schedule, eat well, go to classes, etc.) to feel better, yet I can't find the strength to do all of them at once.

 

[The Albatross]

Bringing yourself into maturity with coping and skills will do that. Yes.

Just because you "can't find the strength now"... is not a permanent condition. It is a cue to grow rather than despair, a challenge rather than a reason to cue up depression.