Relationship Need Help And Guidence

[Spouse123]

New to this, need support.
So I have been gay all my life now 27, met a guy I worked with he had just left his wife. Who spent their whole relationship mentally abusing and manipulating him. We got together very unexpected, it was amazing full of love, affection, emotion and we total connection Everything everyone dreams of.
He was diagnosed with complex PTSD and now four month in, I would say he is at rock bottom. He hates himself and who he is, he is emotionally numb, isolated, has nightmares, has no motivation for anything, won't communicate, won't get help. Even work is becoming an issue now. I am caring, understanding, supportive I listen, I spend every night reading up on PTSD to understand it, I try and do everything I possibly can for him. In return I get very little communication, no affection, he pushes me away and makes excuses not to see me.
I asked tonight for reassurance about how he feels about me and us and he said I don't know how I feel I'm better off alone. Most times I text I'm lucky to get a reply. I feel hurt daily, the hardest thing aside from everything being different to what it should be and seeing him go through this and the fact it just not fair. I don't know what to do anymore for the best.
He has had one counselling session and walked out says he ain't ready to talk to doctors or therapy or get help, he says he needs to do it on his own.
Please I need some advice sorry my post was so long

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @Spouse123 I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time. However as someone who has also been diagnosed with Complex PTSD let me assure you this is not about you. Your partner will be feeling ( or maybe not feeling anything at all) pretty bad about the fact that he cannot be what you want him to be. He has this disorder that is little understood and will be struggling to function. Relationships have to come second in the fight for survival. And that is how it feels from the inside.

I hope you are able to hang in there for the long term because I am sure this will not improve quickly. However long it took for him to develop complex PTSD it takes longer to recover.

 

[Spouse123]

Thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot. The fight for you and for him must be so unimaginable and beyond hard. I'm in no way belittling it but the fight I'm going through feels like my heart it being ripped apart but by bit in slow motion. I feel helpless and powerless. All I want to do is help and I'm being pushed away, and get very little if any communication.
I just want him to get help, but he refuses counselling. How would you have reacted if someone surprisingly took you to a therapist (emdr etc) this is what I feel like doing.

 

[Della]

I am sorry @Spouse 123. Sometimes it can be very difficult to deal with somebody like that. I don't have PTSD but I am a supporter of it. My army man has PTSD and right now he is not speaking to me. See, when somebody suffers with this condition, they don't really understand why things are the way they are they can't even ex[lain it themselves. It's something that triggers in their brain. I'm sorry that he does not want to get help but the best thing for you to do is not push him or nag him ok? It may take a while for him to come around ok? He may be silent for a few weeks to a few months. Just try to be there for him and continue to tell him that you love him and support him. Reassure him that you will be there for him for the long haul if this is what you really want because it's going to be a challenge to deal with this type of disorder. Ease up on calling or texting him like you have been doing. If you talk to him, talk about general stuff and not the relationship because this will make him more agitated. He will either freeze, fight, or flee and if you don't ease up, then he may just flee for good sweetie. In the meantime, continue to read up on it and get all of the information you can ok? But please remember that it's not you it's the illness that he has ok and it will be hard not to take personal when you go through this type if stuff. Don't make demands or give ultimatums because that will make him feel worse. Just let him come back on his own time ok? Best of luck to you dear. :-)

 

[Spouse123]

Thank you @Della it's so nice to hear, I've felt like I'm the only one for so long now and others just don't understand. Your message made me cry.
How do you continue to be so strong when you get pushed away, no hugs, not being told or shown they love you. We live apart so text and calls is kinda all I have.

 

[Della]

Oh ok then, I don't live with my PTSD sufferer either, it's bad when you long for affection yourself and you don't get it. It's like you are not alone but in a sense you are because a lot of the times sweetie, you will end up doing things by yourself because they may not be in the mood to do anything that day. Sometimes they will sleep all day and shut out the world but the ones that they love the most or love them the most, they treat them the worse why it is like that, I don't know honey. I lie in bed at night hoping that he will call me. See, my PTSD suffer blocked my texts and phone calls at least your love didn't block you :). Mine blocked me a month ago. But try to do things that you like to do for yourself because you have to look out for your own sanity as well baby. Don't let it get you to the point that you don't eat or sleep either, try to do your best to take care of you honey because if you don't nobody else will. Don't expect to have a normal relationship with him because he is not normal honey. You have to learn to work around the situation and his circumstances. If you two get back together, try to come up with a plan as to how you to can relate to each other without causing a lot of friction ok? As him to tell you what he expects of you and try to do that and ask him what things that he does not want you to do and listen to him ok? Respect his boundaries that he may put up at times ok? Guess what Spouse 123, it's ok to cry about it ok? It's normal when you truly are in love with somebody. Hugs to you dear :hug:

 

[Spouse123]

@Della your words have helped a lot, there is me going off on one and your situation is worse then mine. I'm so sorry for you hard times. I'm not religious but I will pray for us both. I lay awake at night hoping for a text or a call most nights, kinda learning to detach my feelings to an extent but my thoughts I can't control. It hurts cause I just want to make it all better for him and us. I kinda feel he no longer lives me or wants me and I'm a burden. I will try your advice if things get better about asking for expectations on what he wants and need me to do. Thank you again, your replays are so overwhelmingly helpful

 

[anonymous]

I just want him to get help, but he refuses counselling. How would you have reacted if someone surprisingly took you to a therapist (emdr etc) this is what I feel like doing.

Do you mean making an appointment for him without his knowledge or consent and taking him to it without him having prior knowledge of it? If someone did that to me they'd be out of my life pretty damned quick I'm afraid. He's an adult and it's a decision he needs to make for himself. Encourage him to go back therapy, but trying to force him to see a therapist won't be helpful and could end up doing him (and your relationship) more harm than good.

 

[Spouse123]

No I mean with him knowing but me going with him sorry I mis wrote that. I just won't him to get help, I have read that emdr therapy is not based solely on reliving and talking. Just don't know what more to do

 

[Della]

How long has it been since you have not heard from him?

 

[Justmehere]

My heart goes out to you. This is clearly heartbreaking stuff to be dealing with.

I think that at this point, it will be very important to learn to accept him as he is and figure out if you can stay on the relationship as is, and if so, what outside support you need to stay.

If it's too hard to be in a relationship with someone who responds as little as he does, then you have to consider walking away. Not pushing him into therapy so that he engages you more.

This is hard, but something that is generally true: You can't rescue him. You can't change him. You can't even help him unless he is ready for it.

Trying to change him or rescue him from his symptoms as much as you are is very well meaning but likely overwhelming him more.

If he isn't asking you to come to therapy with him, don't push him to go with you. You can offer to go with him, but if he says no, let it go. Certainly do not do surprise therapy sessions. Not a good idea. I doubt you would find any skilled trauma therapist willing to engage surprise therapy or any other kind of pushing him into therapy. Therapy has to be his choice. Trauma is the destruction of choice and it is best to respect his choices as much as possible.

Respecting his choices doesn't mean you need to stay in a relationship that is daily breaking your heart.

He has been through some pretty major life changes through getting divorced and coming out, on top of surviving trauma and being told he has PTSD. It might help to point him to a place like this website where he can connect with others and learn he is not alone.

But outside of offering him a few options for him to pursue, you probably need to back off. You seem really really hurt and probably very scared of how he is basically abandoning the relationship with you. I am guessing that he is picking up on your anxiety about being abandoned by him, and he feels terrible about it, more overwhelmed and even more shut down.

The only thing you have control over is you. That's where your focus needs to be. You need to take care of you. I suggest that most supporters get counseling and/or other support for themselves. I think this might be a good idea for you as well. This is not because there is anything wrong with you, but because you are understandably struggling with seeing him suffer and shut you out - and that is really hard. It's also because if this relationship is going to be a long term relationship, there are many more bumps and hurdles in the road to come. If you can find support for you, then you will better be able to handles those bumps and challenges.

The thing about him getting therapy is that PTSD symptoms often get worse before they get better. If he got treatment tomorrow, it's likely to get worse for awhile. He may shut you out even more. Like most supporters, you and your relationship will probably fair much better with him if you have your own counselor to talk to. Plus, maybe your courage to get support will help motivate him to get support too.

Right now, he telling you in every way possible that he is not ready for treatment, and doesn't sound ready for a relationship yet. That will only change when he is ready for it to change and does the really scary thing of getting help and support.

For now, it is best to accept him as he is and figure out if you can stay or not, and if you choose to stay, how you can handle it.

Be there for him without chasing him. I know, this is so easy to say and very difficult to do. I'm glad you are here and reaching out. :hug:.

 

[medley29]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. @Della and I have had quite a few conversations about it as well, and she always has helpful things to say. The best advice I can offer is the same thing I am still learning to do myself--focus on yourself. My sufferer won't let me help either. He is going through a medication change, and it has been ROUGH. Be warned me that it would be, but being that I had never been through this with anyone before, I had no idea what it would be like. Before his PTSD was triggered this time, he was funny, caring, considerate, and very affectionate. Just fun loving in general. And loved to talk smack about football. :)

But now he is isolating, I RARELY get a response to my messages. I have backed off considerably from where I started, and I don't even send something everyday anymore. I do, however, let him know that I am still here for him. I heard from him last week for the first time in a week and a half, and Wednesday will make another week since I've heard anything. I wrestle with a lot of insecurities and doubts, but you have to separate what is HIS issues and what is YOUR issues. The insecurities are my problem and nothing to do with him, so I need to be focusing on working through my issues while he works on himself. Also, it sucks but you have to come to terms with this new reality, and the fact that in spite of your support and love, he may not come back. That was tough for me to swallow, but once I did, things got a little easier. Mine hasn't called it off, and I still have things at his house and a key. But not hearing from him for so long makes me wonder about things... You just have to find a way to ground yourself and get through it. I go out with friends and binge watch tv shows that hold my interest. Try to do things for you; things that you love that are fun, or things to better yourself. If he thinks that you are putting your life on hold or that he's holding you back, he will push you away more out of guilt.

All of this is waaaaayyyyy easier said than done, and I'm still working on it myself. But if you force yourself to do this and work on a new routine and take care of yourself, it will begin to feel more natural and you will be better off no matter what happens. It doesn't necessarily get easier, but you get better at coping. Reaching out to people here is also a life-saver.
Here if you ever need to talk. ;)