Junebug you are so wise and always have the right words.
A couple nights ago, I did not sleep all night. When it got to be past 6 am, I put coffee on and made my list. I make calls, etc, and visited a hospitalized relative that I am helping with getting housing. Then off to help my 36 yr old daughter who is very toxic (from 1st marraige). I realized that even exhausted and broken down, I still have the ability to be very realistic, rational, and help others in their delimma's without enabling. My duaghter, once again, was w/o money, so I had her do half hour vacuuming that I physically cannot do and bought her food.
I have 2 younger daughters, now ages 22 and 24. Maybe a year ago, my 36 yr old confessed that she rolled the 22 yr old off the bed onto the floor on purpose when she was 4 months old-(oldest was 14 yrs old). Then she confessed about abusing her first 2 children, now ages 17 and 15. She said that she put her 15 yr old daughters head thru the dry wall when she was a toddler. Her third child died of SIDS at age 4 months and was under investigation in 2000. Police told me she would be charged, then autopsy said SIDS. Then she has one more child, now age 10, who she claims she never abused. This child lived with me for a year from age 7 to 8. She had never slept in a bed of her own. While we had challenges, she became adjusted and took interest in school and friends. The 17 yr old is in a detention center, the 15 is diagnosed as mild mental retardation among many other things, and lives in a home for teens with behavioral problems, and the youngest is with my daughter now.
Yesterday, she speaks of how I sent her to placement when she was 15 when she now thinks she needed medication. I told her that I am glad I followed my intuition that my children were not safe with her-knowing what I know now. She admits that. She then said she did worse to her other sister, but could not talk about it. Said that someday she would tell me, but could not at the time, that being sober she is feeling all the guilt and may be responsible for her daughters retardation. There was no arguement. She is medicated bi polar and seemed very manic after breaking up with bf. Even though I spent two hours talking with her and trying to be logical with her, I could not wait to take her home. Communication is an energy drainer.
Once home alone, I became very emotional. When she was a teen and my littles ones would come out of a room with her screaming, (much more behaviors including assaulting me), I followed my therapist advice and had her placed. I still advocated for her mental health and treatment. I went back to school and had a very good life during her years of having these babies. I stayed very distant. The life she lived was too painful for me to be part of most of the time, so I avoided. I only got involved at such times when she told me her kids were molested, during a crisis, babys death, etc. I kept distance other times.
After I got my masters degree and other 2 daughters were older and needed less, I had more communication with her and tried to help. I have spent money I did not have, been stolen from, conned, manipulated, etc.
She was just a kid when she abused my babies. I still dont know what all she has done. Her children are so out of control that I have no contact with the oldest, little with the next two. When they were young, I suspected abuse, but never witnessed-nothing to report. Ever since she has told me these things, I feel left with the decision to report or not. Just because she has not physically abused the youngest does not mean she wont. She said the 10 yr old was screaming for her mother to get off the bf when she beat him up during the break-up.
Long and short, I think too many double binds in my life lead to bad feelings about self. I am about doing the right thing and am a truth seeker by nature, so to ignore feels bad-consequences on kids, to address/report-conseequences on daughter and kids, to removes self for self preservation feels selfish. Anyway, I ended up giving a brief report that they can investigate or not, now Im giving it to God. Its out of my hands.
I am sorry for the length of post. I think I just needed to vent on this. As I am breaking down facts of how I feel I always come up short. I cant make the world right. Maybe there is no right and wrong, only what one can tolerate for themselves. I know that I cant carry the burden-it feels too toxic. Again, sorry for ranting. I hope others can relate.
